»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #1
»
Although the day is six feet under... (revised)
| Critical Analysis #1 |
|
Although the day is six feet under... (revised) |
|
|
Master Senior Member
since 1999-08-18
Posts 1867Boston, MA 
|
Although the day is six feet under, Your perfume in the air remains And horses drag the fallen reins,-- Apollo's fallen into slumber. Like ghosts at night, dark branches sway And cast long shadows onto walls. The creaking carriage slowly rolls... The horses’ hoofs sink into clay The wearied horses stray and wander. The night is chilling, cold and grim, And one by one, the windows dim, Apollo’s fallen into slumber. The heavy clouds loom with gray They’re undisturbed by northern winds And leaving only round prints The horses’ hoofs sink into clay Dark skies are gliding down the lanes The moonlight lulls us, gently healing Cold corpses lie without feeling And horses drag the fallen reins The darkness fills the empty halls Our voices lower to a whisper The air is turning colder, crisper The creaking carriage slowly rolls... With frenzy throwing up the curtains September rages, filled with spite... My darling, don’t turn off the light We won’t awake the sleeping servants. Check out my poetry here: http://cafepoetry.com/stage1/andrey_kneller.htm#My%20Hamlet |
||
| © Copyright 2000 Andrey Kneller - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Craig Member
since 1999-06-10
Posts 444 |
I liked this though I can’t get the idea out of my head that the repeated lines are placed too precisely to be accidental. If the pattern is coincidental I’ll be amazed! Well was it or wasn’t it?  Yes, I admit your general rule. That every poet is a fool: But I myself may serve to show it. That every fool is not a poet. |
||
|
Master Senior Member
since 1999-08-18
Posts 1867Boston, MA |
The pattern wasn't accidental, I intended to put the repeating lines where they are... the purpose of it?-- first of all, it helps the poem flow better and secondly it establish a parallel set of images to the images of what is actually happening in the poem. I hope that helps... |
||
|
Master Senior Member
since 1999-08-18
Posts 1867Boston, MA |
Can anyone offer me some critique on this one? Be as harsh as you like... |
||
|
Craig Member
since 1999-06-10
Posts 444 |
Hello You know by now that I’m not very good at this so take what you like and ignore the rest. Although the day is six feet under, Your perfume in the air remains **Loved the first line, good way of describing the end of day. The use of perfume in the air to describe both a parting and the memory of the parted worked well. And horses drag the fallen reins,-- Apollo's fallen into slumber. **Horses drag the fallen reins, this is the first use of the line and I pictured two saddled horses, heads bowed in so that the reins brushed the ground, perhaps in tiredness? That made me wonder whether the horses were real or just a metaphor for the narrators’ tiredness. A side thought I had was that the minute the horses entered the poem I immediately set the timeframe to ‘once upon a time’?! The next line just confirmed the timeframe, any modern reference to the God of the sun used to underline that it was night just has to be pre-electricity, I liked it. Like ghosts at night, dark branches sway And cast long shadows onto walls. **Mentioning night was a bit of a let down, I’d been made to work to figure it out and here you are handing it to me on a plate! What walls? I didn’t have any walls to start with, you added them, which is fine it is your poem but I need more information. The creaking carriage slowly rolls... The horses’ hoofs sink into clay **The horses are now attached to a carriage, no problem I can rearrange the picture as more details emerge, in fact I quite enjoy it that way it makes me want to read on. The hooves sinking denotes time passing, right? The wearied horses stray and wander. The night is chilling, cold and grim, And one by one, the windows dim, Apollo’s fallen into slumber. **Loose horses with saddle might wander, attached to a carriage? I’m no equine perambulation expert but I was wondering what the occupants of the carriage where doing at this point or dare I ask? The windows dimming might be a clue. The heavy clouds loom with gray They’re undisturbed by northern winds And leaving only round prints The horses’ hoofs sink into clay **Weather forecast, that’s fine it paints a little bit more for me to build on but then we’re back to the horses and they’ve stopped again, why? Dark skies are gliding down the lanes The moonlight lulls us, gently healing Cold corpses lie without feeling And horses drag the fallen reins **Cold corpses? Are the occupants really