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Critical Analysis #1

Passions Felt

fjones
Member

since 1999-06-07

Posts 98
MS

0 posted 1999-07-17 09:54 PM

Life’s disappointments brings on
heart ache.
Love gone wrong causes the
heart to pine.
Losing love ones makes the
heart break.
Separation cultivates a
heart filled with longing.
But my child in dire distress brings acute
heart pain.
I cannot rescue my baby –so my
heart will stay a passion of pain.

[This message has been edited by fjones (edited 07-18-99).]

Daniel2
Junior Member

since 1999-07-13

Posts 28
Waterloo, Ontario, Canada

1 posted 1999-07-18 01:07 AM

This one reads like a series of proverbs or even cliches. "passion of pain" has a nice ring to it. You could start again, building around this phrase.
Do you mean, "losing loved ones"? Loosing is from the verb to loose, meaning to set free.
Be careful of "dire".
I like short little wisdom poems and I'm sure you have much to pass on.

Ohme
Senior Member

since 1999-07-17

Posts 816
Texas

2 posted 1999-07-18 01:10 AM

I can relate to your poem. As I suppose any parent can. Nice.

fjones
Member

since 1999-06-07

Posts 98
MS

3 posted 1999-07-18 09:34 AM

Thank you Daniel2 for pointing out my spelling mistakes. You are right,each sentence could be a cliche but still I think maybe they ring true. I am trying to convey the pain of your heart when your child is in need or danger and you as a parent cannot change the outcome of the situation. It is the most helpless and long lasting pain anyone can experence!

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