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A home without a wall, |
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| Critical Analysis #1 |
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The only happy poem I've ever written |
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sexyILN Junior Member
since 2000-11-20
Posts 29 |
I have touched the wellspring I am soaring screaming with life! I am filled with joy! joy and life are bubbling up out of me. I have touched the wellspring I can fly I can dream I can do anything! I am free! free as a bird! free to explore the vast expanses of the world. I have touched the wellspring I am touched I feel it down to the bottom of my soul. It was so beautiful! I think I might cry. I have touched the wellspring I am changed forever altered I cannot describe what I saw what I touched. I just know it happened. I have touched the wellspring and the wellspring saved my life. ...peace as a primary goal, is dangerous because it implies that you will sacrifice any principle for the sake of it.... Robert Kaplan |
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| © Copyright 2000 sexyILN - All Rights Reserved | |||
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
SexyILN, You were industrious enough to bring up an older poem and comment on it, so I feel that the least I can do is try to give you an honest critique. Remember...this is a critique of you poem, not you, and it is only my humble opinion. First of all, though this does have potential, a poem should have some rhythm...a flow...even in free verse. This seems to be more of a declaration instead of a poem. Secondly, I feel the poem would be much better if you employed your personal, unique language instead of using such commonly seen words. You need to make it all your own...put your stamp on it. You repeat life and joy...there are many, many other words you could use to attach your feelings to what you wish to say. "Free as a bird" is a very commonly over-used phrase...and I know you would like your poem to be individually yours. I would suggest perhaps reading some contemporary and classic poetry, and "how-to" books on writing poetry, and then attempt a re-write..developing and using your own unique style. You do have good potential, as I said...KEEP WRITING. That's how you'll get better. (Passions' has a link to writing resources, and there's also Poetry Workshop) This was just one person's opinion...do with it what you will. I wish you all the best. mia < !signature--> ...got to be somewhere better than in the middle...~Wallflowers [This message has been edited by miapoetess (edited 11-22-2000).] |
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sexyILN Junior Member
since 2000-11-20
Posts 29 |
Thanks very much mia. I responded to your older poem, because it only had three responses. I find it frustrating that I had five poems up and no responses. I guess I'm not patient enough, but oh well. Thanks again for your critique. I'll remember that. But you can't expect my language to be great, remember, it's (seriously!) the only happy poem I've ever written. It was also an experimental poem. I was trying new stuff. I'll have to work on that. Oh, and mia, I really respect your "humble opinion" (and your poetry) just so you know. ...peace as a primary goal, is dangerous because it implies that you will sacrifice any principle for the sake of it.... Robert Kaplan |
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