| How to Join | Member's Area | Private Library | Search | Sanctuary | Login | |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Main Forums | Discussion | Tech Talk | Mature Content | Archives |
A home without a wall, |
|
|
||||||
| How to Join | Member's Area | Private Library | Search | Sanctuary | Login | |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Main Forums | Discussion | Tech Talk | Mature Content | Archives |
A home without a wall, |
|
|
|
||||||
| Critical Analysis #1 |
|
The lyricist |
|
|
Kevin Rose Member
since 2000-11-20
Posts 64Liverpool UK |
The rhythm was set, the drumbeat started, Believing the tune that was set you imparted. Our dance was our futures in beautiful rhyme The score of our lives beating one single time Orchestrated perfection, the music sublime. But the cacophony came, and you left me alone Left me to face our dance on my own I believed that the rhythm came from you all along, But I danced all alone and found I was wrong. So from now on its me writes the words to my song Please be as harsh as you like with this. I like the idea enough to want to perfect this piece. I think it has a lot of potential, but need any suggestions at all... maybe it needs to be longer? |
||
| © Copyright 2000 Kevin Rose - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Craig Member
since 1999-06-10
Posts 444 |
Hello Kevin I don’t think you have to make it any longer, as it stands the first verse lays out the description of the perceived duet and the belief that the lead vocal was supplied by the partner. The second highlights the realisation that one half can sing and dance alone. Unless you increased the two halves equally you run the risk of unbalancing the whole and even if you managed to keep the balance you could lose the feel of shift from one part to the other. What I would suggest is replacing some of the words you use more than once with alternatives, set, left and rhythm. Having ‘imparted’ at the end of line two is necessary to keep to the rhyme scheme but it twists the lines meaning which draws undue attention to the rhyme, making it seem forced. The line does make sense but isn’t obvious which will make readers re-read the line and trip over the rhyme making it look forced. The fourth line seems to be crying out for the use of the phrase ‘Double Time’, ‘single’ time seemed to fly in the face of the togetherness theme you were aiming for. 'Double time lends itself to the rhythm and duet feel. What do you think? Finally the last line lacks the punch that you need to cap off your poem, it feels a little too un-poetic if you know what I mean. I’m only giving my opinion, I’m not saying I’m right, chances are I’m probably not but it might give you an idea or two. Thanks for the chance to read and reply. Craig Yes, I admit your general rule. That every poet is a fool: But I myself may serve to show it. That every fool is not a poet. |
||
|
OLIAS Senior Member
since 2000-06-20
Posts 1090Pearl city Iowa |
Hi Kevin, I read your poem and liked it, your probably right about it being longer it seems to hang in the air a little. This is just a personal thing but if your content is using music as a comparison to your relationship, then I feel the meter should be strong and dominant, it adds to the meaning of the piece. Love it or hate it for strong rythmn and rhyme (forget about content) try listening to some rap, because I feel it could be very helpful to you, especially with this. Its just a personal opinion but I feel a solid 4/4 with a heavy down beat.  Thanks for giving me an opportunity to comment on your work, it has great potential. Regards Olias |
||
|
OLIAS Senior Member
since 2000-06-20
Posts 1090Pearl city Iowa |
oops just read craigs reply he got in before me, could be pistols at dawn lolRegards, Olias p.s. he makes way more sense than I do. |
||
|
Kevin Rose Member
since 2000-11-20
Posts 64Liverpool UK |
Many thanks. bearing both sets of comments in mind I have adapted it so I get the stresses right on the beats, and hopefully including the right beat, and removed the duplicates. the last line changed too, which is odd cause htat was the inspiration for the poem, and it changes the emphasis, but fits a lot better than the old one I think.... feedback? The lyricist. The tempo was set. the drumbeat was started, Believing the baseline was what you created. Our dance was our futures in beautiful rhyme The score of our lives beating out double time Orchestrated perfection, the music sublime. But cacophony came, and you left me alone I found I was singing our tune on my own I thought that the rhythm was yours all along, But I danced all alone and found I was wrong. I now know that I wrote the words to our song |
||
|
Kevin Rose Member
since 2000-11-20
Posts 64Liverpool UK |
OLIAS.... your idea for listening to rap was a good one, although not a tormant I am willing to put myself through. I do go for the feeling of the rhythm though, and can see the point that it wasnt quite right, the hexameter was not quite there on it. I think it is the opposite of iambic... i.e the stresses need to come on the latter syllables, but I get the meaning for a very tight rhythm, as in rap, due to the subject matter being fundementally musical. Craig,..... excellent critique. I thought about everything in it and didnt blindly follow but decided to try a few revisions to see if it would improve the piece. Each one of them did. I am still not 100% sure of the second line though. I had already knocked out a lot of initial duplicates just missed the others you mentioned. I needed the second set of eyes to appraise it. This is why I love poetry, it increases the vocabulary immensely as you search for words to match the form of a piece that impart the meaning you want. At the risk of getting shot down, that is why I see free verse as a bit of a get out... it takes away a lot of the art in poetry. it is easier to portray feelings in free verse because you can concentrate on the emotion, but if you choose to tie yourself down to a more set meter and rhyme, then you can get the same message across but in a much more flowing and aesthetically pleasing way. comments? |
