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Critical Analysis #1
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Patience
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Patience |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
If only you knew the patience it takes to sit idly upon a chair and wait like a hunter in a tree or a fish for bait wait, waiting, for a perhaps of a chance that you may sit beside and a mistake slide of a shaved leg may, perhaps, if I wait long enough, gleen across mine like an accidental find for reasons to thank you, silently and stay to patiently wait for your next mistake. |
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| © Copyright 2000 Trevor Davis - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Wesley the Blue Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 426Forest Lake, MN, USA |
I liked it, it flowed nicely even though there was no real line structrure. The only suggestion that I have is in the second stanze (if you can call them stanzas.) "like a hunter in a tree or a fish for bait" I would suggest changing the second line to something like "or a fish to take the bait" cuz Im assuming the poor little fishies arnt waiting for the bait to be thrown to them so that they can get caught. Anyway, thats just my opinion. Thanks for the good read. |
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mysticharm Member
since 2000-06-08
Posts 189Canada |
hi trevor "like a hunter in a tree or a fish for bait" ...agree with der keit on this one "or a fish to take bait" unless your using the fish for bait lol "if I wait long enough, gleen across mine" ...is the word "gleen" the word you meant to put here? ...the two last lines in the stanza mean to me this person has already made a mistake, is the person that's doing all the waiting a secret admirer or some sort of fatal attraction?  debbie debbie Think of saying "I Love You" as always being overdue. Love is a gift, not an obligation. unknown |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Hi Trev, Are you waiting for replies? So you're a leg man like Bradley, huh? I liked the phrases, and you painted a fairly good picture of a secret crush or something similar. I do agree with the aforementioned suggestions, however. Gleen is spelled "glean", and does not quite fit here. You could glean the emotions or feelings left after the raking of the leg across yours, I suppose. Hope I helped a bit. Kris the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
hi trevor! i liked this one. i thought it was cute and other than the fish thing that's already been mentioned, i thought it all worked well (even gleen, although, it is spelled wrong) thanx for the read! luv Elyse |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Why is this a poem? Here we have one long sentence, difficult to follow in parts, yet as Der Keit says “it flowed nicely”. DK also however says “there was no real line structure”. On the face of it this is true - but it’s worth examining part of the why this works as a poem i think. Read aloud the first thing that strikes me is the extraordinarily amount of rhyme, consonance and assonance. Working through the piece: takes with wait idly with tree bait with wait perhaps with chance beside with slide mistake with shaved with may with wait glean with reasons mine with find to with you silently with stay with patiently with wait with mistake in fact the last 8 lines of the poem exhibit a series of what are virtually rhyming couplets! But there’s more: “Hidden” in the piece are several examples of iambic stress patterns and a small amount of rearrangement reveals something that is pretty close to iambic pentameter. Certainly the final lines: “To patiently wait for your next mistake” ..is virtually a line of blank verse and “An accidental find for reasons to” .... is similar and “That you may sit beside and a mistake slide” .... one extra beat but close and “The patience it takes to sit idly upon a chair and wait” .. this is not regular but heralds what is to come somewhat... Interesting all of the above lines with the exception of the second have clear internal rhyme as well ... hardly surprising then that the poem “flows” in a familiar way. Two small points Trev - i sort of agree with DK about the fish line. Second I found the line “for reasons to” somewhat “disconnected”, at first i couldn’t see how it related to the remainder of the sentence, but came to the conclusion it refers bake to the “wait, waiting,”, ie “wait, waiting, for a perhaps of a chance ........................for reason to” ... is that right? (Jim and brad will have deduced that i just finished Pinsky’s book  )Thanks trev philip |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hello, Der Keit: "I would suggest changing the second line to something like "or a fish to take the bait" cuz Im assuming the poor little fishies arnt waiting for the bait to be thrown to them so that they can get caught." In that stanza I was trying to depict the speaker as someone who is both the hunter and the hunted, but willingly hunted .... trying to foreshadow a bit. But I think you are right about that line might not really work, originally it was "like a hunter in a tree/ or a fisherman's bait", thanks for pointing that out and taking the time to read and comment.Debbie: Yeah "gleen" was intentional though its been brought to my attention that its spelled "glean". Now I'm wondering if that word works, wanted to show an action as well as a meaning with my use of "glean". Wanted to say that her leg rubbed against his and told him that maybe it wasn't as "accidental" as he thought. "the two last lines in the stanza mean to me this person has already made a mistake, is the person that's doing all the waiting a secret admirer or some sort of fatal attraction?" Yes the speaker is a secret admirer of a woman sitting next to him who keeps accidentally (but I tried to create the feel that maybe it isn't such an accident after all) rubbing her leg against his. thanks for commenting Debbie Kris: How are you? Haven't seen you around lately. "Are you waiting for replies?" I'm always waiting for replies but actually haven't had time this weekend to reply, one of my co-workers decided to ride his bike into a telephone pole and knock himself out soooo lucky me got to pick up all his shifts and lose his days off."So you're a leg man like Bradley, huh?" My preference varies from woman to woman, every one has that special part that stands out....but if I had to choose a meal from Kentucky Fried Chicken, I'd prefer the breast to the drumstick Thanks for the typo correction with glean, also mentioned my intentions of its use in my reply to Debbie, but have to kinda agree with you that maybe it doesn't fit. Thanks for your comments Kris Elyse: Thanks for taking the time to comment...guess you're the only one who liked the glean thingy Don't even think I like it anymore Philip: The original version did have a better visual line structure to it but I'd thought it might be more a more interesting read if broken up and perhaps suited the story better this way. "Second I found the line “for reasons to” somewhat “disconnected”, at first i couldn’t see how it related to the remainder of the sentence, but came to the conclusion it refers bake to the “wait, waiting,”, ie" "like an accidental find for reasons to thank you," (for rubbing your leg against mine though I'm beginning to think that it's not as unintentional as I first thought....tried to have this with my glean line connect with the like a hunter in a tree or a fish for bait lines to give a picture of perhaps its not just a one sided adoration but more mutual....don't know how effective I was but that was what I was trying for )Thanks again Philip for your comments, as always the time and effort you spend sorting through poetry is admirable. Take care, Trevor |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Trevor, Mind if I edit this a bit: the patience to sit on a chair and wait like a hunter in a tree or a fish for bait wait, waiting, that you may sit beside, a mistake slide of a shaved leg gleen across mine and then wait for your next mistake. Just seeing what would happen. What do you think? Brad |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hello Brad, Sorry I've taken so long to get back to your critique, I have a lot of excuses of why but I'll save you the stories. I like your version, chops away a lot of unnecessary wording and holds a lot of the meaning, however, I think it loses the little bit of "maybe her actions aren't a mistake" undertow I might have squeezed in there, I think, or at least I hope, that some of the overwording adds a sense of uncertainty, that the speaker is wondering as to how much of the woman's actions are a mistake. But as always such ideas gives me ideas of possible revisions so thanks again Brad, Trevor |
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