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warmhrt
Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563


0 posted 2001-01-28 01:53 PM


we were
here

in this place,
once before,

before the world
intruded,
stomping upon our lofty visions
of love's envelopment,

and now

with visions resurrected,
we stand before one another,

eyes searching
for anything we may have missed,
fingers woven together,
tightly,
warmth spreading in palms
pressed,

we are drawn ever closer,
till lips touch,
carress,

igniting fires from embers
held in hope

as

all questions fall away

and we are
here

once again.

Kris


< !signature-->

"It is wisdom to know others;
It is enlightenment to know one's self" - Lao Tzu




[This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 01-28-2001).]

© Copyright 2001 warmhrt - All Rights Reserved
Brad
Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea
1 posted 2001-01-29 06:53 PM


Hi, how's it goin'?  

I think you should expand and develop this stanza

eyes searching
for anything we may have missed,
fingers woven together,
tightly,
warmth spreading in palms
pressed,

and leave the other parts to the reader. A poem solely concentrating on the actual hands being held would be very interesting.

Just an opinion,
Brad

mark woolard
Member
since 2001-01-02
Posts 143

2 posted 2001-01-30 01:59 PM


hey kris!  as usual, excellent!

i'm going to comment on the holding hands part also.  obviously, it is the strong part of the poem.

i am simply going to make it known that as i scanned this, my heart was filled with comfort and warmth (warmhrt) at the mention (and description) of holding hands!  something so simple, captured by your words, has put a smile inside me!

thank you!


warmhrt
Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563

3 posted 2001-01-30 08:31 PM


Hello Brad...

I'm doing fairly well...looking for snatches of time to write lately, though. How are you?  

As to focusing the poem on the hands...that is an interesting thought. I'll work on it, and see what I can come up with. Thanks for reading.


Mark,

I love it when someone says my words affected them in some way...especially when it's a "smile inside". Thanks for your kind comments...I sincerely appreciate them.

Kris

"It is wisdom to know others;
It is enlightenment to know one's self" - Lao Tzu

Songbird
Member Elite
since 1999-12-15
Posts 2184
Missouri
4 posted 2001-02-01 09:00 PM


I think this is an intriging poem that puts you in the moment. I think it just needs a little pruning. such as

we were
here

in this place,
once before,

before the world
intruded,
stomping upon our lofty visions
of love's envelopment,

Now

with visions resurrected,
we stand before one another

eyes searching
for anything we may have missed,
fingers woven together,
tightly,
warmth spreading in palms
pressed,

we are drawn ever closer,
till lips touch

igniting fires from embers
held in hope

as

all questions fall away
Not sure if I would leave the "as all questions fall away, or just end it with "held in hope"
  Never the less I like your poem.

Trevor
Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700
Canada
5 posted 2001-02-02 07:28 AM


Now I know what you're saying to yourself Kris..."Why couldn't he have just stayed away? Everything was so peaceful, but now..."  

"we were
here

in this place,
once before,

before the world
intruded,
stomping upon our lofty visions
of love's envelopment,"

Good few opening stanzas.

"and now

with visions resurrected,
we stand before one another,"

Consider rewriting this part. In my opinion its the weak part of the poem, kinda flat. There's gotta be a better way to say "together again". Just my opinion Kris.

"eyes searching
for anything we may have missed,
fingers woven together,
tightly,
warmth spreading in palms
pressed,

we are drawn ever closer,
till lips touch,
carress,"

Really good two stanzas, thought this was the strongest written part of the poem.

"igniting fires from embers
held in hope"

Maybe its just me but I'm tired of hearing about fires and embers Consider using another analogy, might be a little cliched.

"as

all questions fall away

and we are
here

once again."

Simple in wording but effective ending that ties nicely into the beginning.

I liked the poem more with each read and thought that some of it could use a little tweaking to enhance it. All in all an enjoyable read....and usually I don't like the mushy stuff. Thanks for the read and take care,
Trevor

warmhrt
Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563

6 posted 2001-02-02 10:30 PM


Songbird,

I appreciate your input and suggestions...I'll seriously consider them upon rewrite. Thanks


Trev...

Canucklehead! Nice to see ya back!

You also had some good suggestions...especially about the "embers" stuff...it is a bit cliche. I'll work on it.

Thanks...and it's really nice to see you posting again,
Kris

"It is wisdom to know others;
It is enlightenment to know one's self" - Lao Tzu

warmhrt
Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563

7 posted 2001-02-03 12:11 PM


HELP!!!!! Somebody get this horrible old picture off of this thread! Why did it come up???????
And...the time of the last posts aren't changing!!

Kris

"It is wisdom to know others;
It is enlightenment to know one's self" - Lao Tzu


[This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 02-03-2001).]

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