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paycheck compensation
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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paycheck compensation |
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kid D Member
since 2000-10-18
Posts 64 |
ok, started with this paycheck compensation spattered blood on the steps crimson evidence of last night's pain respect walked around instead of on late for work tried not to think of the steps where someone sat and bled someone sat and cried and with some critique and help got this.... paycheck compensation spattered blood on the steps evidence of last night's pain respect walked around instead of on late for work tried not to think of cold cement where someone sat and bled sat and cried do you like either or does it still need work? |
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| © Copyright 2000 kid D - All Rights Reserved | |||
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
kid, Remember, this is only my opinion, meant to be of help, and taken as you wish... I'm not really good at critiques, but both feel too "loose", as if they need something to tie the words together. I would guess that if this were about battering, then perhaps the second stanza should read that respect was walked on. The second version is better, but maybe you could get a little more descriptive, of the feeling that the image provokes. The third stanza...I would probably change "late for work" with "morning rush", or something similar. Again, more of the feeling... You've got a good piece started here, kid...just needs a little something IMHO. mia ...got to be somewhere better than in the middle...~Wallflowers |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Kid, I get the feeling you're trying to tell something important here but I just can't determine what it is. Maybe Mia was right in describing it as too loose. For me (I may be a little slow) I need a little more explanation although the description is very good. Thanks, Pete |
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Corazon Senior Member
since 2000-02-02
Posts 1209 |
well i had something to say, but i think i will wait til i think about this more  [This message has been edited by Corazon (edited 11-02-2000).] |
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kid D Member
since 2000-10-18
Posts 64 |
ok I see that this is not working...let me explain and then maybe we can figure out what i am missing ok? *i* saw the blood on the steps, out of respect, walked around it, hurried to unlock the door and get to work so that i wouldn't have to think about the person that the blood belonged to and the pain that brought it in to existance...but if my poem doesnt' allow you to see this also, then i didn't do my job as the poet will try a rewrite with a bit more clarity ok, one more thing, i want 'late to work' to read as the subject...as in respect(s) walked(v) and 'late for work'(s) tried(v) would lateforwork....or late-for-work be more clear? ....or any other suggestions are welcome also... ok now the title, I think the title is the key and that might be why this isn't working... the premise of the title...and i still wasn't sure that the title worked...i chose it because we work and we get so caught up in making that paycheck that we lose track of the little things in life, and we don't have time to think about someone bleeding and crying...and this poem (more or less) asks if the paycheck makes it worth what we lose along the way...ok...now that i explained, tell me if the idea follows through better... and...still working on a rewrite thanks mia, and not a poet, your comments help much...but hey don't give up...we got work to do here |
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