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The Better Days
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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The Better Days |
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Lynn Member
since 1999-09-20
Posts 316Jasper, Alabama U.S.A. |
The better days have passsed me by, leaving me alone to sit and cry. People and time move too fast, leaving me behind in the past. All the memories have become a blur, seeming like they never were. Thoughts I had, mistakes I made, are now things that leave me so afraid. But those days I will always remember, especially the month of September. Because that is when you said your good-bye..... [This message has been edited by Lynn (edited 09-29-1999).] |
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| © Copyright 1999 Jennifer Lynn Bonham - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Lynn, This is a tough one. I find this to be very sincere and personal and don't want to hurt your feelings but you did post it here so presumably you do want it to be seen as a poem and looked at as a poem. WARNING: the following will be negative (I hope not that negative) so either brace yourself or stop reading.  past versus passed -- the way you've phrased this, I think you mean passed. to fast -- too fast (this is very distracting for a reader) second 'past'-- correct usage but repetitive Internal rhyme still needs a meter to keep the flow going; you need a strong rhythm to create the sound I think you want. Some of the rhymes seems a bit overused. Try for something more original if you want to rhyme (I have the same problem though. It's tough to rhyme well.) Theme and content: Well, I know you're a high school student so I found it a little difficult to read the first line with any seriousness. Hyperbole is generally not effective in a poem of this type. I'm not doubting that you feel like that; I am saying that you might want to play down those feelings for the reader's sake. Unfortunately, you haven't told us enough about the situation to make someone care about it (in the poem, mind you, not in your life). Show us what happend and MAKE the reader feel something. As a writer, you should expect nothing less of yourself. Good luck, Brad |
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Lynn Member
since 1999-09-20
Posts 316Jasper, Alabama U.S.A. |
Brad....Thank you for your comments/corrections. I am a beginner and I need all the help I can get. I appreciate it. The first line is personal, but very serious. It's meant in a way that only I and a few of my friends would understand by just simply reading it. It's about a very confussin, saddening, and all around terrible time in my life. I plan on rewriting this one, because I too realized very many mistakes. But thank you again for your corrections/comments. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I'm very happy that you took what I said in the spirit it was intended. If you can, read my comment on Martie's poem 'Insomniac'. A self described 'beginner' needs to hear how comments should be taken or not taken within their own poem. Listen to everybody but trust yourself. That said, I wonder if you might consider describing the actual situation that brought you to this point. I know it's personal but, for some of us, poetry is about getting that personal, of writing a piece that rips the reader's heart out of his body (pretty disgusting if you think about it) and squeezing until they can take no more. Does that make any sense? Brad |
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Lynn Member
since 1999-09-20
Posts 316Jasper, Alabama U.S.A. |
Brad....Yes, it makes sense. Well, about my poem. I'll try my best to describe what's behind it. OK..here goes nothing. My brother and I have always been very cose. He's about two and a half years oldes than me and I look up to him a lot. Last year, my brother invited me into his "circle" of friends. It was the best thing that happened to me that whole year. I was so suprised he did it. Well, one of his friends and I ended up falling for each other. We started going out, and it made my brother extremely mad. Everything became very confusing for the whole "circle". We were all having to share each others time, instead of just all being together. My brother's friend and I couldn't be together in front of my brother and that caused big problems. In the end, the whole "circle" of friends broke up, and I have always felt as if it was my fault. My brother and I are just now talking again, and no one from our "circle" of friends talk any more. Well, to sum it all up... The first verse was basically writen because I see them as the "better days" and they passed by so quickly and I wish I still had them. This also applies to verses 2 & 3 also. The fourth verse was written because I know I made the mistake of getting involved with my brother's best friend and I will always dwell on those mistakes. And the last part was written because I will never forget those times. September was the month that the whole "circle" seperated. I hope that was a good enough explanation...... |
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