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Critical Analysis #1
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Master
Senior Member
since 1999-08-18
Posts 1867
Boston, MA

0 posted 2000-11-01 12:05 PM


Here, in every silence you hear a space bar,--
Venice. The only setbacks of this place are
The knots in your veins which slow the blood.
And every street here, leads to “dot dot dot,”
Which echoes like Morse Code inside your chest.
Who was the architect that designed this nest,
Where fat pigeons pluck at the stranger’s hands
Where the people swarm like unsettled ants?
Venice,-- darkness falls, but the day won’t cease
As the footsteps strike on the keyboard keys
And the blaring sounds of the violins pierce
With sharp notes, the foreigner’s harking ears.
The gondolas float like the autumn leaves,
And the night, alone, stands in water and sieves
Those lost souls, who may, slip away and drift,
Pass the city’s gates, to an obscure rift
Of the underworld, where the current’s force
Overwhelms the souls’ and directs the course.
All grows silent there, lights fade into dark.
Nostalgia carves but a question mark
On the barren souls, -- there, the story ends,
And transplants us back into present tense.



Check out my poetry here:


http://cafepoetry.com/stage1/andrey_kneller.htm#My%20Hamlet


© Copyright 2000 Andrey Kneller - All Rights Reserved
Master
Senior Member
since 1999-08-18
Posts 1867
Boston, MA
1 posted 2000-11-05 01:17 PM


Could you compare this to the orginal version (posted in this forum) and tell me which is better?
jbouder
Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash
2 posted 2000-11-05 04:11 PM


M-

Although I don't have much time this afternoon, I did want to drop in and say that I like the revision better than the original.  Many of the changes were subtle (some of the diction changes, for example) but I think your change of the ending was the right move.  The second version seemed to read easier also.  Not sure if it was just me or a result of the change.

Thanks for the read.  I enjoyed the vocabulary exercise and, as a whole, think this is a strong offering.

Jim


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