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Faceless Voice
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Faceless Voice |
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shaddow New Member
since 2001-08-29
Posts 4TX |
Faceless voices in a crowded room All striving to be their own Yet accomplishing nothing but to become Mirrors of a pale reflection of what they could truly be They see in others what they themselves want to be They blend in components of what they themselves could never be It's no wonder they fall short of the goals they set For their goals are not goals, But desires for a fantasy that does not exist "...be transformed by the renewing of your mind..." Rom 12:2 |
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| © Copyright 2001 Juneious A. Knotts III - All Rights Reserved | |||
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jwesley Member Rara Avis
since 2000-04-30
Posts 7563Spring, Texas |
Hi Shaddow, Me thinks you need to work this a little, me friend. I understand what you're striving for, but you don't quite get it across. Faceless voices in a crowded room (okay) All striving to be their own (own what? Themselves?) Yet accomplishing nothing but to become (or - 'yet becoming nothing but') Pale reflections of what they truly could be. (mirrors of pale reflections is the same thing - use one or the other but pale reflections says more…works better.) They see in others (what they long to be) The next line - "they blend in …" needs to be reworked. If they blend in componets, then they become those componets, so "could never be" doesn't work. It's no wonder they fall short of (their goals), for their goals are not goals, but (dreams) of a fantansy that (doesn't exist.) Not saying the above is correct, necessarily, but do you see where I'm going with this, and why?? walk easy jwesley [This message has been edited by jwesley (edited 08-30-2001).] |
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Midnitesun
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647Gaia |
Faceless voices...I think maybe you could take this into the realm of music or sound in addition to or instead of the mirror imagery, and have these people hear a faint echo of what they want to be, bouncing off the false walls of self-image. Just a suggestion. Midnitesun, Kacy |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Hi shaddow - might be a good idea to rethink the three line endings of 'be' ruins your rhythm...  K |
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citizenx Member
since 2001-07-31
Posts 189motorcade |
shaddow, YOu have the atmosphere but the lines fall short of backing up the mood. The first verse is the most interesting, "accomplishing nothing but to become Mirrors of a pale reflection of what they could truly be" A very interesting image, I like it a lot. The rhythm could be improved slightly The second verse I feel simply tells the reader, where it should be painting the scene. For example: " It's no wonder they fall short of the goals they set For their goals are not goals, But desires for a fantasy that does not exist" You have some very good wording, but I think you need to do a bit of word play. I enjoyed the read. "the blizzard of the world has crossed the threshold and it has overturned |
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arthur Senior Member
since 2001-08-14
Posts 678england |
i like the basic idea it contains a large degree of truth but i pose the ? what is poetry for my definition ( and there as many as there are poets) is that it is a means of saying something importent in a simply and attractive way your poem is attractive but is it simple? every part of a poem should ( imho)have a purpose if you can take something out without detracting from the meaning or impact then you should anyway i enjoyed it and identified with it and you dont have to listen to me if you dont want to arthur |
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