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fonics+memerash
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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fonics+memerash |
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fonics17 Junior Member
since 2000-08-13
Posts 12 |
Hi everyone, Well memerash and I took a try at writing a poem together. I usually write free verse, well Meredith has a love of rhyme, and so this is the result. Of the 1st stanza, I wrote lines 1 and 3, while she wrote 2 and 4. Then second stanza, she wrote 1 and 3, whiel I wrote 2 and 4, etc. We mainly tried to make everything in tetrameters, and our rhyme schemes really need work, some rhymes don't seem to flow as well. Any help would be greatly appreciated! thanks! -fonics + memerash Stained Blood The sun gazed through these leaves about Casting shadows upon the ground And splashed on my face; then withdrew Into a space devoid of sound The earth swirls at my feet below As I lift my head from beneath this tree And raised it to the heaves high above My hands clenched, hands which cannot see These bursting red bright apples that I hold Capturing a look from my lusty eye Dark red passions of sin about Lowering my head, I begin to cry I squeeze the fruit till its juices bleed Its life slips through my fingers onto the sand And dribbles down my forarm with sweet stickiness Now stained blood remains upon my hand. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I think you've fallen into the number one pitfall of co-authored writing (this is why it's so hard to do) - the problem of voice. At times, it reads comically, at times, sadistic, and at times, almost spiritual. Which one is it? It never quite seems to come together so I won't even hazard what you were trying to say. What were you trying to say?  It would be interesting to see what comes of this but I definitely think it needs more work. Also, I think the rhyming problems stem from some meter problems you have. Good luck, Brad |
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