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Critical Analysis #1
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Storm, revised, again
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Storm, revised, again |
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Wesley the Blue Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 426Forest Lake, MN, USA |
Here it is one more time, hope you arnt getting tired of it poping up again, and again, and again..... Well, Im interested in what everybody thinks. Across the watery blue expanse I gaze At far distant shores All shrouded in misty haze Wonder what the future has in store Storms are raging deep inside With cataclysmic force, they destroy Can’t be running, no where to hide Tossed like a kid’s favorite toy <-"suggestions??? Im stumped as to how to make it better." That water is bitter cold Like the tears running down my face These feelings sit and mold In my darkened, secret place Like a bird whose wings have been plucked I try to keep aloft in the air of existence But right to the ground I get sucked Victim of life’s insistence Here I am imprisoned But not against my will More painful than we envisioned Feeling the love that we share still I struggle towards my goal Tempest contained within The thunder pains role My love lies "Dort Hin" <--Away, or out there Forced to travel the muddy ground I crawl my way on Tethered but forward bound Hope for me is not yet gone I know that somewhere Across this infernal inland see She lies awake and dreams me near As it is the way with me I creep through the fields of time Each step that brings me closer A wisecrack or cynic rhyme Agitation inside, wilder Patience is the key Remember the times we’ve had Looking to what might yet be Trying not to be so sad Hand over fist I climb Up the cliffs of forever Covered in dirt and grime I will give up never She beckons in the distance Lends me the strength to fight Encouraging my persistence As I struggle with all my might She reaches out and pulls me in Strong shelter from the rain Warms me with her supple skin And takes away the pain I awake within her folds The storm just a nightmare Light all the future holds Life’s joys without care A brief stay in paradise Then I must go away The time we had was more than nice Ill return another day I know the last stanza is weak, and Ill work on that later, but Id like to know what you think about the rest of it. |
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| © Copyright 2000 Keith W. Mullin - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
I'm kinda pressed for time right now and I'll be back to this piece and give a more indepth critique but just wanted to offer a suggestion. "Storms are raging deep inside With cataclysmic force, they destroy Can’t be running, no where to hide Tossed like a kid’s favorite toy" "Tossed like a child's unwanted toy" Shows more harsh feelings than favorite....dunno just a suggestion. Gotta run, Trevor |
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Wesley the Blue Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 426Forest Lake, MN, USA |
Thanks Trevor, I am looking forward to a more in depth critique. I am also interested in what others think. So please reply. |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Keith: I think the revision is an improvement over the original but I think this version still has many of the same problems I recall of the first. You use colorful illustrations but you don't seem to tack those colorful images to specific events in the narrator's life. The first stanza has some fine descriptive language (the tautology of "far" and "distant" was a little grating but, otherwise, I thought it read well). My take on the first stanza: you cannot tell what the future holds for you (assuming you are the narrator). The second stanza describes anxiety ... I assume anxiety brought on by the unknown of stanza no. 1 ... but the child's toy seems out of place. Perhaps like a piece of driftwood, a discarded bottle, a small raft in the squall, etc. The uncertainty and anxiety bring on feelings of grief and despair in the third stanza and that brings on the feelings of paralysis in stanza no. four. Stanza five gives a little more information with the "I am a prisoner by choice" idea but even now, twenty lines into the poem, I have little or no picture of your specific circumstance. I'm still not crazy about "Dort Hin" in stanza six but, with your definition, I have a better idea that the poem is concerning separation from a loved one. Stanza seven describes your struggle and eight introduces an element of hope to the picture. The remaining stanzas continue along pretty much the same path as the previous lines. You use embellished language to attempt to describe feelings but you don't give the reader more than a general look into your, specific situation. For me, this approach is somewhat less than satisfying. My suggestions would be to be more specific. Give the reader a reason to want to empathize with the narrator. Allusions and metaphors