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Dark Angel Member Patricius
since 1999-08-04
Posts 10095
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I tread dust of a rustic plain so bland this land this woman that I am emptied of you alone I walk beside that dream that scene where we shared one mind one skin beyond my touch, it curves a line a time taken from me alive, burning, glowing still oh love, these years of old sleep under lidded eyes of fires that burn dull without you and I sit atop yawning hills under trees of breezes sullen 'til we meet again Angel of Darkness 26/8/2000 [This message has been edited by Dark Angel (edited 08-28-2000).] |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Hi M i've exhausted myself replying to trevor, but after just a quick read the thing that stands out here is the rhythm you have going engendered mainly i think by the regular rhyming couplets ... from what i've assimilated so far i liked it, but i'll have to get back later.. off to soothe my burning fingertips  P |
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ladysixstring Member
since 2000-07-27
Posts 374 |
I really enjoyed the way you put your thoughts to word in this one. My favorite segment being... "sleep under lidded eyes of fires that burn dull without you" I'm not qualified to critique format but I can say that nothing stuck out as a sore thumb here. Not even the rhythm. In fact... it fit me perfectly. The rhyming pattern is a little irregular but it didn't seem to distract me at all. Oh, the line that really caught my eye was "this woman that I am emptied of you". Enjoyed!! -jaimie Website: www.ladysixstring.com |
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chinaman Junior Member
since 2000-08-26
Posts 17 |
hi Dark Angel Its a lovely read. I'm not a good critic and its an excellent analysis given by the two above. Chinaman |
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Dark Angel Member Patricius
since 1999-08-04
Posts 10095 |
MP, my my you are a busy boy aren't you? but after just a quick read the thing that stands out here is the rhythm you have going engendered mainly i think by the regular rhyming couplets ... Is this good? well I am glad you like it Philip  that makes me feel good so how are your delicate little finger tips ? hehehe Oh and umm I'm still waitinggggg lol ---------------------------------- Ladysixstring, thank you very much for your lovely reply and for taking the time for reading and commenting, I appreciate it! ----------------------------------- Chinaman, Thank you so very much hehe I can't wait to see what Philip has to say heheh. Thanks all again Maree |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Maree, Sorry but I don't have nearly the finger energy that Philip has (or the critical ability either) but, late though I am, I will try to say a little here. First, I have to agree with him about the rhythm. It is very interesting and just moves right along from front to back. Part of that probably is the imbedded couplets and part is just your word choice, I think. Second, I like the ideas you presented and the unusual and fresh approach to those ideas. With that said, I did find a couple of lines which I thought less of that the rest. In the second stanza, the last line "one skin" just seemed a little out of place. I think I see your intent but it just didn't fit for me. Then near the end, "I sit atop yawning hills" again somehow seems wrong posed against "under trees of breezes". I'm not sure what it is I don't like, probably "atop yawning hills." All-in-all, I enjoyed it very much. Pete |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Pete ...to borrow an expression from Elyse ... "I luv ya" .... just in time you were ...lol... I've been trying for the last few days to think of something constructive to say about this poem Maree - but i can't ..! It might be just fatigue, but i don't think so - i think it's maybe just that it sounds pretty perfect to me, you are very good at this form. I do tend to agree with Pete about "one skin" though ... well done M Philip |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hello Dark Angel, Since you've read other versions of critiques I'll skip the it's only an opinion speech. "I tread dust of a rustic plain so bland this land this woman that I am emptied of you." I really liked the opening stanza though at first I wasn't so keen on the first two lands but after a couple of reads it grew on me. Liked the flow and the idea behind the images. "alone I walk beside that dream that scene where we shared one mind one skin" I'm not too fond of the dream line, mainly because dream is a far too often used word in poetry but at the same time it lends to the sound of the poem. I, like Pete, also didn't feel the one mind-one skin thing fit. "beyond my touch, it curves a line a time taken from me alive, burning, glowing still" Really liked the first five lines. "oh love, these years of old sleep under lidded eyes of fires that burn dull without you" I think this stanza might still work without "oh love"....seems like an overdone technique. Also you just used the word burn in the last stanza and the rep. seemed to stick out for me. My opinion is change