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Kit McCallum
Administrator
Member Laureate
since 2000-04-30
Posts 14774
Ontario, Canada

0 posted 2000-10-12 03:02 PM


OK, you guys got me in the Alley, all that shameless advertising, LOL. This is a repost from Open 8 or 9 ... and you don't have to be gentle, I'm here on my own free will.    

I looked over some of your responses to others first before posting here, and feel you are both fair and constructive, but I do have a feeling, if I can survive this, I can survive anything (just kidding).  

I appreciate any help you can give. I do wish to improve, but need to know "where to look" first, so that's why I'm here. Some of my poems are "ballad-style", so I thought I'd use one of these as my first venture in here. I hope you don't mind, it's a little long (but maybe I should let "you" tell me that       )

Thanks!


Romance Is In The Air - Or Is It???

Two lovers in a rowboat, drift beneath the moonlit sky,
He serenades his lady love, she smiles and softly sighs;
They drift upon the water's edge, he gently holds his tune,
While nature echoes back to them, through calls of whispered loon.

He spies a spot, a little nook, where he can steal a kiss,
Yet currents overtake him, and his chance is quickly missed;
But not to be dissuaded from his ardent little quest,
He grabs the paddle, gives a yank ... and splashes soak her dress!

Now startled, she emits a cry, sits stunned in disbelief,
He quickly stands on tipsy legs, his arms outstretched in reach;
He wobbles down toward his love, attempts to take her hand,
But she lets out a shriek and points, as paddles start descend!

He lunges, tries to catch the tips, but off they float away,
He stands and looks to see her fingers, pointing up ... afraid;
He turns to see a low-hung branch, that bonks him on the head,
And tries to keep his balance, but he lands on her instead!

She gives a yelp, and rights herself, 'twas just in time to see,
The fork in distant view now, as she chattered frantically;
They dip their hands in chilly waters, try to steer with fright,
For calmer water's to the left ... but waterfall's on right!

Their futile efforts to persuade the boat to turn are lost,
About to take the plunge, they are ... so out the boat she's tossed!
She lands in frigid water, gets a grip upon a rock,
He joins her by her side, upon the shore where they embark.

They scamper up the bank and sit, their breath, they try to catch,
But much to their surprise, they've sat in poison ivy patch!
He jumps up, grabs his lady love, and off the trail they sway,
While arms are flailing, cheeks are twitching ... wiggles all the way!

Now up and down through hills they climb, through thickets and through brush,
He pauses, as he hears a sound that gives his heart a rush;
A mother bear, her cubs mid-point, across the path ahead,
He stops her now, they stand so still, pretend to just play dead.

They hover there for endless time, as mother bear, she snorts,
But then he gets a tickling from the ivy in his shorts!
He can't contain it any more, he grabs his lover's hand,
As they go flying through the woods, while scratching as they ran!

Eventually, they come across an open meadow field,
And straight ahead, they see a skunk, his love, he tries to shield ...
But sprayed they were, and stench there was, the skunk had met it's mark,
And so they lumbered stinkily, to find where they had parked.

He reached within his pocket (had a scratch while he was there),
And gave a silly grin to try impress his lady fair;
But in response, she simply dropped to laughing at his knees,
When pockets, they were empty, for he'd lost his blasted keys!

She rolled around the parking lot, hysterical it seemed,
Her eyes cajoling as she grinned at such a woeful scene!
Insulted now, he asked her why she laughed at him like this,
She blurted out "All this tonight!  For just one little kiss???"

"The next time when you feel the urge", she laughed and shook her head,
"Don't try so hard ... impress me not ... try Lover's Lane instead!"



[This message has been edited by Kit McCallum (edited 10-12-2000).]

© Copyright 2000 Kit McCallum - All Rights Reserved
Kit McCallum
Administrator
Member Laureate
since 2000-04-30
Posts 14774
Ontario, Canada
1 posted 2000-10-12 04:51 PM


Actually, maybe I should have asked for some advice first before posting this one. Do you accept this type of light-hearted poetry for CA? I wanted to start with this, then maybe bring in one later that has a different style and more depth. Just curious .... thanks.
Poertree
Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359
UK
2 posted 2000-10-17 01:24 PM


Kit

just bringing this to the top to remind myself ..lol..

