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YeshuJah Malikk
Member

since 2000-06-29

Posts 263

0 posted 2001-01-05 08:58 PM

I wrote this in memory of a mother of two I knew. She was killed in a car accident the week before Christmas.
==================================================
Death, oh how I hate it!
The smell of it,
the feel of it;
brazenly displayed in
Autumn leaves felled,
drenched in wailing throes
an octave lower than my grasp.

I've raised unwitting praise
to its unsheathed sword,
boldly brandished at
day-star rise.

Yet from the fixed stare
of a squirrel squashed;
its twitching, mangled parts,
quivering to the crescendo
of symphony unheard,
it mocks.

In restaurants fine
I've dined, off menus glibly offered-
from the ongoing plunder
guised as culinary delights;
burnt, chopped and sautéed,
with an exactitude calculated
to sate the most discriminating tastes.

Each cliff I've seen,
each meadow green, is cursed!
Cursed! Cursed! Cursed!
It creeps and crawls,
forever installed,
within this bane of things.

Oh how, Oh how, I hate it!

dreamer1 12 5 24
Member

since 2000-12-11

Posts 150
crossing between

1 posted 2001-01-06 12:32 PM

Hi YeshuJah,
I'm not very good at this and I know that your poems are better than mine, but I'll give this a shot.
OK, I really liked the idea in this poem, but there were two things that I would change. In the first verse, autumn is capitalized, and it was proabably a mistake, but it ruins the flow, and it just kind of jumps out at me. Second, in the last verse, the line
"each meadow green, is cursed!"
I would make is cursed it's own line. It brings it out and emphasizes it. I don't dnow how that might affect the next line though, and I really don't know much about poetry in comparison with some of the others here. Get their opinions, not mine. Anyway, I loved the poem, the images were well done, I liked the first verse especially.
Thanks for a great poem.

....peace as a primary objective is dangerous because it implies that we would sacrifice anything for the sake of it....
Robert Kaplan

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

2 posted 2001-01-06 07:58 PM

YeshuJah,

I really like some of the lines here but you seem to have gotten stuck in inversionitus.

Autumn leaves felled

symphony unheard

meadows green

I don't know -- are you translating this from the French?

Death, oh how I hate it!
The smell of it,
the feel of it;
brazenly displayed in
Autumn leaves felled,
drenched in wailing throes
an octave lower than my grasp.

--great last line here

I've raised unwitting praise
to its unsheathed sword,
boldly brandished at
day-star rise.

Yet from the fixed stare
of a squirrel squashed;
its twitching, mangled parts,
quivering to the crescendo
of symphony unheard,
it mocks.

--I like the two stanzas and the use of sound; might want to expand that.

In restaurants fine
I've dined, off menus glibly offered-
from the ongoing plunder
guised as culinary delights;
burnt, chopped and sautéed,
with an exactitude calculated
to sate the most discriminating tastes.

--interesting shift to taste but I think the last two lines are unnecessary.

Each cliff I've seen,
each meadow green, is cursed!
Cursed! Cursed! Cursed!
It creeps and crawls,
forever installed,
within this bane of things.

Oh how, Oh how, I hate it!

Overall, an interesting piece that has a lot more potential, I think, if you let the irony stand for itself and emphasize the dialectics of death more clearly.

Just an opinion,
Brad

warmhrt
Senior Member

since 1999-12-18

Posts 1563

3 posted 2001-01-07 11:34 AM

Yesh,

......what Brad said...except I'll add that I didn't care for the squashed squirrel thing. Other than that, t'was a worthy offering.

Kris

All change in history, all advance, comes from the nonconformist. If there had been no troublemakers, no dissenters, we would still be living in caves

YeshuJah Malikk
Member

since 2000-06-29

Posts 263

4 posted 2001-01-08 04:47 PM

Dreamer,
thank you for reading the poem.  I believe a welcome is in order here since I have not seen this name before. Please know that I appreciate your input, and am in no hurry to judge you as not competent, or as competent at all.  Poetry is a subjective thing.  Your opinion is your opinion.

Brad,
inversionitus?  That made me laugh.  Those inversions are not deliberate believe me.  But I can address them. And no, no French here.. that's my wife's domain.  Glad you found some of the lines to be good. I agree that a better job can be done if the irony is allowed to stand alone.  I will work at it.  Thank you for your input.

Kris,
that is a grissly picture.. the squashed squirrel bit.  Glad you thought it worthy.
Thank you.

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