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Angel Bee
Member

since 2001-01-30

Posts 176
Virginia

0 posted 2001-02-01 05:03 PM

You *smiled* at me

I saw you from across the room
and I knew I had to meet you soon
you walked over and smiled at me
from then on my days were of happiness and glee

we started talking and after a while
we knew each of us would walk that extra mile
we wanted to be together, you and me
you were the only one, as far as I could see

after about a month we started going out
we were always together,out and about
it seemed as if this feeling of love would never end
but it did and who knew the emotions it would send

we broke up and went our seprate ways
and now we don't have each other to fill our days
I now hear what used to be our song
and it kills me, its been too long

you've moved on with your life and so have i
I no longer go to bed and cry
I have found someone new to like
so my heart has now said to you-take a hike

but maybe all the pain would of never happend you see,
if you hadn't of walked over and smiled at me

Wesley the Blue
Member

since 1999-09-02

Posts 426
Forest Lake, MN, USA

1 posted 2001-02-01 07:09 PM

I am loathe to critique any poetry of this kind of subject, and I am sure many would agree with me, the reason being that we do not want to say anything that might inadvertantly upset someone on such an emotional piece of work. With that said, I will give you just one, hopefully inoctious bit of advice. To me the rhyming at the ends of the lines seems a little forced, try to make it sound a little more flowing, if the lines dont rhyme, they dont rhyme, a good non-rhyming poem is better than a mediocre one that rhymes, not that you're poem is mediocre, I think it quite good, just that rhyming isnt everything. anyway, thats my two cents. Good work, keep writing
Keith

every day is a new day with which we can change the world

Trevor
Senior Member

since 1999-08-12

Posts 700
Canada

2 posted 2001-02-02 07:06 AM

Hello Angel Bee,

I have to agree with Wesley on this. I thought that you forced to many rhymes for the sake of a rhyming poem. Try and be more "true" to the thoughts and ideas rather than forcing them within a sound structure.

Thanks for the read,

Trevor

Acies

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 2000-06-07

Posts 7665
Twilight Zone

3 posted 2001-02-02 11:19 AM

I have to agree with both
I myself have switched to poems that doen't rhyme(well they don't have to rhyme anyways) for that same reason. Trying to find words tfor a rhyming scheme takes away a bit of the poems true feelings. It's like it's not as personal anymore. I'm not saying that it isn't, it's just better if you penn down exactly what comes out of your heart and not your mind.

I see no changes, wake up in the morning I ask myself, "Is life worth living or should I blast myself" TUPAC SHAKUR

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

4 posted 2001-02-06 03:17 PM

I agree and disagree with the above. Rhyme is fine but it is also the most difficult thing to do well (alliteration is just as difficult). For many of us, rhymed couplets almost always trigger Pope's The Rape of the Lock. As a result, we expect humor, not seriousness.

On the other hand, rhyming is something we should all try sometimes if only to move in different directions. Always, always think about what you're writing -- anything less is, well, kind of like an automaton.

Just an opinion,
Brad

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