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The Dead do not envy this
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The Dead do not envy this |
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Mendy Junior Member
since 2000-11-11
Posts 34 |
Ooops - how discourteous of me - Guys reading this I think it is quite complete but it just hasn't turned out as dark as I would have liked - doesn't quite capture the despair I hoped it would - any thoughts? The Dead do not envy this Surely the dead do not envy this, though living we think life is worth holding onto. Knowing the inevitable we speed off on stepping, winding, treadmill, sprinting in the opposite direction of death. What futility! - step, step, step, don't forget to breath, step look again, solemn Death steps next to you The dead do not envy this, struck down in youth or quietly slipping as if to sleep on a well prepared bed. With sprinkled relatives and friends and solemn procession, till tired you close your eyes to hide from these undead, and rest with Death rested next to you The dead do not envy this how could they, what do we say or do, or wish, or find come true that would make them wish for leave to walk these fields strewn with corpses that upright shuffle with robotic bleep, bleep, bleep standard speech and blinkered vision. No they do not envy this and if the could, the would have fled, with Death fleetful next to them if it is true that the world talks toomuch then let us all keep quiet and hear the eloquence of silence - Richard Ntiru [This message has been edited by Mendy (edited 02-06-2001).] |
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| © Copyright 2001 Hilton Mendelsohn - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Mendy, I confess that I'm not sure where you are heading with this one. I get a very mixed impression of the content, the style and the intended audience. I see a couple of grammatical errors, probably typos, and a couple of places where the thoughts don't quite come together for me anyway. Maybe if you could enlighten me a bit I might be better able to comment. In reference to your description, it seems pretty dark already. I'm not sure how much further you want to go. Pete Imagination is more important than knowledge Albert Einstein [This message has been edited by Not A Poet (edited 02-06-2001).] |
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Mendy Junior Member
since 2000-11-11
Posts 34 |
Pete Thanks for the response, your advise is always appreciate - perhaps some background on where the idea comes from - I work amongst predominantly corporate types who seriously lack individuality. the strong reference to death has it's basis in the fact that most days working here I feel I'm dying, physically and spiritually. I'm directing it at society at the same time questioning myself. stanza one is meant to show how we try so hard to live as lond as possible in the physical sense. the treadmill reference comes from watching determined people workout in the gym almost like trying to run away from death but death's shadow always looms. Stanza two touches on the inevitability of death and moves to the the scene of someone dying who looks around and choses to die rather than live amongst the people they know. Here death in the first person decides to rest too almost questioning it's continous pursuit of the living. Stanza three returns to the condition of the living and asks if would a person who died given another chance to live would accept it suggesting that life does not offer much and is in fact a scarier prospect than death - Stating that even Death given the opportunity would run away from the living. A bit of a lengthy concept and I suppose since you had difficulty getting it I've got my work set out putting it accross. One quick question, do you think the poem has potential and if you can put your finger on it (now that you know what I was trying) where does it fall down. I'd really apprreciate your help if it is true that the world talks toomuch then let us all keep quiet and hear the eloquence of silence - Richard Ntiru |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hello again, Honestly your explanation is pretty close to what I had interpreted. Of course I didn't make the corporate world association but just the relation to the general every day rat race, so to speak. So with that said, I think it follows that you didn't miss your mark as much as you might have thought. IMHO it is a pretty far stretch from the problems encountered in the business world to thoughts of death. I certainly can't envision death as a viable alternative, no matter how difficult the situation might be. Does it have potential? I don't know. The content is so far from my style that I really can't identify sufficiently to say. If you do want to relate it to the corporate thing, I think you need some more concrete references though, again IMHO. Well, maybe someone else will come along to help out here. I look forward to your next post. Pete |
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