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Storm (revision)
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Storm (revision) |
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Wesley the Blue Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 426Forest Lake, MN, USA |
Alright, here is the first revision. Note, in the forth line of the fourth stanza, I use the words "Dort Hin." They are german for "our there, or away." Advice on ways to improve it are appreciated. Storms are raging deep inside With cataclysmic force, they destroy Cant be running, no where to hide Tossed like a kids favorite toy Like a bird whose wings have been plucked I try to keep aloft in the air of existence But right to the ground I get sucked Victim of life’s insistence Forced to travel the muddy ground I crawl my way on Tethered but forward bound I crawl my way on I struggle towards my goal Tempest contained within The thunder pains role My love lies Dort Hin I creep through the fields of time Each step that brings me closer A wisecrack or cynic rhyme Agitation inside getting wilder Hand over fist I climb Up the cliffs of forever Covered in dirt and grime I will give up never She beckons in the distance Lends me the strength to fight Gives me the resistance To which I hold on tight She pulls me in Shelter from the rain Warms me with her skin Takes away the pain I awake within her folds The storm just a nightmare Light all the future holds Life’s joys without care |
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| © Copyright 2000 Keith W. Mullin - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Janie Member
since 2000-08-13
Posts 158 |
Der Keit, I read your first draft, though didn't comment as there were numerous suggestions, but even as I read this re-write I still have a few observations that haven't been mentioned. Overall, I think it's good. I just have a few "minor" errors that have been repeated in this re-write. (1.This verse needed apostrophes with the words "can't" and "kid's.") Storms are raging deep inside With cataclysmic force, they destroy Can't be running, no where to hide Tossed like a kid's favorite toy (2. I think closer/wilder is a little "weak" as a rhyme) I creep through the fields of time Each step that brings me closer A wisecrack or cynic rhyme Agitation inside getting wilder (3.I don't have a prob with "climb"/"grime"; it rhymes when I say it. Does anyone have a rhyming dictionary to ck this one out?... I've become a little muddled during this critique and have had to check this rhyming stuff out. According to The Poet's Handbook, true rhyme is: one in which the first sounds of the last stressed syllables of the rhyming words are different and ALL subsequent sounds are the same...but then when considering monosyllabic, disyllabic, trisyllabic I guess the possibilities are endless and as I myself am trying to improve my rhyming technique, I'll leave yours alone until have better advise to give about such rhyme schemes) Hand over fist I climb Up the cliffs of forever Covered in dirt and grime I will give up never Janie |
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mysticharm Member
since 2000-06-08
Posts 189Canada |
hi der keit ...this is only my opinion, it seems a tad intense to me, the man in the poem seems to be dug in too deep for his survival to depend on just one person, if it was loosened up a bit, not so dramatic, it might come across stronger  ...i like the theme, i like where your going with it, from a technical or mechanical point of view I know absolutely nothing LOL but you never know, if you give it a run through it may work debbie debbie Think of saying "I Love You" as always being overdue. Love is a gift, not an obligation. unknown |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Der Keit: There are lot's of images here but no real pictures. What (or who) exactly is the cause of the storm? From what can you not hide? You describe effects very well but I am left with a vague picture of causes. This leaves me with questions like: "Is she really worth it?" or "Is this person over-reacting?" Debbie (mysticharm) raises a good point with her observation of this being a bit on the melodramatic side. You are describing powerful emotions but you haven't given the reader anything to latch onto. This problem is exacerbated by your use of over-stated metaphors (puts the reader on guard and, if not handled properly, tends to be unsatisfying). Foreign language use is also a sticky subject. In this case, it seems as though you are using it to force the rhyme. If I were you, I would go with an English equivalent (or near-equivalent) even if you must settle for a near-rhyme (like "dormant"). In my opinion, it is better to be specific rather than general and to understate rather than overstate. Just an opinion. Habt und guten nacht (PA Dutch, not German, but close). Jim |
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Wesley the Blue Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 426Forest Lake, MN, USA |
First of all, thank you guys for taking the time to read and give me your advice for the poem. Janie, Little technical things like apostrophes are not my strong point, but they will be in the next revision. (if I remember). As for the rhyming, well, if I can come up with something better that fits with what I want to convey, I will put it in, but thanks for pointing them out. Debbie, I dont know what to say except that I will take it under advisement. Im not sure how I can make it less intence, we'll see. Jim, The thought of expansion never realy crossed my mind, but now that you mention it, I can see where it needs it. Hopefully in the next revision the answers to the first two questions will be answered. As for the next two questions, she most certainly is, and probably. The melodramatic issue is, once again, taken under advisement. The foreign language thing has a special meaning to it, I dont expect anybody else to get it, but she will. Guten nacht, Jim, du bist ein freundliches Typ. Thanks again to the three of you for your advice. |
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