have more power, in my opinion, if there is something (in real terms) to tie it to. Just an opinion. Jim |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hello again, Sorry I've taken so long to come back to this one but I'm occasionally a man of my word so here goes, excuse my briefness in the way I'll be commenting but its quite a long poem: "Across the watery blue expanse I gaze At far distant shores All shrouded in misty haze Wonder what the future has in store" "watery blue" isn't very descriptive for describing something as incredible as an ocean or sea. "distant shores", "misty blue", "future has in store" are all cliched. Plus could you really "gaze" across an expansive body of water at distant shores through misty blue, I know its an analogy but with the current wording it makes no sense to me. Consider something like this if you plan on keeping the wording and this is just an example and not to be taken literally, "Across the watery blue expanse I gaze for far distant shores shrouded behind a misty haze Wondering what the future has in store" "Storms are raging deep inside With cataclysmic force, they destroy Can’t be running, no where to hide Tossed like a kid’s favorite toy" The first line is very cliched. I really like the idea behind the last line, like a toy being tossed around helpless but perhaps rewording to show complete anger or disregard..."Tossed like a child's forgotten toy", "Tossed aside like spoiled toy", "Tossed like toys of a spoiled boy". I dunno just some ideas. Also comma in line two seemed unnecessary. "That water is bitter cold Like the tears running down my face These feelings sit and mold In my darkened, secret place" The second line sits on a throne in the land of cliches...(sorry didn't want to become cliched by saying its cliched  ) I like the last two lines, the comma added a good sense of gloom."Like a bird whose wings have been plucked I try to keep aloft in the air of existence But right to the ground I get sucked Victim of life’s insistence" Not bad stanza though "sucked" seemed out of place. "Here I am imprisoned But not against my will More painful than we envisioned Feeling the love that we share still" The meter is way off in this stanza, comes out very clunky in the last two lines. Here's my version of this stanza with a few word changes, "Not against my will here, I am imprisoned in the love I still feel painful in its revision" Dunno, just a suggestion to help inspire "I struggle towards my goal Tempest contained within The thunder pains role My love lies "Dort Hin"" Third line "pain"...used pain in previous stanza, consider using other words to describe pain rather than pain. Also, even though "Dort Hin" fits the rhyme, consider changing it to English, the use of German doesn't seem to fit or give any extra meaning to the poem. Unless you were trying to say that your love lives in Germany by using German words. "Forced to travel the muddy ground I crawl my way on Tethered but forward bound Hope for me is not yet gone" Meter seemed off. Stanza gave me a melo-dramatic impression. "I know that somewhere Across this infernal inland see She lies awake and dreams me near As it is the way with me" "see" should maybe be "sea", meter seemed a little off in the last line. Liked the idea presented in this stanza. "I creep through the fields of time Each step that brings me closer A wisecrack or cynic rhyme Agitation inside, wilder" This whole stanza could probably be cut without affecting the poem. "Patience is the key Remember the times we’ve had Looking to what might yet be Trying not to be so sad" Seemed to plain and simple a stanza, try to breath some life into it with a few descrips or a little more depth. "Hand over fist I climb Up the cliffs of forever Covered in dirt and grime I will give up never" This whole stanza seemed a little forced. "She beckons in the distance Lends me the strength to fight Encouraging my persistence As I struggle with all my might" Last line "all my might" is cliched and though I like the idea of the stanza I think it needs more color. "She reaches out and pulls me in Strong shelter from the rain Warms me with her supple skin And takes away the pain" Fairly decent stanza. Kinda plain but I liked it. "I awake within her folds The storm just a nightmare Light all the future holds Life’s joys without care" This stanza's meter seemed really awkward. "A brief stay in paradise Then I must go away The time we had was more than nice Ill return another day" Again the meter seemed way off, also you should really consider doing something with the "nice" line. I like some of the ideas within the poem but I thought it to be a little too cliched throughout and not descriptive enough. Consider trying free verse or expanding on the line lenghts for a rhyming scheme, even consider changing the rhyming scheme throughout, for example, quick lines for adding extra atmosphere for the intense parts and longer lines for the calm areas. Thanks for the read, take care, Trevor |
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