amused by small things (important things) -- rewrite

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Ryan
Member

since 1999-06-10

Posts 297
Kansas

0 posted 2000-11-14 11:27 AM

I swear there is a hat on my head,
but I see it still sitting
across the room
on top of the television,
and I don't know
what to do about that.

I can see the hat there
(13 tiles over; 6 drawers + 1 tv up),
but I must be wearing it
because my hair is
limp and motionless,
and it will not experience
the moment.

There is no other explanation.

There could be a moment when
the wind blows and
the sun shines and
a few other things happen
that might catch my attention
so that I’ll take a breath...

-- frisbee arcing with
moon in tow; Pegasus hunts
for a breeze tonight --

...and let it out again,
with everything the same,
but the moment is gone
and the hat is still on my head
even though it is on the television
in my room, and I am not.

Ryan

I like too many things and get all confused and hung-up running from one falling star to another till i drop. This is the night, what it does to you. I had nothing to offer anybody except my own confusion.
—Jack Kerouac

dragonpoe
Senior Member

since 2000-11-12

Posts 608
Palm Bay, Florida

1 posted 2000-11-15 04:17 PM

I get the feel of growing old.
A piece verbalizing the flitting of thoughts and memories as the mind ages outside the body.
I like the detail to where the hat is, brings the image in a more defined perspective and allows me to read not as a reader but as the subject. I like that feeling.

With the word, I am mighty, with the pen I am free..
dragonpoe

Ryan
Member

since 1999-06-10

Posts 297
Kansas

2 posted 2000-11-20 03:59 AM

dragonpoe -- Thanks for your comments. That's an interesting idea about reading as the subject, not the reader. I'm going to think about that some.

Ryan

I like too many things and get all confused and hung-up running from one falling star to another till i drop. This is the night, what it does to you. I had nothing to offer anybody except my own confusion.
—Jack Kerouac

sexyILN
Junior Member

since 2000-11-20

Posts 29

3 posted 2000-11-20 11:13 PM

I liked your poem. I thought that it sounded like insanity, but it couldn't be because of the detail in some parts. Very nicely done. You made the reader (ME

) think.

Marq
Member

since 1999-10-18

Posts 222

4 posted 2000-11-21 07:02 PM

I think this is an excellent poem! Truly a 'moment' of inspiration for you. There were a couple of lines I felt were not quite as strong as the others: 'and it will not experience the moment', I think could be improved. And 'the wind blows/the sun shines' seemed rather commonplace for such an otherwise inspired piece. Good job!

Ryan
Member

since 1999-06-10

Posts 297
Kansas

5 posted 2000-11-29 12:28 PM

Thanks to both of you for your comments. Sorry it's taken so long to get back, but it's been busy enough lately. Marq, you're not the first one to criticize those sections, and they'll be the ones I think about most before I rewrite. Thanks again to everyone.

Ryan

"Hey Jim Kerouac, brother of the famous Jack, or so he likes to say...lucky bastard"
--Cracker, "Big Dipper"

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