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Ripples
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Ripples |
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zorkon65 Junior Member
since 2000-04-22
Posts 27 |
ok guys have at it, fresh meat on the barby lol Ripples by charlie herring Drop a stone Into the river Watch the ripples Watch the waves It creates Drop someone special Into a life Watch the smiles Hear the laughter Feel the joy And the lessening Of pain Joy and love Fill the troubled times When you touch You change You make better You make special You console You rejoice You set and listen You cry You laugh Rocks create ripples So do friends work like you don't need the money, dance like no one's watching, and love like you've never been hurt |
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| © Copyright 2001 charlie Herring - All Rights Reserved | |||
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dreamer1 12 5 24 Member
since 2000-12-11
Posts 150crossing between |
Hey zorkon, I REALLY liked the poem. Great ideas behind it and the rock and ripple thing was great. I didn't particularly like "and the lessening of pain joy and love fill the troubled times" It sounds at first like joy and love are being lessened. It takes a second read, and it could be more clear. Sorry no suggestions. My second critique is that all the "you"s near the end become repetitive and annoying. Try something like "When you touch you change make better make special console rejoice sit and listen cry laugh" If you don't like one line sentences, try "When you touch you change make better make special console and rejoice sit and listen cry and laugh" If you do that I might switch cry and laugh around. You could also com bine make better and make special into "make better and special" although that kind of loses the flow. Overall, though, I loved it, it was really well done! Congratulations! ....peace as a primary objective is dangerous because it implies that we would sacrifice anything for the sake of it.... Robert Kaplan |
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Irish Rose Member Patricius
since 2000-04-06
Posts 10263 |
Simply too many "you's" the meaning is great, but this is overdone  "I walked beside the evening sea and dreamed a dream that could not be." George William Curtis |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
I have to agree with Kathleen, you is overdone. But I get the feeling more than that is overdone. This reminds me of a rant, but in reverse, if such a thing exists. I think it would be better if you picked something more specific, like the rock and ripples, and expand. Be a bit more metaphoric with the rest. On another subject, I personally have a hard time accepting no punctuation. Careful attention to line breaks is supposed to take care of it but I'm not sure I accept that idea. But I don't think your line breaks help me read this one without stumbling and having to go back a line or two at times. Of course, this is just one opinion. Pete Imagination is more important than knowledge Albert Einstein |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Okay, friends are like rocks. It's not a bad idea but there's more you can do here. What about a concrete poem? Try, somehow, to show the ripples in the line breaks themselves (the short lines may be intended to show skipping but that gives the poem a real 'surface' feel -- probably want to move away from that). I see two directions you might want to consider: go Whitman on us and throw everthing you possibly can into this poem, overwhelm us with the imagery or go Williams on us and suggest the metaphor without actually explaining it (haiku might be able to do this as well). Just some ideas, Brad |
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