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Critical Analysis #1
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J.L. Humphres
Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 201
Alabama

0 posted 2001-01-13 03:15 AM


It's six o'clock love...
  The seconds are counted by my
   heart's beat,
  The absence of you is
   the loss--of me.

It's eight o'clock love...
  Your fingertips are
   desire's tinder,
  Sparks to those fires
   which burn me to cinders.    

It's ten o'clock love...
  Instruct me here
   I am your slave,
  Rescue me dear
   I'm yours to save.

It's twelve o'clock love...
  It's mid-night here
   and there it's day,
  But know my passion burns,
   a world away.
  


Jason
God is a warm whisper from the cool void.
Jack Kerouac

© Copyright 2001 Jason L. Humphres - All Rights Reserved
warmhrt
Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563

1 posted 2001-01-13 11:28 AM


Jason,

Welcome back...nice to see you.

I like this poem's simplicity in words and structure. I'm sure that whomever this "message" is addressed to will comprehend and take it to heart.

Nicely done,
Kris

All change in history, all advance, comes from the nonconformist. If there had been no troublemakers, no dissenters, we would still be living in caves

merlynh
Member
since 1999-09-26
Posts 411
deer park, wa
2 posted 2001-01-14 03:11 AM


Threw me off of the line, a world away, I got lost in the ending. Or is this whole thing just a desire?
J.L. Humphres
Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 201
Alabama
3 posted 2001-01-14 04:38 AM


Kris,
  It's great to be back. Thanks for the comments. The poem's not really "for" anyone just a thought I had.
               J.

Merlynh,
  The poem is supposed to read as if it were left on an answering machine at different times throughout the night, or day if you are on the same side of the globe as the muse.
  Get it, it's a comment on technology adding life to what would otherwise be a dead relationship because of distance.
  I don't know maybe it is somewhat vague. Thanks for the comments.
                      J.L.H.

Jason
God is a warm whisper from the cool void.
Jack Kerouac

Pearls_Of_Wisdom
Member
since 2000-09-02
Posts 175

4 posted 2001-01-14 10:07 AM


J.L.H.,

I liked the honesty and pure emotion in this. I did understand the idea of the two lovers being apart, but I must say I didn't think of an answering machine being part of it. That's okay, though. I think it stands on its own. I pictured the guy just sort of thinking the words to her, even though she wasn't there. But if you want the answering machine in, is there a way to bring it out more, by adding "Leave a message" or something you'd hear on an answering machine? Don't know if that's possible, but there you go.

Btw, it kind of reminded me of U2 lyrics, possibly because you kept saying "love". Don't worry, that's not a bad thing - I'm obsessed with U2! =)

J.L. Humphres
Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 201
Alabama
5 posted 2001-01-14 07:20 PM


Ashley,
  Thank you for the insight. Also, thanks for the compliment (U2 rocks!!!!!!!   ). Thanks for reading.
                 J.L.H.

Jason
God is a warm whisper from the cool void.
Jack Kerouac

Marq
Member
since 1999-10-18
Posts 222

6 posted 2001-01-14 08:03 PM


My initial impression was of someone lying
on a bed thinking about his missing someone
and checking the clock now and then as time passed.  I like the way you presented this.
Good love poem!  It's so hard to write a good love poem.  It's rare to find a good love poem at open posting sites.  If you want to make the answering machince aspect clear -- and I think the answering machine works very well -- you could include it in the title or in parentheses or some such without changing the text.  I recommend not
changing the text.

White Wolf
Member
since 1999-09-18
Posts 371
Somewhere in the vast wasteland
7 posted 2001-01-15 07:53 AM


There is very little I could suggest to improve this piece.  The flow is great.  I might reword the second line so that you don't use a past-tense word.  Omit a word here and there and add an -ing to a word.  But as is it is a beautiful piece and like I said very little can be done to improve upon it.  If you would like I could show you my ideas on the first line, which words I would omit nad where that -ing would go but you can probably figure it out too.  Well let me know.  I don't presume to think you would want my help but the offer is there.


The White Wolf

Pearls_Of_Wisdom
Member
since 2000-09-02
Posts 175

8 posted 2001-01-15 02:05 PM


J.L.H.,

Oh, exciting! A fellow U2 fan! I have to whine to you, then. I didn't get tickets for the U2 show and I'm sooo depressed about it! =( I saw them before but the venue sucked the big one so I was really looking forward to seeing them again, even if I had to pay 60 bucks. Do you have the new album? I think it's awesome - much better than Pop, although I hate to admit it.


[This message has been edited by Pearls_Of_Wisdom (edited 01-15-2001).]

Raj_Yura
Junior Member
since 2001-01-08
Posts 13

9 posted 2001-01-15 02:36 PM


J.L-

  I too thought the poem to be about someone
in love and waiting as he watches the clock
tick away. After reading your comment it
turns out to be a good idea put on a paper
Hope to see more of your work !

Raj_yura

WinterTalon
Member
since 2001-01-14
Posts 141
Brooksville, KY, USA
10 posted 2001-01-15 03:20 PM


I've never read a poem quite like that one before.  *chuckles*  New experiences are awesome.  I loved the poem!

~The hardest thing is watching the one you love... love someone else.~

J.L. Humphres
Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 201
Alabama
11 posted 2001-01-15 07:55 PM


Marq,
  Thanks! I agree it is hard to find a good love poem (or write one) without being trite. I'm glad you think this one accomplishes that task.
                     J.

White Wolf,
  I am always open to any suggestions, by anyone, on any of my work posted here at passions. That's why I post.
                    J.

Ashley,
  I haven't heard the whole album. I really know U2 more from the "Joshua Tree", "Rattle and Hum", "Achtung Baby" era. Although I do like the new single.
                  J.

Raj,
  Thanks. Check out the bottom of this reply and give me some feedback.
                      J.

Enchantress,
  Thank you. You are so right about new experiences.  
              J.
Everyone,
  Due to an overwhelming response about the confusion over the "answering machine" thing I've decided to change the title to:
  "The Message (After the Beep)"
What do you think folks?
                    J.L.H.


Jason
God is a warm whisper from the cool void.
Jack Kerouac

WinterTalon
Member
since 2001-01-14
Posts 141
Brooksville, KY, USA
12 posted 2001-01-15 08:15 PM


*grins*
Great idea!


~The hardest thing is watching the one you love... love someone else.~


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