burning in the stanza prior to this one and keep your use of burn in this stanza. "and I sit atop yawning hills under trees of breezes sullen 'til we meet again" Liked the imagery and flow, very romantic stanza, however I couldn't connect it fully to the poem....one minute your treading dust in a rustic plain...kinda conveying the image of a bad old place void of beauty and next you are under a tree atop a quiet hill pining for the one you love. Just seemed to skip from this image to that one a little too quickly without any real transition. The theme seemed to be of a woman feeling empty without her lover and i thought the original images of a bland land really lent itself to this...then you go on to say how the fire in your eyes burn dull, which also fits the original image, but then you tell me of a quaint little hill that left me wanting to have a nice picnic on it My opinion is that the poem is very likeable, very easy to like because of the flow and some standout lines, however I think that staying a little more true to a specific image may help the poem become even stronger.Thanks for the read, take care, Trevor |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Maree ... you just got yourself some great advice from trevor .. "Liked the imagery and flow, very romantic stanza, however I couldn't connect it fully to the poem....one minute your treading dust in a rustic plain...kinda conveying the image of a bad old place void of beauty and next you are under a tree atop a quiet hill pining for the one you love. Just seemed to skip from this image to that one a little too quickly without any real transition. The theme seemed to be of a woman feeling empty without her lover and i thought the original images of a bland land really lent itself to this...then you go on to say how the fire in your eyes burn dull, which also fits the original image, but then you tell me of a quaint little hill that left me wanting to have a nice picnic on it My opinion is that the poem is very likeable, very easy to like because of the flow and some standout lines, however I think that staying a little more true to a specific image may help the poem become even stronger." This, Maree, is what i've been trying to put into words for the last couple of weeks. It's the same problem as in "Mortal Sin" (although in Mortal Sin its a lot worse). You are really very good a creating effective images but you often seem to simply stick them into the poem without much apparent connectedness with the remainder of the piece. Trev put it well: "Just seemed to skip from this image to that one a little too quickly without any real transition" In Mortal Sin, the reason why I asked for a line by line explanation wasn't because i didn't understand the individual lines as stand alone entities, but because i thought that by doing that exercise you might see that the meaning of one line seems completely divorced from that of the next in many cases. Mortal Sin, much more than this poem, attempts to develop a story or theme and so it is incredibly important that at some point in the composition process you sit back and think about what you are trying to say and then present it a manner that some sort of logical progression or regression even ..lol .....i know i know there are exceptions .. the so called "dynamic" poems of someone like John Ashbery for instance - but lets not get into that right now please !..lol So what i'm trying to say is exactly what i think Trev was saying, which is that to some extent this poem is "carried" by its imagery (which is why I like it so much), but it could be a good deal better with a little more planning, as could your other stuff..... later P |
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mysticharm Member
since 2000-06-08
Posts 189Canada |
hi maree ...as you know by now I'm the resident dunce lol I go by what I like or don't like ...I really like the way you are able create images in a person's mind "this woman that I am emptied of you" ...I really like this line, so much meaning with so little words debbie |
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Dark Angel Member Patricius
since 1999-08-04
Posts 10095 |
Hi Pete, Philip, Trevor and Mysticharm, Thanks so much for your comments and for taking the time to read I do appreciate your suggestions also which I have gone through and taken. but not all hehe. "yawning hills" and "under trees of breezes" I have left where it is, simply because it tells you where this woman is finding some sort of solace, but I guess I didn't mention what she was doing.... so I do agree that it didn't somehow make any sense, but hopefully this revised edition will make more sense and agree with you all Again thanks for your critiques and for taking the time Alone I tread dust of a rustic plain so bland this land this woman that I am emptied of you alone I walk beside a sphere a dear reflection mirrored, anchored by us beyond my touch, it curves a line a time taken from me alive and glowing still these years of old sleep under lidded eyes of fires that burn dull without you and I mourn atop these yawning hills, under trees of breezes sullen ‘til we meet again Thank you Maree |
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