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Critical Analysis #1
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sylphid
Junior Member
since 2001-01-23
Posts 30


0 posted 2001-01-30 03:47 PM




Something whispered tonight
To run, run and hide
No more ebbs and clouds for you
Oh my  
There is no more tides

I AM WITH YOU , I HEAR YOU, I WILL AND FOLLOW

And Up as I left my core, bone and marrow
I will smash , wreck and shatter
To a dead plain wall all that matters
Put out my sun, lose light and direction
Run and hide  all dimensions
Press my cheeks , my forehead next to  stone
intimidated by compassion  alone
Sleep with my back to that same wall
No more breaths taken in performance
SCREAMING  Murder
Murder my imagination , Kill and slaughter
Pin it all remorselessly on  that  wall one by one
watch  it every night  wriggling and linger on
And  with gouged eyes , watch the last call, the final drop

I AM WITH YOU , I HEAR YOU, I WILL AND FOLLOW

To find me a mirror, find me an ugly reality
Remold my face, sharp steel in mind
Wipe it all, it is not mine, I told you
It is not mine…

And will you
Loosen the knots
to  the world where I don’t belong ..
but live its song
Tonight again
The voice whispers
“You hear, bury all , make sure
Your ebbs, your regrets
Fill your lungs with air like no other “  

to be continued

© Copyright 2001 sylphid - All Rights Reserved
Brad
Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea
1 posted 2001-01-31 06:53 PM


I liked your middle stanza here: performance, the murder of imagination and so forth kind of moves in a is it reality or a simulation theme but the poem kind of peters out when you begin with mirror.

Wordsworth said poetry is "emotion recollected in tranquility" but everybody seems to forget everything after emotion.

A little more control might give this poem a stronger consistency.

You have a to be continued sign there so I'll reserve judgement until I see the rest.

Just an opinion,
Brad

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