»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #1
»
The Redeemed.
| Critical Analysis #1 |
|
The Redeemed. |
|
|
YeshuJah Malikk Member
since 2000-06-29
Posts 263 |
I've seen the redeemed, in halls of rock, where they roll, joint to joint, in mosh pits hewn from the decadence of uncertainty. They assume the posture of death to evoke life from pierced belly buttons and nipples dipped in the ecstasy of pain, tomorrow is a distant place upon the horizon that will eventually come, in waves of the disgruntled. They are green, vampire impersonators, Gothic, some call themselves Zen Buddhist Coptic, bent upon disrupting the present state of things. Parents fear them, governments and NGOs try to switch and bait them, with sermons from the mount of societal responsibility, given in chapels of higher education and strange hallway encounters with voices made mute by false content. I've seen the redeemed. [This message has been edited by YeshuJah Malikk (edited 11-14-2000).] |
||
| © Copyright 2000 YeshuJah Malikk - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Marq Member
since 1999-10-18
Posts 222 |
I like the first two stanzas but not the last two. You want an explanation? Okay, I thought the development or build was better than what you built up to. The last stanza in particular seemed a little bit too earnest, if you know what I mean. Liked the first two stanzas a lot though.  ) |
||
|
dragonpoe Senior Member
since 2000-11-12
Posts 608Palm Bay, Florida |
Sorry to say that the first two stanzas held my interest then I lost it after that. The beginning gives an introductory of a script-like piece, telling us the way of life of these outsiders, outcasted. That they are different, but still entitled to being who they are. Then the following drops it, changing the flow from definition to resentment. And therefore loses its power. I agree with Marq, those first two parts are really good. With the word, I am mighty, with the pen I am free.. dragonpoe |
||
|
warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Hi Yesh, I must say I had a bit more difficulty with this one than your last couple of poems. I finally formed my own perception that these young people are who will be in charge one day...they are already redeemed. They push aside what others try to tell them, and assert their independence (even though they are fitting in with their crowd). We all did it in one way or another. This reminded me, in a way, of a more modern Back to the Future. mia ...got to be somewhere better than in the middle...~Wallflowers |
||
|
YeshuJah Malikk Member
since 2000-06-29
Posts 263 |
Marq and Dragonpoe. You both recognized what I knew. The first two stanzas are good. I just got lazy on the rest of it. Will re-write keeping first two stanzas. Mia, you're correct in a sense about the persons being depicted. Webster defines redeem as, among other things, 'to free from captivity by payment of ransom'// I wrote this with the idea of spiritual redemption in mind. Do the not yet redeemed know themselves as such? Perhaps, I did not make this as clear as it could be. I'll re-write with all of the above comments in mind. Thank you all for reading and commenting. |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
