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I'd appreciate some help with this
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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I'd appreciate some help with this |
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Mendy Junior Member
since 2000-11-11
Posts 34 |
Untitled Imagine being sentenced to death for wanting to show love, or to love on a personal level. Imagine watching a whole world crumble into grains of sand to be blown away like dust, crushed under unmerciful feet. Imagine hours spent in the dark waiting for your loves return, only to have them arrive needful and drunk without knowing where they've been or who they've been with. but you take the risk anyway because you must, because you promised. Imagine knowing a new limitation on precious time that is already scarce, or knowing that you will not suddenly rest instead dwindle with a fallen crest Imagine darting eyes that will for a second stop and knowingly move on smiling a moment, sorrowful and then gone Imagine finding faith where once there was none a new kinship with father, mother, and son, and community, the only ones brave enough or with enough compassion or sin. Imagine knowing death as a new friend, quietly waiting for you to finally move in. Imagine knowing you're going to die. < !signature--> if it is true that the world talks toomuch then let us all keep quiet and hear the eloquence of silence - Richard Ntiru [This message has been edited by Mendy (edited 01-11-2001).] |
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| © Copyright 2001 Hilton Mendelsohn - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Wendy, Sorry, no help today but I did want to take just a minute to welcome you to CA. From you number of posts, I see that you are new here. I'm sure you will enjoy this place. Pete Imagination is more important than knowledge Albert Einstein |
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mark woolard Member
since 2001-01-02
Posts 143 |
Wendy: i dig the content, but unfortunately can't give any concrete advice as to how to better evable the delivery. Personally, when i read this, i felt that a more sporradic, free-verse approach/structure could add a desired emotional delivery. Research some wacky beat poets and study some e.e. cummings structures. breaking up the words sometimes allows extra emotion to be felt. like i said, the content is great. hope the rest of the ramble helps you. |
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mark woolard Member
since 2001-01-02
Posts 143 |
MENDY. . .not wendy! i be a dyslexic shmuck! sorry. "Bark" |
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Mendy Junior Member
since 2000-11-11
Posts 34 |
Thanks Mark I'll check out the EE Cummings and thanks for noting the name is Mendy and not Wendy the main effect of the difference is that it gives you the correct gender perspective. if it is true that the world talks toomuch then let us all keep quiet and hear the eloquence of silence - Richard Ntiru |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Mendy: This poem has good movement and some interesting lines. I thought that the poem gained strength as your telling of the story was more specific and weakened at times when I thought your poem was a little on the vague side. For example: quote: Until I looked at the poem a little more closely, I didn't connect the first line above with the subject matter in the following quote. I think it would be worthwhile to lead off with the specific to give the reader some framework from the start for interpreting the rest. If I had read the quote below firsts, the first quote above would have been more meaningful to me. quote: I thought this was the strongest portion of the poem. If you decide to keep it where it is, consider setting it apart from the rest of the poem as a separate stanza. The senses of despair and resignation of the last line was well delivered, in my opinion. quote: I thought the remainder of the poem was a little random. I get the sense that the narrator is terminally ill and there is a little bit sun peaking through the clouds with the thought of reconciliation with friends and family but the construction of those lines made them almost seem like fleeting thoughts. If this was the intent, I have no complaints, but if you were shooting for a hopeful turn in the theme, those lines fell short. Because I'm not sure which is the case, I can't decide whether the narrator's new "friendship" with death is cynical or one of genuine acceptance. Thanks for the read. I look forward to reading more in the near future. Jim |
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Mendy Junior Member
since 2000-11-11
Posts 34 |
Jim I appreciate your words and advice - I had difficulty trying to break this poem into stanzas because, can't seem to get them to balance The end is intended to be scattered and vague, I was trying to depict not an immediate reaction but not a very considered one either. I'll re post it after more thought Thanx again if it is true that the world talks toomuch then let us all keep quiet and hear the eloquence of silence - Richard Ntiru |
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Pearls_Of_Wisdom Member
since 2000-09-02
Posts 175 |
