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The Night Finds Me Again
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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The Night Finds Me Again |
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White Wolf Member
since 1999-09-18
Posts 371Somewhere in the vast wasteland |
So, the night finds me again Sleep deprives me of what I might gain Walking along that dark desert highway Night after night and yet so far away The starless moonless night laughing Endlessly at my current plight My sanity, many are questioning I laugh endlessly with delight How do I even begin to explain All that has happened is so arcane My heart is still intact Despite the way I did react How do I get you to see That without you I have nothing Like a forest without a tree Dragon flight without a wing That fall I do remember Threatening to self-ignite Of that fire all but an ember Into that fire, ever so bright Pain has finally taken its toll I have lost that control No matter what can I do All I want is to get back to you To that place beyond all comprehension Where our hearts were formed as one To you I dare not mention I wish I could do what needs to be undone I want to learn to fly again My heart to soar back into your domain To find that ulimate peace To return to that release So, the night finds me again Sleep deprives me of what I might gain Walking along that dark desert highway Night after night and yet so far away This is a repost from Open 11. I want some critical analysis, very critical. I have a wish to improve my poetry but Open is not the place to do it. Be as critical as you like I will take no offense. Thanx for your time. The White Wolf |
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| © Copyright 2001 Justin D. Schroeder - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Lerk Junior Member
since 2000-11-17
Posts 49Dayton, OH USA |
I'm probably the LEAST qualified poet (?) here, but here are some initial impressions.... I found it a tad too literal...in other words, it described actions or thoughts in a very straightforward way rather than using verbal imagery. You use a device that I do a lot (which is usually criticized) which is making it rhyme, sometimes forcing it to. Whereas sometimes that's cool with certain subjects, this is such an emotional poem that it makes something weighty seem flippant or cutesy. You should let some rough edges remain...its a rough topic. You're feeling deep and raw emotion...make the reader feel it, too. The repetition of the last stanza is not needed....some other minor comments follow: -------------- So, the night finds me again Sleep deprives me of what I might gain [This makes it sound as if you cant help but fall asleep....but I think you mean to say that you cant sleep, right? And what might you gain by sleeping/not sleeping? The sleep is a symptom, yes? but this makes it seem the cause] Walking along that dark desert highway Night after night and yet so far away [far away from what?] The starless moonless night laughing [ you dont need BOTH starless and moonless...pick one] Endlessly at my current plight [if its endlessly, no need for "current", or if its current, no need for "endlessly"] My sanity, many are questioning I laugh endlessly with delight [ "endlessly with delight'? hm. Dont think so...the character seems distressed by the situation] How do I even begin to explain All that has happened is so arcane My heart is still intact Despite the way I did react How do I get you to see That without you I have nothing Like a forest without a tree Dragon flight without a wing [these two stanzas contradict in meaning. First one says heart is still intact, second says huge whole left by absence of other. Cant be both.] That fall I do remember Threatening to self-ignite Of that fire all but an ember Into that fire, ever so bright [cant comment on this because it really is difficult to decipher -- only an ember that gets lost in a bright fire that extinguished long ago because it threatened to ignite but didnt? you really need to think about what you're trying to say here and if it makes sense to the reader] Pain has finally taken its toll I have lost that control No matter what can I do All I want is to get back to you To that place beyond all comprehension Where our hearts were formed as one To you I dare not mention I wish I could do what needs to be undone I want to learn to fly again My heart to soar back into your domain To find that ulimate peace To return to that release So, the night finds me again Sleep deprives me of what I might gain Walking along that dark desert highway Night after night and yet so far away |
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J.L. Humphres Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 201Alabama |
White Wolf, This one does get somewhat vague in places, and the meter becomes somewhat choppy I would work on clarifying my ideas a little more in this piece and also try to find a flow and coax the reader into finding the flow with punctuation.JMHO. J.L.H. Jason God is a warm whisper from the cool void. Jack Kerouac |
