I swear does not need to be negative

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Critical Analysis #1

I swear does not need to be negative

sexyILN
Junior Member

since 2000-11-20

Posts 29

0 posted 2000-11-20 11:04 PM

A solemn pledge

I will not give up.
I will not stop trying.
I may grow weary.
I may grow faint.
But the day I stop trying,
will be the day I die.
I will not give up
even against the most
determined adversary.
No matter the persecution,
no matter the pain.
I will work until I drop.
I will give until I own no more.
My life is not my own.
I give it for the good of others.
I will follow in the steps
of the peacemakers,
and stand bold and strong
in the face of war.
Exhaustion will not hinder me,
pain will not halt me.
I have chosen my path.
I will follow it to the end.
I f my death come,
because of this pledge,
I welcome the privilege
to die for what I believe.
But never shall I stop.
Never shall I give up.
Never shall I accept defeat.
Never shall I lose.
For I will continue on always.
This is my pledge.
I swear it to the end.

Marq
Member

since 1999-10-18

Posts 222

1 posted 2000-11-21 06:49 PM

Actually, I kind of like this! But it's too earnest and too declarative. I think you could convey your determination and your resolve in a softer more poetic way without losing any effectivness. Good luck!

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

2 posted 2000-11-22 09:57 AM

Hi sexyILN,

Welcome to CA but what should we call you? I saw this yesterday but didn't know what to say. Now having the benefit of Marq's comments, I think he found th right words. It is too declarative, almost in the form of a rant although the subject matter probably doesn't quite agree with that. I think you could, as he said, soften it a bit, be a little more vague, be more metaphoric and improve it a great deal.

Pete

Imagination is more important than knowledge
Albert Einstein

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