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Critical Analysis #1
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A single tear
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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A single tear |
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dreamer1 12 5 24 Member
since 2000-12-11
Posts 150crossing between |
A single tear rolls down her pale face. A single tear to represent this latest injustice. A single tear and she moves on ashen face unfeeling A single tear which mirrors all her inner feelings which are quickly locked barred and banished to the depths of her soul in hope they will not be resurrected again. A single tear rolls down the same path that all the other tears have taken down that blank face so cold and hard. A single tear and her eyes become dull mirrors of nothingness once again. A single tear and she takes another step and loses herself in anything that will keep her free of her emotions. ....peace as a primary objective is dangerous because it implies that we would sacrifice anything for the sake of it.... |
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| © Copyright 2000 Adam Everett - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Lerk Junior Member
since 2000-11-17
Posts 49Dayton, OH USA |
There are two lines here that dont seem to fit in with the spare economy of the rest of the poem... to represent this latest injustice. and..... in hope they will not be resurrected I think these need to either be more in spirit of the rest of the poem, or they need to be made more UNlike so that the way they stand out is more striking. |
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dreamer1 12 5 24 Member
since 2000-12-11
Posts 150crossing between |
Hi Lerk! Welcome to Passions! Thanks for the critique, do you have any suggestions? Looking forward to seeing some of your work! ....peace as a primary objective is dangerous because it implies that we would sacrifice anything for the sake of it.... |
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dreamer1 12 5 24 Member
since 2000-12-11
Posts 150crossing between |
Sorry, Lerk, when I say suggestions, I mean how should I change those lines. I read it and it was unclear. Sorry! |
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Lerk Junior Member
since 2000-11-17
Posts 49Dayton, OH USA |
Hi...I hate to directly suggest, since your poem has a distinctive voice, but the following are general multiple suggestions, which may or may not fit what you're trying to say. I only offer them as "feeling" to fit the voice of the poem better, IMHO. A single tear rolls down her pale face. A single tear --(replace) to represent this latest injustice. --(shows her pain)? --(runs in worn paths)? --(salty ribbon)? --(silently cries out)? --(make silent passage)? --(accuses silently)? locked barred and banished to the depths of her soul (replace)in hope they will not be resurrected again. --(never to return)? --(unwakeable)? --(sealed, unforgotten)? --(unresurrectable)? --(stiller than death)? anyhow, I havent posted a poem here yet, as I had intended to critique a few more first, to be fair. But I started critiquing a while back and got sidetracked with the holidays and whatnot, so perhaps I'll post a poem anyway. |
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YeshuJah Malikk Member
since 2000-06-29
Posts 263 |
I didn't get further than the second line. The repetition of a single tear turned me off. I imagine you wanted to use repetition for the possible effect this can give, but I don't feel you got it right here. I have no suggestions other than maybe you should try reading some poetry that uses repetition and see how you could re-tool yours. |
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dreamer1 12 5 24 Member
since 2000-12-11
Posts 150crossing between |
Hey Lerk! Thanks, I'll look at that, I'm in a hurry now. Anticipating your post. YeshuJah, I'll do some reading soon, I've actually been planning on it for a while. Thanks. ....peace as a primary objective is dangerous because it implies that we would sacrifice anything for the sake of it.... |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
dreamer, I think this has good potential, but I agree with Yesh in that there is too much repetition. There are so many other ways to say those same words...I suggest exploring that, and using your repetition with great care. It can be an effective tool if used correctly...and sparingly. I would also suggest reading poetry, and how-to material on poetry. Keep writing...it's one of the ways you'll gain more and more skills, Kris All good poetry is the spontaneous overflow of powerful feelings...~William Wordsworth |
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Sappho New Member
since 2000-12-30
Posts 6 |
I have to agree with the others. I see what you're trying to create-the circular feeling of being swept into the poem through repetition, nevertheless, I think the effect causes more of a break in the flow, rather then continuing the circle. |
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dreamer1 12 5 24 Member
since 2000-12-11
Posts 150crossing between |
OK back to the drawing board!  Now to lose myself in reading. YES! ....peace as a primary objective is dangerous because it implies that we would sacrifice anything for the sake of it.... |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
As I was reading this, an idea suddenly popped in my head -- why not write a poem that follows the travels of single tear through a kind of water cycles -- personify it and show the happiness, perhaps, of being in the clouds or in the ocean, or drank and reincarnated as yet another tear. Just an idea, Brad |
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dreamer1 12 5 24 Member
since 2000-12-11
Posts 150crossing between |
Hey Brad, that's a good idea! I'll work on that. I must say, I was really surprised to see this poem again in the forums, I'm glad you posted though. I'll see what I can do. ....peace as a primary objective is dangerous because it implies that we would sacrifice anything for the sake of it.... Robert Kaplan |
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