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The Garden
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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The Garden |
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allan Senior Member
since 2000-04-09
Posts 620On the road 
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In each heart is a door which in childhood is well oiled, finely fashioned sunlit by day, sweetly shadowed by night the path to the door is clear and bright that in childhood is open wide As years flow on the wood stained by time is blocked by ivys all around that hide the shining light and the path less travelled lies hidden weed covered Once in a time you find your way by accident of dream you find a crack where light still shines through which you creep and find within A Garden All time there within its walls is changed and all paths blur going who knows where only a mind's eye takes you there where the light shines in mystic rhythms of sleep Dreamy shadows cross perfect lawns where you played unknown at dawn and objects stand in perfect form reflecting thoughts, or dreams that were Here worlds within worlds live, grow and die unseen dark secrets played out in convoluted labyrinths of mysterious purpose that echo in our dreams shown only by the smiles of unrevealed passions below minds light that are to us only symbols of what was, a lighthouse, a sunset, twin stars in endless night Tall conifers too deep green and unfathomable dark whisper in the aeolian wind merging at senses end with sounds of panpipes at the edge of time Wandering through deep grasses we are caressed by the bliss of forgetting, in mazes of emotion lost crying tears of joy and pain at the dying of the light And in the distance the turqouise days of far off summers glint from rock pools on an endless coast gazing at the far horizon God's brow, unfurrowed Sensing a reflection at the corner of mind's eye a flicker of presence that sparkles eternal you stop and hear of who you are or were or hoped for In the days of youth or in lost adulthood or in dreams eternal or at the moment of death beckoning beyond the here stands the door in your heart to there it stands open again awakening the lost longing for the garden The inner voice calls to the ancient green place where wandering you feel to be dreaming and believing all is new so far is childhood gone and remembrance faded Through the ancient park and the thousand paths in reverie walking you find the high plateau where the sundial waits beside a peaceful pool Peering through a maze of dreams at reflections drifting seeing lost moments of lifes passing sunshine and clouds and sunrising the life you spent is leaving and the pool is peaceful once more And grasping God's sleeve for anchor then you glide through the pool to a deeper dream and swim then for an unseen shore [This message has been edited by allan (edited 09-10-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 Allan Tierney - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
I tried very very hard to find something about this to change, edit or correct, and all I could come up with is the word "turquoise"... otherwise, it drew me in, up, enveloped me and I sincerely appreciated every line and every word... Thank you! |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
This was lovely...well-crafted and so full of beautiful imagery. I have no advice or suggestions...I was pulled in from the start. I am one who believes that we should leave that door partially open, for the child within us allows us to experience more of the joys of life. As for the other section, I could feel the serenity, and see the gardens...I hope you're right. Kris "Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former." ~ Albert Einstein |
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hawkat New Member
since 2000-09-09
Posts 7 |
What a beautiful poem and such fantastic imagery.Indeed I have to say it is the best I have read in recent times.I am very much a believer that there are large sections of our minds that are only accessible in sleep and altered states of consciousness and that these parts are a lot more pleasant to inhabit than reality-or maybe they are the reality.Wonderful and thankyou for the privilege of reading.Absolutely nothing to change. |
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allan Senior Member
since 2000-04-09
Posts 620On the road |
Hello and thank you to you all. I am quite taken aback that there are no alterations forseen (apart from Turquoise)  The influences behind this (to repeat myself from Open) were the very common near death experience of a beautiful garden, a couple of books I read in my teens called 'Phantastes' and 'Lilith' by George MacDonald, John Fowles 'The Magus' (a big favourite of mine) and the computer game 'Myst' Thank you again for taking a look and for your more than kind comments! (I'm sure there MUST be some alterations needed though, no...? I really am taken aback at that...) |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
