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Tuned out...
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Tuned out... |
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YeshuJah Malikk Member
since 2000-06-29
Posts 263 |
There sat I, upon the corner of a minstrel's note, be-draggled and spat upon. My take was twopence and a jug of warm ale, my oft down spirits to quell. It was the same every-day, I drank and cried and played the same tune upon the tattered strings of my wasted heart, but the townsfolk heard it different, saw it different. 'Play us a merry tune Will!' they would clamor, throwing a few pennies my way. And as always, I'd tuck that fiddle 'neath my chin and race it to stomps and cheers that kindled false feelings of humanness within my breast, and sent them glowing to their separate places, while I sat again upon the corner of a minstrel's tune awaiting the return of gloom. [This message has been edited by YeshuJah Malikk (edited 12-19-2000).] |
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Skyfyre Senior Member
since 1999-08-15
Posts 1906Sitting in Michael's Lap |
Top o' the afternoon to ya ... Ah, the wandering minstrel ... worn tunic and trews, the ruin of a fine hat, its plume plucked and askew ... Well, maybe I have read one too many fantasy novels, but I believe I've seen this guy before.  For the most part, I liked how you described his character.Had a bit of trouble with "my oft' down spirits to quail" -- the idea is right, but the phrasing is awkward. I would try something a little more conversational ... this is only personal preference but I just don't like "quail," even though it would seem to be in the proper context in the setting of this poem. *shrug* "tattered strings of my wasted heart" was my next question ... there isn't anything too terribly original about this line, but unfortunately I can't think of a way around the heart reference in order to get this point across. My suggestion here would be to eliminate one of the tired adjectives so as not to overload the line with cliche. The last stanza was my favorite; it was very believable and I think it wrapped your story up nicely. I would suggest a stronger ending, though ... "the return of gloom" was a bit vague. Try to personify the gloom, perhaps..? Give it a face that I can see and fear ... Overall, well done, I loved the idea and the read. --Linda Remember: maintaining a positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will certainly annoy enough people to make it worth the effort. |
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Marq Member
since 1999-10-18
Posts 222 |
I think 'oft down etc. to quail' was one of the best lines. I also liked the running fiddle. I think you could take out 'of humanness' in the last stanza however. |
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kcsgrandma Senior Member
since 2000-09-24
Posts 1522Presque Isle, ME |
YeshuJah - I like the thoughts in this. I've read quite a few of your works, and always find them thought-provoking. There are a couple of things here that bother me, though. One is the line "my oft' down spirits to quail." There are actually two things here. First, in my opinion, I think you could lose the apostrophe on "oft". I haven't checked my dictionary, but that seems to me to be an acceptable poetic word. The second is the word "quail" which I understand to mean to be overcome by fear. Is that what you intended? I would think "quell" might be a more appropriate usage here. My other concern is "I'd tuck that bow 'neath my chin." I cannot imagine how you'd play that fiddle with the bow, which is the part you draw across the strings of the fiddle, tucked 'neath your chin. I do like the idea of racing it, however. That image and what follows ring true to me. Anyway, just my thoughts.To love another person is to see the face of God. - Les Miserables Marilyn |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hey Yesh, I like this one. Good subject, uncommon choice of words, little rhymes at the end of each stanza. Do I see you starting to turn to structured poetry  Well, not really I suppose. I won't stretch my critical abilities by trying to point out anything more than, Good job. I enjoyed. Pete |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Yesh, This is quite a different type of writing from you. I like to see people stretch their creative abilities. I enjoyed this, though I do agree with some of the points made above. All in all, though, I think you did a nice job at reaching out that pen. Kris All good poetry is the spontaneous overflow of powerful feelings...~William Wordsworth |
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YeshuJah Malikk Member
since 2000-06-29
Posts 263 |
skyfyre, I changed 'quail' to 'quell' after reading the comments on this poem. I hope that reads better. 'Tattered strings of my heart' I did not change, for like you, I could not see a change making a significant difference here.. Glad you liked the last stanza. at least something to relate to. Again thanks. Marq, any suggestions for replacing 'humaness'? glad you thought the rest was good. kcsgrandma, thank you for pointing out the things you did. I've made those corrections above. Also, thank you for your kind comments. Not a poet, not a chance..structured poetry is not my domain. I just like to write how I feel. Glad you found this enjoyable. Kris, thank you for your kind comments. I'm trying with this poetry thing. |
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peppermint35 Senior Member
since 2000-05-28
Posts 1106Texas, USA |
I enjoyed reading...I'm not good at critical analysis, so I'll leave that to the others...nice story here Pepper "A poem is the very image of life expressed in its eternal truth." Percy Bysshe Shelley |
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YeshuJah Malikk Member
since 2000-06-29
Posts 263 |
peppermint, glad you found this readable. DOn't worry about the critical part. Thanks. |
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