Seeing as it was me made all the fuss in the alley i guess i need to do some work!  right now though i just got back from being away for four days ...

later ok

philip

Kit McCallum
Administrator
Member Laureate
since 2000-04-30
Posts 14774
Ontario, Canada
3 posted 2000-10-17 10:54 PM


Thanks Philip ... I was starting to have second thoughts (nerves are on edge now ... ack)  ... too long, too lighthearted, too silly. I picked this one because it's not my best, not my worst, but somewhere inbetween, so I would appreciate any insight you could provide. If you would prefer I could post a shorter, more indepth poem instead, that's OK too, I'd understand ... just let me know ... much appreciation in advance!  
Poertree
Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359
UK
4 posted 2000-10-19 01:50 PM


Hi Kit,

First off I'd like to say that of COURSE it's totally fine to post lighthearted stuff here ...... whether or not jim and brad have the word "lighthearted " in their vocab.  is however another matter entirely ~grin~.      anyway I for one like lighter poems occasionally.  next thing to say is that because I've been a little busy recently I haven't had time to even look at your other poems, which I know is bad in one way, but on reflection I thought I'd give it a shot looking at this without seeing what else you have done!  Now you're gonna tell me I've replied to lots of your poems in Open or Voices or something - I just know it...lol.....anyway ...please remember that I'm looking at this as a stand alone poem uninfluenced by who the writer is (coz I don't know you) or what you've done before ......ok here goes...

As far as I can see the success of a comic piece like this partly depends upon not distracting the reader from the narrative, and the punch line.  Generally you succeed, in that you've kept the meter reasonably smooth throughout (iambic with a few acceptable variations - the odd inversion for instance).  However you haven't gone for a deliberate use of cliches (as you might legitimately have done) and a few have crept in, which is a little annoying in some places, and also in parts the "voice" becomes, to my ear at least, near to a specific dialect, and as again, this presumably wasn't your intention it is another potential source of distraction.

Looking at the detail:

Romance Is In The Air - Or Is It???
Two lovers in a rowboat, drift beneath the moonlit sky,
He serenades his lady love, she smiles and softly sighs;

>>> good smooth opening and although totally cliche you get away with it easily as the reader doesn't yet know what to expect!

They drift upon the water's edge, he gently holds his tune,
While nature echoes back to them, through calls of whispered loon.

>>> ok ... you maybe start to suffer from a common malaise of rhyming strictly metered poetry ...the need to make everything "fit"..... "gently holds his tune" seems a little awkward to me and "whispered loon" is definitely asking too much - what the heck is a whispered loon??!!  I know this is a comic poem, but in a sense that makes it extremely important that the humour is produced in the way the poet intended and not by inadvertently lax writing.

He spies a spot, a little nook, where he can steal a kiss,
Yet currents overtake him, and his chance is quickly missed;
But not to be dissuaded from his ardent little quest,
He grabs the paddle, gives a yank ... and splashes soak her dress!

>>> nice stanza...... flows well rhyme works better and I can actually "see" the action

Now startled, she emits a cry, sits stunned in disbelief,

>>> would a little splash really do that!!  maybe just a little ott...no?

He quickly stands on tipsy legs, his arms outstretched in reach;
He wobbles down toward his love, attempts to take her hand,
But she lets out a shriek and points, as paddles start descend!

>>> "as paddles start descend" - this is the first of the "serious" distractions in that the omission of the preposition "to" comes over to me as too obvious a device to get the meter right and spoils the narrative flow.

He lunges, tries to catch the tips, but off they float away,
He stands and looks to see her fingers, pointing up ... afraid;

>>> liked the way you broke this up with pauses to match the jerky movements of the man

He turns to see a low-hung branch, that bonks him on the head,
And tries to keep his balance, but he lands on her instead!
She gives a yelp, and rights herself, 'twas just in time to see,
The fork in distant view now, as she chattered frantically;

>>> not sure about the comma after "see" and I definitely don't like "chattered frantically" ...lol...don't ask me why...!

They dip their hands in chilly waters, try to steer with fright,
For calmer water's to the left ... but waterfall's on right!

>>> yike the "horriblest"couplet yet ..lol ...... this may be my british way of reading but the first line seems to have awkward stresses.  Although at first sight it appears to be regular iambs, I kinda stumble in the middle -

they DIP their HANDS   in CHILL   y WA   ters TRY   to STEER   with FRIGHT

the section which causes the problem is:

y WA    ters TRY

the stress on ters is not sufficiently different from WA and coupled with the quickly following "T" sound of TRY the iambic rhythm seems to be broken, more like:

y WA TERS TRY to

all of which is not too bad, but I was wondering ..lol..... who is this "fright" person?   "try to steer with fright" sounds awfully contrived just to rhyme with "right".  Then in the second line of the couplet the missed function word "the" as in "the waterfall's on (the) right" takes this line into the realms of regional accent - a Lancastrian accent to be precise as in Daphne in Frazier - "eee bah gum lass put t'cat owt"..... or something

Their futile efforts to persuade the boat to turn are lost,
About to take the plunge, they are ... so out the boat she's tossed!
She lands in frigid water, gets a grip upon a rock,

>>> so far so good ..  the inversion thingy in line two adds to the comic effect I thing as does the omission of "of" in this case

He joins her by her side, upon the shore where they embark.