Hi Mendy, Maybe because I am the only female poet who has replied so far, I have a different perspective. I have never been a big fan of telling people to edit their poetry or to - gasp! - emulate someone else's style on purpose (even though E. E. Cummings rules). This is just my opinion, but I thought it was an absorbing and complex poem because you started with the general and then moved to the specific. If you still want to divide up the poem into stanzas - although I think it works well without being split up - perhaps you shouldn't worry about making all the stanzas the same length or pattern. One logical way to split it up would be to start a new stanza every time you say "Imagine..." What is it that you think needs improving? I thought it was thought-provoking. Maybe the structure enhances the meaning the way it is. You're talking about life and death, right? Well, if I were about to die, I might have the same free flowing, stream of consciousness kind of thoughts. Also, if you want to take a bit of a leap, life is goes on and on and we assume it will continue for a long time, and then it suddenly stops, like your poem does. (I meant that in a good way - did that come out right? =) ) So, anyway, I just think that poems come out a certain way for a certain reason (whether it affects the meaning or not) and it's not our job to make it flawless or to give it a structure it didn't originally have, but instead to just listen and get the message down. My favorite parts, which I thought were the most moving and poigniant, were: the one word line "Stop", "crushed under unmerciful feel", "instead dwindle with a fallen crest", "smiling a moment, sorrowful and then gone / Imagine finding faith where there once was none". Anyway, good luck editing if you decide to. Ashley |
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Pearls_Of_Wisdom Member
since 2000-09-02
Posts 175 |
Hi Mendy, Maybe because I am the only female poet who has replied so far, I have a different perspective. I have never been a big fan of telling people to edit their poetry or to - gasp! - emulate someone else's style on purpose (even though E. E. Cummings rules). This is just my opinion, but I thought it was an absorbing and complex poem because you started with the general and then moved to the specific. If you still want to divide up the poem into stanzas - although I think it works well without being split up - perhaps you shouldn't worry about making all the stanzas the same length or pattern. One logical way to split it up would be to start a new stanza every time you say "Imagine..." What is it that you think needs improving? I thought it was thought-provoking. Maybe the structure enhances the meaning the way it is. You're talking about life and death, right? Well, if I were about to die, I might have the same free flowing, stream of consciousness kind of thoughts. Also, if you want to take a bit of a leap, life is goes on and on and we assume it will continue for a long time, and then it suddenly stops, like your poem does. (I meant that in a good way - did that come out right? =) ) So, anyway, I just think that poems come out a certain way for a certain reason (whether it affects the meaning or not) and it's not our job to make it flawless or to give it a structure it didn't originally have, but instead to just listen and get the message down. My favorite parts, which I thought were the most moving and poigniant, were: the one word line "Stop", "crushed under unmerciful feel", "instead dwindle with a fallen crest", "smiling a moment, sorrowful and then gone / Imagine finding faith where there once was none". Anyway, good luck editing if you decide to. Ashley |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I don't have time to address the poem yet but I just wanted to point out that there is nothing wrong with offering other poets as models for further development. Some would argue that it is the only way to learn how to write.  Throw out your ideas as points of possible improvement, throw out your edits as possible improvements and let the writer decide what to do. Poetry is not a sacred text; it is an art form. Thanks, Brad |
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Pearls_Of_Wisdom Member
since 2000-09-02
Posts 175 |
Everyone - I don't know why my posts keep printing out twice, but I swear I'm not doing it on purpose! =) Brad, Well, I guess we all have our different approaches to poetry. Mine works for me, and I'm sure yours works for you, so let's just not try to convert one another, if that's cool with you. It seems like a big waste of energy and I'm not into starting conflicts if I can help it. At least we both agree that poetry is enjoyable. Truce? =) Ashley |
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M'Hal Junior Member
since 2001-01-04
Posts 15 |
Mendy- First off, I enjoyed the read. I liked the contrast between the underlying loss of hope in the first half and the newfound faith towards the end. For me, that contrast stopped the poem from having a whining tone to it. I'm not sure how specific you wanted me to get with the help, so take what you want. "Imagine being sentenced to death for wanting to show love, or to love on a personal level" At first, I thought that "or to love on a personal level" really was just restating the first line. I guess that depends on your perspective on love. First thought tells me that all my love is personal. If it is a necessary line, the tense breaks the rythm for me. Maybe "or for loving on a..." I don't know how you feel about titles. This poem touches different subjects, and I think the lack of a title can add to confusion. Don't get me wrong, I followed fine, I just think if you could title it, it could add to it. "But you take the risk anyway because must..." You might have missed this on accident, but the "because must" was imcomplete for me. the first time through, I read "you" right into it. Check it out. I loved ALL the lines, and I felt a seperation of stanza's even without spaces there. Out of time, I'll finish lata.. M'Hal |
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Mendy Junior Member
since 2000-11-11
Posts 34 |
Thanks to everyone who responded your advice and thoughts are all appreciated. M'Hal The repitition of the love in the first line is intentional so as to make a destinction between loving and the desire to show love. I agree about the title but just can't come up with one that fits - I'm sure it will come eventually. Thanks for checking my poem out Mendy if it is true that the world talks toomuch then let us all keep quiet and hear the eloquence of silence - Richard Ntiru |
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Mario Junior Member
since 2000-11-17
Posts 21Ireland |
Mendy - I agree with Brad. I think things are fine when they just emerge naturally. Thanks for the post. Mario. |
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