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The Moon, my friend.
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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The Moon, my friend. |
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YeshuJah Malikk Member
since 2000-06-29
Posts 263 |
Hunkered amidst remnants of day turned dusk, I nurse a spliff along the edges of my mind and stare at yonder rising moon. A slight breeze spreads waving palms upon the canvas of my reprieve, their movements one with crickets song and firefly pirouettes; neighbors present their evening hellos their shadows tossed upon fences, long and lean, as through the eyes of a moon lover seen. I hear the call of this soft light, drink deeply of its unsatisfying draught, yet inebriated by its dreamy flavors wrapped around the openings of my mind.. at evenings end, I greet the moon my friend. |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Hunkered amidst remnants of day turned dusk, >cool I nurse a spliff along the edges of my mind and stare at yonder rising moon. >too cool A slight breeze spreads waving palms upon the canvas of my reprieve, >way cool their movements one with crickets song and firefly pirouettes >kinda cool neighbors present their evening hellos their shadows tossed upon fences, long and lean, >kinda cool as through the eyes of a moon lover seen. I hear the call of this soft light, >cool I hear the call of this soft light, drink deeply of its unsatisfying draught, yet inebriated by its dreamy flavors >way cool wrapped around the openings of my mind.. >way cool at evenings end, I greet the moon my friend. >kinda cool Kris "As to conforming outwardly and living your own life inwardly, I do not think much of that" - Thoreau |
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YeshuJah Malikk Member
since 2000-06-29
Posts 263 |
Kris, your response made me smile(-: Thanks for the cool review. |
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Lerk Junior Member
since 2000-11-17
Posts 49Dayton, OH USA |
I really, really liked this. I WAS going to suggest breaking it at some logical point, but in rereading it I think I'm wrong on that. My suggestions follow, marked by an -----{comment} Hunkered amidst remnants of day turned dusk, -----{minor tweak is that this seems more logical to either make it "days" or make remnants singular} I nurse a spliff along the edges of my mind and stare at yonder rising moon. -----{"yonder" stopped me an threw me back out of the world of the poem. I would think you could lose that word entirely without ill effect or find another one. It seems out of place with the feel of the poem} A slight breeze spreads waving palms upon the canvas of my reprieve, -----{not sure I even understand this line? canvas of my reprieve? I think metaphors are getting mixed a bit. if the palms are affecting a canvas, they might be painting instead of waving} their movements one with crickets song and firefly pirouettes; -----{I LOVE firefly pirouettes!} neighbors present their evening hellos their shadows tossed upon fences, long and lean, as through the eyes of a moon lover seen. -----{loved this section on shadows. I think I didnt get the extra word "seen" and didnt think you need it} I hear the call of this soft light, ---{werent we just talking about shadows?} drink deeply of its unsatisfying draught, yet inebriated by its dreamy flavors wrapped around the openings of my mind.. ---{I'd end the poem right here, and drop the final two lines. They feel tacked on.} at evenings end, I greet the moon my friend. < !signature--> "A little folly now and then, is treasured by the wisest men" --Willy Wonka [This message has been edited by Lerk (edited 01-24-2001).] |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Thanks for a nice read. It's too cold and windy here in OK for me to really identify with much your palms and such. But it still presents an image I can envy. You really wrote a lot of beautiful imagery in this one. I pretty much like it as it is, a wonderful, if almost surreal, scene. That said, like Lerk, I thought yonder was out of place with the rest of the wording. I mean, it fits and even helps the flow but it seems like a less colloquial sounding word might better serve. Finally, I think I would add a comma after moon in the last line. That changes the meaning but it seems that was the meaning you intended. Thanks for another very well written and enjoyable poem. Pete Imagination is more important than knowledge Albert Einstein |
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YeshuJah Malikk Member
since 2000-06-29
Posts 263 |
Lerk. Thank you for the in depth look at this. I'll attempt to address your concerns. The imagery I'm trying to portray in the first verse is that of a person weary after a full day, with only the remnants of it left, or the trappings of thoughts that we sometime go over after a day. Thus 'remnant' in the plural, but I see your point. I agree on 'yonder.' I put it there more to affect the flow of the poem than anything else. I'll change that. 'A slight breeze... The image I'm trying to evoke here, is that of a breaking in of the breeze(via the waving palms)upon the silent, almost devotion like stare of the watcher..this reprieve is invaded, so to speak, by the sound and sight of palms waving to the urging of the wind. Don't know that I'm doing this any justice here..but I'm trying. Hope that helps. Glad you liked the firefly bit.(-: Perhaps you're right about 'seen' in the next verse. I'll look at leaving that out. I also like your ending. Thank you for your comments. |
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YeshuJah Malikk Member
since 2000-06-29
Posts 263 |
Pete, I cannot even emphatize with you. I have always lived in Florida(believe it, never even seen snow)but I am surely glad you can see the imagery in this one. Thank you. |
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mark woolard Member
since 2001-01-02
Posts 143 |
ya, i've never seen a palm tree! but i've seen everything else here. . .you paint a lovely portrait of the evening through the eyes of "herb" (or i may be jumping the gun). can't really offer any advice here. everyone elses ideas seem helpful. good job! keep observing! |
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YeshuJah Malikk Member
since 2000-06-29
Posts 263 |
Mark, thank you for your comment. Let's just say I didn't inhale, okay. I'll stay observing. Thanks. |
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