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Brad
Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

0 posted 2000-09-18 11:52 PM


1.
I walk over rocks
And slip on moss; the river
Roars, a stone nudges.

2.

Dragonflies in flight
From the stream; children searching
For drinking water.

3.

Spectators have stopped
Today to see magic tricks
Magicians forgot.



© Copyright 2000 Brad - All Rights Reserved
Marq
Member
since 1999-10-18
Posts 222

1 posted 2000-09-19 07:48 PM


The more I read haikus the more difficult I think it is to write them.  My favorite of these is the first.  The second is well-constructed in the sense you avoid unneccesary 'filler' syllables and articles of speech, but it's not as interesting as the first.  The third I think you should have left unposted.  Be looking forward to your next three.
Brad
Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea
2 posted 2000-09-19 08:24 PM


I agree. Like many simple forms, they look easy but tough to get 'right'.

I laughed at your comment on the third one. Ironically, it's about writing.      

Brad

Stephanos
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 2000-07-31
Posts 3618
Statesboro, GA, USA
3 posted 2000-09-19 10:03 PM


I think I also agree that the first one is the best of the three.  Though I am just learning about Haiku, it seems from intuitive feeling that your first one is a prime example of what a Haiku is supposed to "do" with the reader.  Does that make sense?

I especially liked the contrast at the end where the river roars ...then like a whisper a stone nudges.  

This one actually put me right inside the imagry of walking along the stoney banks of a rushing river, the greens, the grays, the smells, the slip of wet boots all rushed in on me.  I guess I now get what you are saying about haiku... let the reader paint the picture, just supply the paint (and that paint has to be just right!)

I look forward to reading more of yours sometime.  And maybe I will venture to try more.

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