||
|
Irish Rose Member Patricius
since 2000-04-06
Posts 10263 |
The rhymes are too forced in this entire poem. Every line doesn't have to rhyme, in fact many readers prefer they don't, it invites monotony. I would go with an active voice, rather than the passive one, it includes the reader more. :"Left me" is redundant, you said it once, and then again. You mention music tooo many times. oh, let me try a stab at this, I like the theme, in fact I like all of it. may I? The worst you can do is laugh!! The rhythm is set as the drumbeat begins and the melody fills the room. This dance is our future in beautiful rhyme A score of our lives in a tune. The orchestra plays to perfection, and the music brings words to the song Til the cacophony falls and you leave me to finish our dance all alone. It was then that I knew all the rhythm had always been yours to impart. And you carried it with you that evening accompanying the strings of my heart. Kathleen [This message has been edited by Irish Rose (edited 11-23-2000).] |
||
|
Kevin Rose Member
since 2000-11-20
Posts 64Liverpool UK |
you are right by saying that every line dosnt have to rhyme..... and you illustrated it well. but I have to say, I laughed. not for the reason you think but because you managed to change the topic completely and write a beautiful piece from the other perspective. the original point of the poem was to illustrate the strength of being alone, whereas yours illustrates the fact the strenth was drawn completely from the other. absolute in the reversal of meaning. as a piece though, it is great.... and standing alone is wonderful. I wanted to rhyme every line as a challenge, and I wanted the twist the couples strength to turn it to being the individuals strength. what you did was reverse both of these and take the idea of music and relationship and paint the other side, with great skill. your poem is the nemesis of mine! anyone wanna vote on which is better? |
||
|
Irish Rose Member Patricius
since 2000-04-06
Posts 10263 |
Thanks, Kevin, for being so receptive! I guess it's all from the "poet's" point of view! It's a great piece, nonetheless and if you do decide to revise it, I'd love to read it!< !signature--> "When red-haired girls scamper like roses over the rain-green grass, and the sun drips honey."" Laurie Lee Kathleen [This message has been edited by Irish Rose (edited 11-23-2000).] |
||
|
Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Kevin, Irish...ya'll are too quick...here's my two cents: The rhythm set, a drumbeat started, Believing the tune was set as you imparted. Our dance was our future, in beautiful rhyme The score to our lives beating in double time Orchestrated perfection, the music sublime. But cacophony came, you left me alone Left to face our dance on my own believing the rhythm came from you all along, But as I danced alone, found I was wrong. from now on in single time I'm left to write the words to my song Kevin, what my attempt wanted to show was more of the "beat beat" to the music of the piece... regards, Karilea If I whisper, will you listen?... I would rather be silent and write, than speak loudly and be bound. KRJ |
||
|
warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Kevin, I really enjoyed this...even though the music format has been used a lot, you utilized it from a nice angle. I liked the message, also, that we can not be truly happy with someone else unless we are happy within. I have, if I may, just a couple of suggestions... "The rhythm was set, the drumbeat started, Believing the tune that was set you imparted." >Here, the rhythm of the second line would stay truer if you eliminated "that", and it read, "Believing the tune was set, you imparted," "Our dance was our futures in beautiful rhyme The score of our lives beating one single time" > here "future" might sound better...singular. The score of our lives beating "in" single time...perhaps? "Orchestrated perfection, the music sublime. But the cacophony came, and you left me alone" > I liked these.... Left me to face our dance on my own" > Maybe "face 'the' dance on my own"? "I believed that the rhythm came from you all along, But I danced all alone and found I was wrong." > Liked these, too... "So from now on its me writes the words to my song" > "From now on, I will write the words to my song"....is more grammatically correct, although many don't care too much for it's correctness. Like I said, Kevin, I like the poem very much, and you may do what you will with my suggestions...they are only one humble opinion. I truly enjoed the poem, Kris "Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former." ~ Albert Einstein |
||
|
Kevin Rose Member
since 2000-11-20
Posts 64Liverpool UK |
Ok... rewrite now posted as new topic as a lot of the later critiques were on the original not the rewrite. Craig: great critique and almost all of the suggestions were spot on. Many thanks. Olias: great idea about looking att the rhythm, just need to type faster to get in before craig LOL Irish Rose: great twist to the piece and appreciative of the other angle... there's the rewrite for ya. You gave me the confidence to use the partial rhyme on the second line though. Sunshine: Again you picked up on the rhytme flaws. Not sure if your try was any better, seemed a little uneven, but thanks for the ideas on it Kris: Again an excellent critique. I used a couple of the points there and again the rhythme flaws were held up (you all think the same you know) Big thanks to all of you. This was my first poem on this board and rest assured any other I think has the potential to become a good piece, I will come here for its final spit and polish. You guys are great. |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
