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Dreams
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Dreams |
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Dark Angel Member Patricius
since 1999-08-04
Posts 10095
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Dreams, gather the shores and mountains of your thoughts scattered ash-like wind-pushed, from breath heavy with aspiration, a toss of loneliness a turn of fear collected inside the dark curve of your brow dreams, a crown of stars sleep's headdress the you within? or possibly the face of your skin Angel of Darkness 0ctober 2000 < !signature--> "If my words could blanket the skies and fill every corner and crevice of this earth, still this won't be enough" "Maree Russo" [This message has been edited by Dark Angel (edited 10-31-2000).] |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
maree i am not yet so steeped in "bradness" that i can't admit to liking a poem with the title "Dreams".... and i did like this .........a LOT  you had some much better imagery and ideas in this than the other poem, and you managed originality in a topic which, as you know, is overwritten. two points... i wondered whether it might be better to try an avoid mentioning dreams in the actual poem, leaving the title. And secondly perhaps it might work better in the first person. wasn't madly keen on "the you within?" either i had a go at a few alterations: Dreams Sleep gathers the shores and mountains of my thoughts scattered ash-like wind-pushed, from breath heavy with aspiration, a toss of loneliness a turn of fear harvested in the dark curve of my brow and projected as a crown of stars sleep's headdress my shaded screen, or possibly the face of my skin ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ anyway maree i just want to emphasise that i thought your version was excellent thanks MP oh, and best of luck with your poetry soc [This message has been edited by Poertree (edited 10-31-2000).] |
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Jamie Member Elite
since 2000-06-26
Posts 3168Blue Heaven |
Maree, I agree with Philip in that the first person version soundss better,, but.... I get the sense that the writer is not(hehe) "watching" someone dream.....if so, changing it would change the intent of the poem would it not? And, do you think the "?" is needed??... A really good poem DA, once again your imagination shows its originality.< !signature--> Jamie Tu ne cede malis, sed contra audentior ito. - Virgil. "Yield thou not to adversity, but press on the more bravely". [This message has been edited by Prometheus (edited 11-01-2000).] |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
hummm..interesting take jamie..i didn't see it like that - which is odd because normally when maree uses "you" and "your" i DO in fact assume she's talking about a specific third party (as i did in her music poem. This time for some reason i just assumed she was looking at "dreams" in general ie anybodys dreams humanity as a whole. Trying to think why i would assume that and i can only attribute it to the fact that the poem itself has a kind of general air about it, as if it's on an exploration of the very nature of "the stuff" of dreams based presumably on the speaker's own experience of dreams, because after all how can the speaker know what is going on in some other specific persons mind? This is surely an extrapolation of the speaker's own experience, no? not sure whether i've convinced myself or not....lol all i would say though is that, if you are right and the speaker is looking at a specific sleeper then the poem is diminished in my view because it lacks sufficient detail in relation to the person observed. just an opinion P |
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Jamie Member Elite
since 2000-06-26
Posts 3168Blue Heaven |
Well Philip, you must admit it is a sight better than " I wonder what that snoring slob is dreaming about now."....lol Jamie Tu ne cede malis, sed contra audentior ito. - Virgil. "Yield thou not to adversity, but press on the more bravely". |
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Dark Angel Member Patricius
since 1999-08-04
Posts 10095 |
Philip, you are correct my friend, I am talking about dreams in general, not about a specific persons dream, and Jamie, yes you are correct, the "you" does tell the reader that there is another party. I don't know why I did that or why I didnt think of that. Philip, I read through your alterations and I love it so much better, nice to see only 4 changes  hehe that makes me feel good.I agree with leaving out the word "dream/dreams" I mean, really the title says it all doesnt it? DUH Maree! Jamie dear, yes I will give the question mark the flick, thank you Well Philip, you must admit it is a sight better than " I wonder what that snoring slob is dreaming about now."