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The Mermaid
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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The Mermaid |
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Janie Member
since 2000-08-13
Posts 158 |
The Mermaid Written by Janie Mathis Tepid water, bubbly sea Tidal waves come crashing down Careless slaps disturb the water Little mermaid splash around Draws a sip, little urchin, Sucks the water in her mouth Savage little Neptune’s daughter Happy cries, her frolic’s bout Rising up! Slimy monster Waves her arms from North to South Aboard she climbs a downy cloud Leaves the drowning coast to drought Quickly, rubber duck, swimming, Surfs upon the whirlpool’s drain Rides upon the Tempest’s fury Sudden drops from motion, tame < !signature--> [This message has been edited by Janie (edited 09-02-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 Janie - All Rights Reserved | |||
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JnR4eva Member
since 2000-08-07
Posts 377Bronx, NY |
janie..... this poem is good! i first read it and imagined an actual mermaid...but after a few reads, and a rubber duck, i finally got it LOL  ...wow a lot of symbolism you have here and the imagery is great, i mean, to me i think u did a great job of taking an everyday event (taking a bath in the eyes of a child) and making it into some REALLY good poetry i have but one qualm that i can see...i don't know too much about poetry per se but i did see this image u were trying to convey.... Rides upon the Tempest’s fury for some reason when i think tempest i think storms and bad ones at that too...so to remain true to the symbolism here....i would consider the tempest to be the shower...yet it wasn't a shower that was taken, it was a bath. so i think its that inconsistency which makes me a little bit confused when u say the tempest's fury....but then again it just might be ME???? lol please let me know what ur intentions are for i might be all wrongbut once again lovely poem i enjoyed it a lot much respect "my love is my motivation my love is my inspiration perception of this poem is your interpretation" -- rlt |
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Forrest Cain Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306Chas.,W.V. USA |
Janie very nice mis-direction. I thought it was going to be some exotic Greek Gods flinging stones at each other. Instead just magic and innocence. Nicly done I enjoyed. forrest [This message has been edited by Forrest Cain (edited 09-02-2000).] |
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Janie Member
since 2000-08-13
Posts 158 |
JnR4eva and Eva, Thanks for reading and I'm glad you liked it. JnR4eva, as for the tempest, don't know if it helps you to think of the tempest like this: you know little kids splash around in the water alot (this makes for the coast to be drowning while the tub suffers drought) but after a Very active bath, when the "monster" is removed, the water is still pretty active and swishing around a lot. This is where I'm coming from by using "tempest". Let me know though if you still think it misleading. Janie |
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JnR4eva Member
since 2000-08-07
Posts 377Bronx, NY |
persoanlly janie i think it's just me thinking tooooo literally..when u said tempest, i think storms...but i disregard other facets of a tempest, such as a violent waves and such....so with that said...keep it, it makes much sense  .much respect "my love is my motivation my love is my inspiration perception of this poem is your interpretation" -- rlt |
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Tim Gouldthorp Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 170 |
Janie, Nice image, unexpected. I thought the poem flowed (no pun intended) quite well. I suggest putting a full stop at the end (you can't get a more tiny piece of criticism than that.) -Tim |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Janie, I really enjoyed this one. I admit that my first reaction was "Oh not another mermaid peom." But it didn't take long to realize the real image and the sweetness you had written. Having had a little mermaid of my own and view this scene personally, I can attest that tempest is a perfect description. Thanks for sharing, Pete |
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Novacaine For The Soul Member
since 2000-05-26
Posts 122New Orleans |
Yay!! (that's about all i think i'm going to say about this one... here, i'll say it again for good measure) Yay!!! sincerely, a sad tomato So let us melt, and make no noise, No tear-floods, nor sigh-tempests move. |
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Janie Member
since 2000-08-13
Posts 158 |
Tim, Pete and Sad Tomato Thanks for you acknowledgements and comments. I wasn't expecting this to be received as well as it has been. It's the first piece I've written in meter without true rhyme but similar middle consonant sounds on every other line. There's probably a term for that, maybe someone can enlighten me? And as Tim suggests, I'll end it as: "Sudden stops from motion, tame" Janie |
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