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Pearls_Of_Wisdom
Member

since 2000-09-02

Posts 175

0 posted 2000-09-04 01:51 AM

The Image

The image in the mirror said
It should have happened by now
Others who observed the image
Also said that this was so

But the image in the mirror lies,
I cry to the broken glass
I have to turn away from it
Or feel my chance has passed

The tired refrain still remains,
Tattooed on my lips
I speak the words without meaning now,
Now simply out of habit

Does it really matter? I usually ask myself
It will certainly happen someday, and isn't that   enough?
No, it certainly isn't, I angrily reply
The point is the delivery's late and I want a reason   why

But what if there is no reason? a calmer voice asks
Well, there simply must be, and that, as they say,   is that

You are behaving like a little child, the mother   voice puts in
I don't care to hear what you all say,
So why don't you all just go away
And leave me alone here to drown
Don't come back until it's dawn

And drown I will, I tell them
Drown I truly might
I will not calm the currents,
Nor will I try to fight

Fine, they say and walk away
To leave me here alone,
With only my tears as company,
With only my eyes of stone

I walk into the water 'til I am soaked up to my   knees
My trappings still cling to me, but no longer out of   need
Just as I am about to sink, I find the water's warm
And as I raise my head up, I welcome in the dawn.

Pearls_Of_Wisdom
Member

since 2000-09-02

Posts 175

1 posted 2000-09-04 01:56 AM

Okay, everyone. I got such a warm and supportive response from the first poem I posted, so I'm sharing another which I like even better but that is more personal. Let me know what you guys think because even I can interpret this one many different ways, and I wrote it! =)

Pearls

Irish Rose
Member Patricius

since 2000-04-06

Posts 10263

2 posted 2000-09-04 10:05 AM

Hi! Welcome to Passions. This is a warm, supportive group. Now, in a critique forum we ask for criticism-constructive of course. So that's what I'll give!! This is not going to be easy since you said this was "personal" that's a bit hard to critique because it obviously means something to you.

First, the line breaks are all over the place.
The rhyme scheme fails. You have some true rhymes in places and others none at all.
Syntax...what should have "happened" we aren't told.
You speak of water and currents and I'm wondering what this is in relation to a mirror?
Eyes that shed tears I wouldn't think would be described as stone, referring to something cold and dry.
What is the "delivery" you speak of as being late?
I would go for more continuity in the format of this poem, work on the rhyme
and finally, how does the dawn save you from drowning? How does the water become warm?
I think this has some excellent potential but I believe it needs to be worked on and crafted. I enjoyed the mirror theme very much. I was rather lost with all the other voices, and "tattoo" seems totally out of place in this one.
Don't be discouraged, remember this is critique. We all want to improve. Myself included.!!!!!
best to you

Kathleen

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

3 posted 2000-09-05 02:17 PM

Well, I read this and I read Kathleen's critique and it seems that she has said just about everything necessary. The poem seems to ramble a bit too much, the rhyme scheme seems to come and go and the line breaks are irregular. But then she has already said all this.

Maybe you meant it to be this way. If this is to be free verse, IMHO you need to avoid the occasional rhyme and/or near-rhyme. Also, it would probably be helpful to work on the flow, although I don't have a specific example (free verse is not my forte at all).

I did find the middle part, in particular, to have potential, these lines especially.

quote:
Does it really matter? I usually ask myself
It will certainly happen someday, and isn't that   enough?
No, it certainly isn't, I angrily reply
The point is the delivery's late and I want a reason   why

But what if there is no reason? a calmer voice asks
Well, there simply must be, and that, as they say,   is that

. . .

Fine, they say and walk away
To leave me here alone,
With only my tears as company,
With only my eyes of stone

But the wording even in these lines just doesn't quite work.

Try to work on it along the lines Kathleen has suggested or drop the rhymes completely and clean up the wording some and you might have something good here.

Thanks,
Pete

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