»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #1
»
The Age Remembered
| Critical Analysis #1 |
|
The Age Remembered |
|
|
SouthernSiren Junior Member
since 2000-09-14
Posts 16 |
Old eyes; worn, weathered, wrinkled at the edge, Look beyond the window towards the meadows flowered beds. Small, weak legs, rock in the early daybreak light The wooden chair creaking heavily morning, noon, and night. A bit of cloth held too tight; feeble fingers work to let go, A remembrance of a tiny babe, the blanket fringed and old. Gray hair, soft, thinning, barely held in place Moved by the calming wind, tranquility forms her face. Alone this morning, sitting in the sun She barely hears the sharp chords until their almost done. A Robin and her love, play against the sky. A lone tear swells and falls, the gathered lines it lies. Look beyond the window and see what she can see Children playing by the stream, knowing each will leave. A part of her in each of them, a semblance of her love, To take in turn and put in part, forever with her above. She gave to them, her life, her heart, in all of its abundance To see the beauty, the little faces, the pleasure of affluence. Old blue eyes; worn, weathered, wrinkled at the edge, See her life before her, complete when all is said. Rocking slightly, birds singing, heart to slow its pace, Does she know the deep devotion, her children made to lace? Can she feel the love of which that anchored us to her? To feel the arms of all and one, the hearts most aching cure. She lived her life to make for others To create grace and gentility; the hope for such a Mother. Small, weak legs, rock in the afternoon light, Soon for her, it will be done, her Father’s near in sight. Laughter playing at her ears, quiet shadows near her door, Her children’s faces pass her by, their happiness make up her core. Sparkling noises, feathered wisps, a small hand across her cheek Seasoned lips open slightly, a grin spreads; the expression soft and meek. Alone she sits, tries to remember, fulfillment that’s been fed. Old blue eyes; worn, weathered, wrinkled at the edge, Drift downward, softly close, the rocking chair her bed. Alone no longer, thought of more, she drifts upon the wind To take the hand that’s held for her, the night’s in earnest lend. Small, weak legs, rock no more, the ending of her day, For eternity she will make the dance, the clouds her footfall’s stay. [This message has been edited by SouthernSiren (edited 09-14-2000).] |
||
| © Copyright 2000 SouthernSiren - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Some of your images here are quite well done but I think you get bogged down in the rhyme; I found the reading a bit tedious. Also, you might consider more detailed memories rather than vague feelings of those memories - this should allow you more active verbs which will pick up the pace a bit. Watch the melodrama for such a outwardly passive scene. Just an opinion, Brad |
||
|
SouthernSiren Junior Member
since 2000-09-14
Posts 16 |
Thank you Brad very much for your comments. As someone who is just testing the waters of her writing, I very much appreciate any and all opinions on what I could possibly make for better reading. Again, thank you, Jen |
||
|
Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
hi jen! i agree, some of these images are great,especially your first line  but, it wasnt the rhyme that felt so sticky, when i read it, it was, for me at least the lack of flow. you create in the first few lines a sense of a meterical scheme, a set rhythm. and while im certainly not suggesting you make this a poem with strict meter, there should be some concern as to how the words mesh together. even free verse poems have rhythm to them, even if its not a specific meter. so my suggestion is to smooth in places, or if you prefer a more staccato sound,roughen some of the edges. but whichever way you choose, try to be more consistent in the whole poem. that would make it leaps easier to read luv Elyse |
||
|
SouthernSiren Junior Member
since 2000-09-14
Posts 16 |
Elyse, Thank you so much for taking the time to read it, and I appreciate your comments very much. I am working on a revision and I hope I can create something new and work out all the catches. While it may be a pinch of a hurt to hear what I can change to make the piece flow better, there is -always- room for improvement and since I have just started writing, I know I have so much to learn. I take what has been said and I am trying to use it to the best of my ability. I believe I just may write something one day that will be grand in all aspects.  At least this is my hope.So again, all comments are welcome and they come to me kindly so that I don't feel totally rejected and that I am just wasting my time. Thank you so much for taking the time to read! Take care, Jen |
||
|
Marq Member
since 1999-10-18
Posts 222 |
I like this! Beautiful and well written. |
||
|
SouthernSiren Junior Member
since 2000-09-14
Posts 16 |
Marq, Thank you so much for reading! I am glad you enjoyed it and I appreciate your comments. I am currently working on a revision though.. Take care, Jen |
||
Stephanos
since 2000-07-31
Posts 3618Statesboro, GA, USA |
First I'd like to say this is a good poem. It was enjoyable to read and very personal with it's content. There is one suggestion which I will make. I once read that it is better to use "off rhymes" than "near rhymes" at the end of lines. near rhymes actually rhyme closer than off rhymes but they tend to appear unintentional or accidental. An example of a near rhyme is the last couplet of your first stanza: A Robin and her love, play against the sky. A lone tear swells and falls, the gathered lines it lies. Notice sky and lies almost rhyme, but because they are ever so slightly off , it appears accidental. An example of an off rhyme is the very first couplet of your poem: Old eyes; worn, weathered, wrinkled at the edge, Look beyond the window towards the meadows flowered beds. edge and beds are different enough to appear intentional, and yet the assonance of the "e" sound keep them pleasing to the ear. I read this suggestion when I myself was using a lot of near rhymes in my poetry, after reading that, I never read my poetry the same. I didn't really see it then, but now I see it and I agree that near rhymes are distractions. This is my only suggestion for now. Otherwise I want to encourage you in your writing, you have a lot of "poetential" in my opinion. [This message has been edited by Stephanos (edited 09-17-2000).] |
||
|
SouthernSiren Junior Member
since 2000-09-14
Posts 16 |
Stephanos, Thank you for reading and thank you for your comments. It would seem that I have no notion of "near" and "off". But I am glad you pointed that out to me and I can use that in my future writings. Someone had once said something to me about forcing the rhyme; I need to pay particular attention to that when I write. I appreciate your kindliness. Take care, Jen |
||
|
Stephanos
since 2000-07-31
Posts 3618Statesboro, GA, USA |
Oh by the way, I forgot to mention a common way to identify "near" rhymes which all poems should generally avoid (though they might be okay in some comic poetry). They usually are absolutely legitimate rhymes except for an "s" or "ed". like moan and phones. (cringe!) while moan and phone rhyme beautifully. If you went with moan and rain, that would be an off rhyme which is actually better. They are less obtrusive and seem planned somehow... which helps the reader to forgive the fact that they don't really rhyme. The reader unconsciously understands that you weren't really trying to rhyme them. In a near rhyme the reader is not dumb and knows that you were shooting for a bonafide rhyme but missed ever so slightly (but alas ever so obviously!). I hope that helps you as it did me. Look forward to reading more of your poems. |
||
|
SouthernSiren Junior Member
since 2000-09-14
Posts 16 |
Stephanos, Yes, your comments I have stored away for future use. And I am so glad you pointed out to me what should have been obvious.. Actually when I sit down and write something, it all comes out so fast that I don't really take the time to consider my rhymes or lack of rhymes. This sounds rather fanciful I know, so thanks again for the advice. Take care, Jen |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
