i would die (review review review)(please)

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Critical Analysis #1

i would die (review review review)(please)

Littlewings
Member

since 1999-09-19

Posts 62

0 posted 1999-09-22 06:00 PM

I think that i would die.
Im dreaming of a day , the sun cant wash away.
Words forbidden burn like raindrops.
What did make me happy now makes me shed tears.
could you still love me after all of these years?
My moon of time sinks deep into a blue horizon.My lips are stiched.
In the center of a torrential rain, a spinning cener of pink skys,A hope beyond hope.
sometimes all i want to do is sleep.

This poem if a confused expression of the feelings I have for my stepbrother.
He had been my love/best friend for 5 years untill last year our parents married.I am in love with him i think. All I get anywhere is weird looks when I say this to anyone. It can be unbearably painful-watching your stepbrother undress ,not because of a love affair ,but because he sees you as a sister now and nothing else...
But enough of that-what about the way this poem is put together etc etc -wing

------------------
The heart has its reasons where reason knows nothing.

Artur Hawkwing
Member

since 1999-06-30

Posts 444
USA

1 posted 1999-09-22 06:20 PM

Littlewings, one thing I noticed is that you have a different way of writing. It chimes like drops of rain splashing on glass. And your poem is fine the way it is, it seems.... your style is so efficient I have a hard time seeing where it can be improved. Even the miscapitalization itself seems to be a strength.

What else should I say? In most families, this is not appropriate conduct. Did you know that? That's why people have been giving those strange looks....

[This message has been edited by Artur Hawkwing (edited 09-22-1999).]

Lynn
Member

since 1999-09-20

Posts 316
Jasper, Alabama U.S.A.

2 posted 1999-09-22 08:47 PM

Littlewings.....I thought yourpoem was very good.

I have a friend who fell in love with a guy, and a year later they became step-brother & sister. Both of them felt weird about it, but they stayed together up until about 3 months ago.

roxane
Senior Member

since 1999-09-02

Posts 505
us

3 posted 1999-09-22 09:12 PM

another great one.... i had no idea

these are really good and so wistful and longful, please keep posting

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

4 posted 1999-09-22 09:31 PM

Littlewings,
Take the explanation of this poem and write a poem about that. Integrate the two. That way you won't have to explain and have some people (like me) think the explanation is more interesting than the poem.

Just my opinion,
Brad

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