>>> hummm ... "he joins her by her side" - this just sounds really clumsy don't you think?

>>> "embark" sounds all wrong as well ..... they are in the water ...yes? ... "embarking" from the water to the land sounds odd?  normally embarking signifies starting out on a journey in any case.  Also the verb "embark" comes AFTER they are already on the shore in the narrative which makes its use there seem even odder.....lol

They scamper up the bank and sit, their breath, they try to catch,

>>> "their breath, they try to catch," another inversion thingy ..  maybe one too many?

But much to their surprise, they've sat in poison ivy patch!

>>> the missing definite article is now distinctly Lancastrian which wouldn't be so bad if the rest of the poem was written in the same accent ....as it is I'm sure it's missing solely in order to get the meter right?

He jumps up, grabs his lady love, and off the trail they sway,
While arms are flailing, cheeks are twitching ... wiggles all the way!

>>> kinda funny ...lol

Now up and down through hills they climb, through thickets and through brush,
He pauses, as he hears a sound that gives his heart a rush;
A mother bear, her cubs mid-point, across the path ahead,
He stops her now, they stand so still, pretend to just play dead.

>>>"He stops her now..." ...... he stops the mother bear !!!???

They hover there for endless time, as mother bear, she snorts,
But then he gets a tickling from the ivy in his shorts!
He can't contain it any more, he grabs his lover's hand,
As they go flying through the woods, while scratching as they ran!

>>>"As they go flying through the woods, while scratching as they ran" - grammar is wrong here "as" and "while" don't work.

Eventually, they come across an open meadow field,
And straight ahead, they see a skunk, his love, he tries to shield ...
But sprayed they were, and stench there was, the skunk had met it's mark,
And so they lumbered stinkily, to find where they had parked.

>>> "the skunk had met it's mark" ....sounds a little too much like "met his match" which is pretty much the opposite meaning to that which you wanted?

>>> "lumbered" ..hummm ..think you can do better than that ... shades of the bear in the earlier stanza

He reached within his pocket (had a scratch while he was there),
And gave a silly grin to try impress his lady fair;
But in response, she simply dropped to laughing at his knees,
When pockets, they were empty, for he'd lost his blasted keys!

>>> more inversion thingies ....but I found this stanza pretty funny and convincing!

She rolled around the parking lot, hysterical it seemed,
Her eyes cajoling as she grinned at such a woeful scene!

>>> really not sure about "cajoling" - to persuade with flattery ..to coax???  "coquettish" maybe?

Insulted now, he asked her why she laughed at him like this,
She blurted out "All this tonight! For just one little kiss???"
"The next time when you feel the urge", she laughed and shook her head,
"Don't try so hard ... impress me not ... try Lover's Lane instead!"

>>> all ok till the very last line which comes off awkward .... I keep wanting to read "to impress me" instead of "impress me not" which of course wrecks the meter. but impress me not doesn't seem to make much sense!  and sense is one thing that is pretty vital in the punch line ....no?

ok Kit ..I've done my worst with this ....lol.... It was a fun read despite my nitpicking on the technical aspects of the piece - thanks for making me think...          

philip

PS it occurs to me that you may think i don't know what a "loon" is .... we call them "divers" over here as in Red Throated Diver (Gavia stellata) or Great Northern Diver - it's just that i've never heard them "whispering" ... and "whisperED" sounds even stranger ....lol... just thought i'd explain .....lol

i'll shut up now...

p



[This message has been edited by Poertree (edited 10-19-2000).]

kid D
Member
since 2000-10-18
Posts 64

5 posted 2000-10-19 02:25 PM


ok, lol, this had meter and rhyme...boy am i glad i waited till after poertree to comment, i had been thinking about this but didn't know how to tackle it....how about I just pile on top of poertree and say good job but just tighten it up a little lol...no? not good enough....well can i still pile on top of poertree...lol...no? not that either....hmmmmm looks like i am forced to find something critique like to say here.....
ok, here goes, I don't know meter from salad dressing, but this made me smile, I did stumble a bit in the reading, so after reading pt's comments I understand why, guess that's why i write freestyle   would never attempt a metered poem....nice work kit  

Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA
6 posted 2000-10-19 02:29 PM


WOW Philip, I'm impressed. But I often find myself impressed by your writing as well as your critiques.

