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after april..critique?
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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after april..critique? |
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aurora rain Member
since 2000-11-15
Posts 90 |
hello...i'm fairly new here, and was hoping to get some pointers on my poetry. i haven't written in awhile so if you find me a bit rusty, please let me know how i can fix that. (i'm only seventeen, by the way..) Up they trace her like a rainbow. Perfect arc in her lips shine the moon, morning glory rain, sixteen candles in between the silent rush of mouth to mouth. I swear, it’s insane— To hold you, save fury for the angry days hold steadfast under the mast and sail— And wave. Wave goodbye to the trembling lips that brought us here in the beauty of those days, April days, when storms ceased to rage and under the cold you felt the sting of blind love, love, as your lips part to say my name. And seventeen candles later, the kiss was no more. Diminished by the mottling of the face you wore relentless and breathless in between spills of color in July. Because, because, because, they say— There is no hereafter, in this under-the-wings goodbye. (and so I kissed this angel as I painted him in the sky) And you sift through the sand, lingering listless somehow, tracing your lips with his fingertips the way he did last year. And all the broken bottles he’d left were never enough to reciprocate this unfortunate love, for I lost you in the last sip long ago “but please” they beg and “no” they cry and I can’t forgive (remember the year we spent together catching the speeding light) And it was here I spent the time comparing life to a roadside scrape. I never got into them, either— the whole world was an accident and I just pretended I was too, too far along to sing piano and play the voice back in my head, stereo nonstop timbre just like always and just like you, I lose grip sometimes. And the road clenches up its passageways in fury these days (and I sit here under this tree with heavy wings, wondering what it’s like to love you) |
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dragonpoe Senior Member
since 2000-11-12
Posts 608Palm Bay, Florida |
Hmm. I am confused about who she is and who he is,and the way this poem jumps persona. I am not sure what is trying to be said, there is no imagery. In the first stanza:Up they trace her like a rainbow. Perfect arc in her lips shine the moon, morning glory rain, sixteen candles in between the silent rush of mouth to mouth. I swear, it’s insane— To hold you, save fury for the angry days hold steadfast under the mast and sail— I would delete Up, that really confuses me. "They trace her like a rainbow.." fits and creates a smoother introducion, yet I am still unsure of who "she" is. And you sift through the sand, lingering listless somehow, tracing your lips with his fingertips the way he did last year. And all the broken bottles he’d left were never enough to reciprocate this unfortunate love, for I lost you in the last sip <- here you jump persona and start with you and him where before you used I, using the self. for I lost you in the last sip long ago “but please” they beg and “no” they cry and I can’t forgive <- Really like these lines. I like too, the use of ( ) to exhibited inner thoughts. As I am rereading this, to make my comments accurate, a sudden picture starts to form. Like that of you, the self I mentioned above, is actually not one of the subjects in the piece, but rather a witness, documenting what you've seen. The underlying structure of this piece is good, and I like the way you are trying to say this, but, without a clear picture, it deflates the poem. Ew, I sound so harsh and judgmental! Don't mean to be. I really read this several times to make sure. I hope I helped  < !signature-->With the word, I am mighty, with the pen I am free.. dragonpoe [This message has been edited by dragonpoe (edited 11-15-2000).] |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Aurora, Welcome to CA. Sorry but I don't have any useful advice for you at this time but I did want to say hello. I'll try to do better next time (or maybe later). Thanks Pete |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Welcome to CA, Aurora Rain, I will just say, as this is your first post, that I think you have enormous potential...your writing is very good. You present unusual imagery vividly, with very little, if no, cliche. For my taste, this is a little too prosey. I, myself, tend to write that way, too, and of course, it is much easier to spot in someone else's work. Perhaps a little more breaks, line definition ans such would help...just my opinion and a suggestion not to be taken too seriously. I thoroughly enjoyed reading this, and urge you to keep writing and posting. mia ...got to be somewhere better than in the middle...~Wallflowers |
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