For a poem that shoots for intimacy and interiority, why am I so struck by the distance of the tone. It's far too long (probably think you could drop the whole door section and probably the innocent children routine as well). Instead of explaining so much (mind, soul, inside, cracks), show us the garden as it is (where are the bugs by the way). You have some nice lines here and there but I think you're trying to be a little to 'poetic' here rather than writing a poem. Just an opinion, Brad |
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allan Senior Member
since 2000-04-09
Posts 620On the road |
Well Brad thanks, I certainly asked for and got it! I can see I'd be left with a garden after I'd made your amendments but it wasn't what I was reaching for. (Even though I hadn't a clear concept in my mind [perhaps the problem!] I went with my feelings. I know if it was a real garden it would have "negatives" such as bugs but it wasn't a real garden I was describing. I agree with some of your points, your tone does rankle a bit I must admit ("innocent children routine"). I agree however that it is too long. Thanks for taking the time to look it over and giving your opinion. You have to take the rough with the smooth here in Critical Analysis I know... All points duely noted....  Thanks, Allan |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I wasn't intending to rankle of course. I didn't even think about it really. You've got a poem here that will some will love for its 'beauty' and others will damn for exactly the same thing. I tend to side with the damning group because I believe adamantly that a poem should create some type of dramatic tension. I believe in complexity even in poems so dedicated to fantasy as this one. I think it makes for a more satisfying aesthetic experience. Just an opinion, Brad |
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allan Senior Member
since 2000-04-09
Posts 620On the road |
I understand Brad, thanks. I think I am rather stuck with my way of creating which is in a somewhat non-cerebral manner. I tend to steer clear of Critical Analysis for this reason, knowing that allowing as free a flow as possible of mental images and the production of a tightly written poem don't mix well together. I agree about the dramatic tension btw. We went to an open air poetry reading here in Vienna yesterday and the lack or presence of this tension was pivotal to the enjoyment of the poems... |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
You make an interesting point about free flow and 'tightness'. In an interview, John Ashbery encourages writers to work from line to line without an overall thematic schema to follow. This creates, in his words, the potential for something new to be created through word association and whatnot rather than letting the theme dicate the word choice. I wonder if this allows or could allow a kind of renegotiation of the problems you mentioned. Just an idea, Brad |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Allan, I just wanted to point out that even here in CA we have those who will love this poem for its beauty and those who will damn it, for the same reason (as mentioned above). So don't let that keep you away Pete [This message has been edited by Not A Poet (edited 09-18-2000).] |
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allan Senior Member
since 2000-04-09
Posts 620On the road |
Brad, I've been reading and re-reading your last post and I realise the problem is an obstinate one. A few years ago after a couple of years of unemployment and daily soft drug use I realised that something had altered in my head. It had become extremely resistant to analytic thought and had moved mightily over to the almost purely visual. Reading became quite excrutiating, especially if it was business-oriented or logic-based. I have written pieces that I did go through line by line but I find I can start feel quite heavy and lose the "feeling" or "image patterm" of what I wanted to convey. The way most of what I do comes out is through a process of actively trying to holding back logic so it's rather a painful process to go and take a hammer and chisel to these pink mists, so to speak... Nevertheless (and to stop drifting) I'll re-read again and let transfer what will ... Thank you.. |
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allan Senior Member
since 2000-04-09
Posts 620On the road |
Pete, Thanks very much for your words. Okay, I'll be back sometime, on one of these full moons maybe!  |
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lotharingia Senior Member
since 2000-06-04
Posts 897saarbruecken, Germany |
allan, I agree that the poem is a tad too long, but I also think that you should keep your poetry flowing like you do. Some people prefer an intellectual approach, and there's nothing wrong with that, but it is not the ONLY way to write! There is a lot of life in your poetry, and wouldn't it be oh-so-tedious if everyone wrote the same way! Lotharingia "Dreams are life, reality, creation" Miguel de Unanumo |
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allan Senior Member
since 2000-04-09
Posts 620On the road |
Thanks Uta! |
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