Seriously Kit, I really enjoyed this one. It told a great story and was generally very well written.

With that said, I also have to agree with Philip on almost every point he made. (He really is good at this, you know.) I had a particular problem with the grammar issues, missing articles and prepositions, etc.

The good news is that nearly every problem he pointed out should be relatively easy to fix. Most of it just requires a minor rewording and most of those words are not particularly necessary to the story line. Embark may be a little more difficult to resolve as it involves a rhyme, although not a very strong one. You may need to change both words. But again, that shouldn't be too difficult for you.

Well now you have two responses although they seem to be of just one opinion. And BTW, you needn't worry, we try to never "be gentle."

Thanks,
Pete

Brad
Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea
7 posted 2000-10-19 08:41 PM


What was that word again?

right heart
ritehart -- isn't that a Mel Gibson movie?
lie hard -- isn't that a Bruce Willis movie?
llllllightlart
lightwort

Whatever.

Actually, I think more l--, more comic pieces would be nice to see. People seem afraid to humorous stuff because poetry is supposed to be so serious "Milton as opposed to Shakespeare, I guess-- it's supposed to be fun too.

Give us more, more,
Brad

Kit McCallum
Administrator
Member Laureate
since 2000-04-30
Posts 14774
Ontario, Canada
8 posted 2000-10-19 10:02 PM


HEY ... I love you guys! Once I got past the terror of clicking on my post to actually READ the responses ... this was relatively painless, LOL!  

~Philip: You deserve a medal for getting all the way through this one. Thank you so much for taking the time to review this in full, and in so much detail ... I really appreciate it (and I hope you had a wonderful Anniversary).

You've made excellent points throughout, and you're right ... I do drop a few words I likely shouldn't in favour of preserving the meter (a quick fix where I should really just take a little more time and thought). I'll need to stop talking in tongues (or at least Lancastrian accent).  

LOL on the "whispered loon" part!  I was going for a "really sappy" beginning before trying to add some humour, and I probably went a tad (a lot) too far. Now that I'm reading it through your eyes, I'm not sure what the heck a whispered loon is either! I'll have to think that one over a bit more.

>>> would a little splash really do that!!  maybe just a little ott...no?
When the water's that cold … yup! LOL! Guess I didn't say that though till a few lines later, hmmmm, you're making me think!

>>>embark :  I agree on the embark portion too Philip … a little too much trying to make it fit, yet not used in the right context here. (you've got a good eye!)  

>>>"He stops her now..." ...... he stops the mother bear !!!???
Nooooo, his lady love, ooops, I don't want to stop a bear, let her (the bear) keep going, ack ... I'll see if I can fix that!

>>> "the skunk had met it's mark" ....sounds a little too much like "met his match" which is much the opposite meaning to that which you wanted?
Actually, I did mean "met it's mark" … like a bullseye? Maybe wrong term?

>>> "lumbered" ..hummm ..think you can do better than that ... shades of the bear in the stanza
Yup … I agree.

>>>punchline... Not sure how I can fix that one, I'll have to play with it a bit.

I'm going to review each comment in detail and see if I can make some amendments when I get a chance.  If I do, would I just re-post the amended version in this thread here to get your opinion? I'm not sure how that part works. Thanks so much for all your efforts Philip, you really broke it down, and gave me a LOT to think about, and ya know … it didn't hurt a bit!  

~KidD:  Thanks so much for your comments. I had to laugh at "piling on top", but I will try to tighten it up a bit. I'm glad you enjoyed the read though!  

~Pete:  Thank you for these encouraging words. I agree too, I can see where I can clean it up a bit by not skipping a few of my articles and prepositions (lol, I can hear my old English teacher cringing now that I look at it that way). And thanks for not being "gentle" … you guys are great!  

~Brad: ROFL … That's   l-i-g-h-t-h-e-a-r-t-e-d.  Believe me, I'm sad and serious waaayyyy too often, it's soothing to do a fun piece now and again! Thanks Brad!  

PHEW! Well, I guess I made it through my trial by fire, with very few major burns. Your advertising certainly worked to pull me in, but it's your caring, knowledgeable and thought-provoking responses that will keep me coming back. Thanks again!

Much appreciation to all,
/Kit


[This message has been edited by Kit McCallum (edited 10-19-2000).]

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