....lol LOL@Jamie Philip and Jamie, thank you both so much for your lovely replies and your very helpful comments *hugs*"If my words could blanket the skies and fill every corner and crevice of this earth, still this won't be enough" "Maree Russo" |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Maree, I guess it's time I join the crowd in saying I like this. But I'll add a couple more comments. I'm not bothered at all in have dreams appear in the body, even twice as you have done. It also looks okay as Philip proposed but I think I would leave it as is. Secondly (is that proper usage?) I know short lines are your style and not mine but I really don't see the reason for breath and heavy alone in the second stanza. To me it reads better thus: scattered ash-like wind-pushed, from breath heavy with aspiration, a toss of loneliness a turn of fear collected inside the dark curve of your brow Sorry to cut up your poem but this is JMHO. I do like the images and the way you have presented this much overused subject. Thanks Pete |
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Elizabeth Cor Senior Member
since 2000-10-13
Posts 879Over the river and through the woods |
Oh, Maree, I really, REALLY like this... my attack on Philip's version (hehe): Dreams Sleep gathers the shores and mountains of my thoughts scattered ash-like wind-pushed, from ~These lines are distracting to me, and I’m a hyphen addict  . I would take a careful look at your word choice, or simply the rhythm of the whole line. I.E., “ash-like wind-pushed” work well together, but not following “scattered” and preceding “from”. Possible changes:Use a metaphor instead of a simile. As in, “ash, wind-pushed” Or maybe edit 'scattered' "strewn ash-like wind-pushed" Not exactly sure what to do with the ‘from’. I understand you want ‘breath’ and ‘heavy’ as singular statements, so I wouldn’t suggest dropping ‘from’ to the next line either by itself, or attached to ‘breath’. Hmmm. Also, I like the last stanza without the “projected as” line… somehow doesn’t fit: too rigid. Perhaps: a crown of stars, sleep's headdress; the eclipsed me or possibly the face of my skin. Just my own humble opinions... ~ Beth < !signature--> I hate quotations. Tell me what you know. [This message has been edited by Elizabeth Cor (edited 11-02-2000).] |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
beth you have an interesting idea of "attacking" ...what are you like when you're being nice.....lol oh and you're absolutely right about "projected as" - my defence is that i was under pressure ..lol.. and i struggled to think of something more appropriate and couldn't, so i stuck it in anyway thanks for an interesting crit P |
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Dark Angel Member Patricius
since 1999-08-04
Posts 10095 |
Pete Hi I appreciate you stopping by and taking a look at this peice for me and your comments as well I know shortlines are your style and not mine but I really don't see the reason for breath and heavy alone in the second stanza I see what you mean Pete, and your format reads really well I do agree, now the reason why I put "breath" and "heavy" on seperate lines, was to give it that dragging feel, like when something is heavy, dragging down. I don't know if you understand what I mean, plus I wanted those two words to read quickly, don't know if you get me here. I also liked the way it read the way you have put it Pete and I don't mind you cutting up my poem at all, thats what it is here for isn't it ? again thanks for your imput, I do appreciate it so Maree ------------------------ Elizabeth, Howdy I would take a careful look at your word choice, or simply the rhythm of the whole line. I.E., “ash-like wind-pushed” work well together, but not following “scattered” and preceding “from”. Possible changes: Use a metaphor instead of a simile. As in, “ash, wind-pushed” I understand what you are saying here, but I am describing dreams ..."scattered ash-like" "wind-pushed" the "from" tells you where from, which is..." breath heavy with aspiration" the breath heavy is scattering the dream ash-like, wind pushed, don't know if you get me here. Don't know if I am making sense of this. If I use " ash wind-pushed, doesnt that tell the reader I am talking about ash itself? Am I incorrect? Please advise me Or maybe edit 'scattered' "strewn ash-like wind-pushed" ok yes I like the sound of this Perhaps: a crown of stars, sleep's headdress; the eclipsed me or possibly the face of my skin. Oh and I really like this Elizabeth, I thank you for taking the time to stop by and reading me, your comments and your advice and your humble opinions which I will take into consideration Maree ----------------------- Philip yes I agree, an interesting crit indeed, like you, Jamie and Pete, Elizabeth has given me something to go on I thank you all Maree "If my words could blanket the skies and fill every corner and crevice of this earth, still this won't be enough" "Maree Russo" |
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