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Pearls_Of_Wisdom Member
since 2000-09-02
Posts 175 |
I can tell that you're in touch with your emotions, and that's the first step in writing. The second step is putting the feelings into words. This is a valiant effort and I can see what you're getting at in most lines. At different points, though, I can't fully understand the meaning behind the words you have chosen. I don't want to go through your poem and say "Change this, don't say that, etc., etc." I think the best advice I feel qualified to give is that you'll almost definintely improve with practice. This is a good start, and if you keep at it, I'm sure you'll find your own poetic style and voice. Don't know if that helps but that's my two cents' worth. Well, good luck! Ashley |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hello Wolf, Well, I'll have a bit of a go at it. Lerk has discussed the content in detail so I won't go into that except to say that a few of the lines did seem a bit trite. This appears mostly to be the result of trying to force a rhyme. Now let's talk about structure a bit though. In most cases, rhyming poetry works best if it has fairly consistent meter. Yours varies a great deal. Also, watch out for those forced rhymes. Read the poem aloud to yourself. You should hear those forced lines easily. In fact, they usually make a sound most resembling a fog horn in a church choir. It would take some work to do this and some may not consider it worthy, but just say drop the rhyme altogether and go for FV. I found it rather interesting the way you alternated the rhyme scheme from stanza to stanza. But to analyze that a little deeper, let's call your stanzas rhyming aabb as A and those rhyming abab as B. Then your alternation goes like this: ABABBABAA. I think it would be more effective if you strictly alternated so it comes out as ABABABABA. I don't know that there is any precedent for this but it just seems more logical and effective to me. Well, that's my $.02 worth or JMHO as they say. Pete Imagination is more important than knowledge Albert Einstein |
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White Wolf Member
since 1999-09-18
Posts 371Somewhere in the vast wasteland |
This one is to Lerk. You stated that this piece is a tad too literal. Well with this piece I was trying to literal. This was an emotion felt long ago and now all that lingers is the literal. As to the rhyming, well I admit I did force it in places and I see one rather obvious one. rhyme or rhythm never came easy for me so I am trying to work on the rhyming. One other note is that this is the first poem I wrote off of an eight month writer's block. I picked it because I knew it would need a lot of work. The emotion being felt is cutesy, now. It has had time to work off those rough edges. Maybe if I had written it three to four years ago then it would have rough edges. And the repition of the first and last stanza are there for an emphasis. Maybe it could do just as well without though. You commented on the second line of the first stanza. Well it means exactly what it says. That "Sleep deprives me of what I might gain" needs to be applied or read within the boundries that the stanza suggests. In short it needs to read in context. In short my sleep isn't really sleep because I am constantly walking alone in the dark and it happens night after night without giving me the type of sleep that I need. As to walking away from what? Everything in general or nothing it really matters not just simply that I have been walking further and further away. And actually "starless moonless" are both needed. It causes thought on the readers part but the meaning is plain. No starlight, no moonlight. It is possible to have a starless night with a moon in the sky. First off I have had many "plights" and "endlessly" refers to the fact that laughing has yet to stop and I can see no end to it at this time. "Endlessly with delight" have you never seen a person laughing in delight from loss of sanity. I have. I may have even myself. As to the two stanzas that you claim are contradictions, well they are not actually. Cannot a heart still be intact and yet lack the energy to fly or try again or start over? I will admit that the lines about the ember and a fire are confusing. they are not well written at all. Actually if you switch the middle two lines of that stanza it makes a lot more since and I might add what I was trying to say. Well now that I have a couple of extra cents, I think I can start to revise this poem. Thanx to all and anyone else who will reply. The White Wolf |
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Lerk Junior Member
since 2000-11-17
Posts 49Dayton, OH USA |
(response deleted by lerk) [This message has been edited by Lerk (edited 01-18-2001).] |
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mark woolard Member
since 2001-01-02
Posts 143 |
uhh. . .i liked it. 'nuf said. |
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White Wolf Member
since 1999-09-18
Posts 371Somewhere in the vast wasteland |
Mark- Thank you for the praise. |
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