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Draw Me In
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Draw Me In |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563
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draw me in, love, hold me safe, protect me from the world's raw touch, for mortal hands play dominoes with my bones, they rearrange them to their liking, wanting only to win, they squeeze my voice till it is not my own. as cloying fingers reach, I see your arms, open wide, the fires burning within them, warmth, peace, abundant... you are my palace, my shanty, you are my home. draw me in, and cover me with our reality. Kris < !signature--> "As to conforming outwardly and living your own life inwardly, I do not think much of that" - Thoreau [This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 01-19-2001).] |
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| © Copyright 2001 warmhrt - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Littlewings Member
since 1999-09-19
Posts 62 |
I love this-the imagery is so sharp and exact.I can tell this poem has multiple meanings and you wove many different emotions beautifully.Good Job. |
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mark woolard Member
since 2001-01-02
Posts 143 |
"mortal hands play dominoes with my bones" sucked me into this one! great explination of vulnerability leading to sheltered contentment! i also liked the format--it read well and flowedeffortlessly! |
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J.L. Humphres Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 201Alabama |
Kris, I like this one much. I loved "You are my palace/my shanty/my home". One question, what is the thought after the "..." ? Interesting. Thanks for the read. J.L.H. Jason God is a warm whisper from the cool void. Jack Kerouac |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Littlewings, Mark, and Jason, Thank you all very much for the kind praise. This was one of my rare five minute, muse-inspired writings...glad you enjoyed. Jason...there was no "thought after the ellipsis...t'was a sigh, and there are no words for that sound, at least in this work. Thanks again, Kris "As to conforming outwardly and living your own life inwardly, I do not think much of that" - Thoreau |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Kris, Great flow here, as is usual of your work. I also liked the content. I got a strong impression of surrendering oneself to a lover and/or protector. I mean that in only the best sense though. If you really wrote this as a "quickie", then I am envious. Loved it. Thanks Pete |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Pete, It really was a "quickie"...when I get a strong inspiration, the words can just fall off the pen. Doesn't happen often enough for me, though...wish they were all like that. I thank you, friend, for your kind words, and I am very glad you enjoyed reading this. Warmly, Kris "As to conforming outwardly and living your own life inwardly, I do not think much of that" - Thoreau |
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Pearls_Of_Wisdom Member
since 2000-09-02
Posts 175 |
Kris, I thought the flow was wonderful as well as the imagery. This struck me as an honest and emotional poem. Although I don't usually see the world as a place to be feared, I can relate to that feeling of safety and acceptance in the presense of someone who cares about you. You expressed that very well with only a few words. One small suggestion: in order to make the words parallel, would you consider saying "warmth,/peace, abundance" or "warm,/peaceful, abundant". I'm just an English tutor; I swear I'm not totally anal! =) Ashley |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Ashley, Thanks for the praise, and as far as the English...or grammar...goes, I am using poetic license. I am saying that the warmth and peace is abundant...inviting, so, in that sense, I think it is correct.(I hope) It would probably be better if I put a semicolon before "abundant", or put it on the next line, by itself...making my intention more easily understood. I am not trying to portray the "world" as something that is feared by the subject...only that all its rules and regulations can get wearisome, and one needs someone with whom they can just be themselves, and feel loved and protected sometimes. Thanks for trying to help out, though. I sincerely appreciate it, Kris < !signature--> "As to conforming outwardly and living your own life inwardly, I do not think much of that" - Thoreau [This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 01-21-2001).] |
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Pearls_Of_Wisdom Member
since 2000-09-02
Posts 175 |
Kris, Okay, I see what you meant (for the punctuation and the meaning). I'm glad you don't mind minor suggestions because I do hope people will not take them as an insult or anything (something I've been guilty of myself). Definitely, though, I think what matters most is the poet's opinion, so I won't mind if you don't take my advice. Really. Anyway, that's my speech for the day! =) |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Ashley, don't be too timid. Reader's suggestions and comments are the lifeblood of Critical Analysis. So say what you think, in a constructive manner of course, and assume the author will take it or leave it without being offended. In fact, if one is so thin-skinned as to be offended by the kind of suggestions I have seen you make so far then he or she shouldn't be posting in this forum in the first place. Pete Imagination is more important than knowledge Albert Einstein |
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YeshuJah Malikk Member
since 2000-06-29
Posts 263 |
This is cool, way cool.. almost has a trancelike atmosphere..read it out loud with your eyes closed and you'll see what I mean. Thanks for sharing this. Two thumbs up! |
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Pearls_Of_Wisdom Member
since 2000-09-02
Posts 175 |
Pete, Me? Timid? Never! Ha ha ha. So I have issues, what can I say? =) I'm working on it. I'll take that last part as a compliment. Ashley |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
It was all intended as a compliment, particularly the last part. |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Yesh, I'm glad ya liked it...just wanna know how to read it with my eyes closed...can't seem to do it. Is it just me or what? Oh, yeah...and if you read it backwards, it says, "YesuJah Malikk is a real smart ass... Ashley, Pete's right...critique is what we do here. Don't hold back. Thanks to all, Kris < !signature--> "As to conforming outwardly and living your own life inwardly, I do not think much of that" - Thoreau [This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 01-23-2001).] |
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YeshuJah Malikk Member
since 2000-06-29
Posts 263 |
No Kris, not a smart ass.. I memorized it, then said it with my eyes shut- I should-a mentioned that. |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Yesh... Why is it that I have trouble believing that? BTW...it's alright to be a smart ass...I'm a card-carrying member, along with a lot of other poets here, including our esteemed moderator, jbouder, and our absent friend, Poertree. (It's not an insult) Kris "As to conforming outwardly and living your own life inwardly, I do not think much of that" - Thoreau |
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Lerk Junior Member
since 2000-11-17
Posts 49Dayton, OH USA |
Not sure if this was intentional, but I really liked how the following lines felt like a stack of dominoes on a table visually... for mortal hands play dominoes with my bones, they rearrange them to their liking, wanting only to win, I think it made a great deal of sense to offset the lines here, and I think when you do it later it dilutes the nice effect. Twere it me, I'd just keep the offset in this section and lose it elsewhere. nice poem. "A little folly now and then, is treasured by the wisest men" --Willy Wonka |
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