dead or just look dead? The darkness fills the empty halls Our voices lower to a whisper The air is turning colder, crisper The creaking carriage slowly rolls... With frenzy throwing up the curtains September rages, filled with spite... My darling, don’t turn off the light We won’t awake the sleeping servants. **Home at last! The servants add to the feeling of bygone times, I wondered whether the curtains were on the carriage or in the halls but that’s a minor thing. My Verdict: I liked it a lot, the abba rhyme scheme worked well, I didn’t recognize the form of repeated lines has it a name? The repetition really couldn’t have been anything other than planned it’s laid out too well. Though I wondered if a better poem wasn’t sacrificed to keep to the structure. There are going to be loads of things I missed, usually they’re the things that should jump out and hit you between the eyes but conspire not to. I wouldn’t be surprised if this is more than it seems, in fact I’ll be amazed if it isn’t. Thanks for the chance to read and reply. Craig Yes, I admit your general rule. That every poet is a fool: But I myself may serve to show it. That every fool is not a poet. |
||
|
Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Well, I finally got a few minutes to study this one. As Craig hinted, it has a sort of medieval feel to it. I often like that sort of writing although I never had much luck trying it. On first reading it seemed to ramble a little and not pull together. However on rereading the continuity seems much better than I thought. Guess it made me think a little  I particularly liked the first and last lines of the first stanza, an excellent and unique way of describing the end of the day. But I have a minor problem with the thought transition between lines 2 and 3, not seeming related enough. Also, I think you should drop the comma at the end of line 3, the dashes being sufficient punctuation. In the third stanza, I don't really understand why you want the horses to "stray and wander" although you may have a perfectly good reason. If so, it isn't clear to me. Could be just my personal denseness though. In the fourth stanza, the first line could use another syllable. You might consider replacing loom with two syllables, although this isn't all that hard to read as is. The third line, however, really needs that other syllable. I would definately try to substitute for round, if only to use rounded instead. That line really makes me stumble. Also, the second line needs punctuation at the end to separate the line of thought from 3 and 4. The remaining stanzas could also use a little punctuation for clarity. Finally, the last stanza confuses me a little. I like the sound and feel of it but I can't really tie it into the preceeding stanzas. Again, this just may be my own denseness but I feel like there is something missing which might help me to understand why the poem finishes as it does. As I said, I often like this style and yours is no exception. With a little editing, I think it has real potential, for me anyway. Pete (Never express yourself more clearly than you can think -- Niels Bohr) |
||
|
Master Senior Member
since 1999-08-18
Posts 1867Boston, MA |
Well, I guess that the poem wasn't that clear. The beauty of this poem is that 90% of it deals with a description of a metaphor, and only 10% deals with what is actually going on... Let me explain, The lines that describe the horses, the carrige and so on, all have to deal with the image of Apollo,-- the god of the sun, who rides in the horse-drawn carriage to bring the world light. But Apollo has fallen asleep, hence the line "the horses drag the fallen reins." The "walls" as Craig noticed do not fit with the whole image of Apollo. There a couple of such words that are meant to trip you up and make you question the setting of the poem; ex. "windows," "halls," and "curtains." Although there are clues throughout the poem, it is in the last stanza that the true sittuation is described. Everyone in the house is asleep and only two lovers are awake at night. The man asks the woman not to turn off the light, they won't awake the sleeping servants ("cold corpses"). The uniqueness of this piece is that it's not meant to have some great message, but it describes a romantic setting and captures it's essence. For me, there's something haunting about this piece. This wasn't that great of an explanation, but I hope you guys will see what I mean... Thank you for taking your time to respond... Any further critique or advice would be appreciatted. --Andre PS: Pete thanks for your suggestions with the meter, I'll think of something for that line... |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
