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Critical Analysis #1

On Passing my Youth

Martie

Moderator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-09-21

Posts 28049
California

0 posted 1999-09-24 02:06 PM

I see her reflection
in the store window.

A girl sits alone
contemplating the sidewalk.
Dark curles hide
the curve of her cheek.
The sun shimmers in her hair
like fireflies on a moonless night.

Her toe taps on the cement
belying her calm,
telling of a small turmoil,
the heart beat of first love,
the anguish of the search.

I see the curve of her hip,
the round beguile of her breast,
her lips delicate as petals,
her eyes bright with longing.

I see her dream
dancing in graceful abandon,
the effortless flow of energy,
the silken, slither of her youth.

Have I left behind that time
of bare shoulders,
that time of miracles
and heavy breathing?

I smile
at my reflection
in the store window.

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

1 posted 1999-09-25 06:26 AM

I think this works pretty well. I like the quiet longing -- a kind of regret that's not really there. I might try to create an undercurrent of tension (or rather add to what's already there).

I wonder if 'slither' creates the effect you want. If so, I might try to echo that 'feeling' in other parts of the poem.

Brad

donovan blue
Junior Member

since 1999-09-21

Posts 26
austin,tx,usa

2 posted 1999-09-25 09:27 PM

This poem swept me off my feet! Your words flow smoothly and clear. The whole thing is sultry and passionate. Beautiful.

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