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Seoulman
Junior Member
since 2000-05-24
Posts 41


0 posted 2000-08-18 03:23 AM



Coonowrin never looked so good
on four feet dunes
as windswept fingers
gouged wickedly my youth.

Sun parched eyes convey feeling -
to be, to be
at the beach.

Gulls freeride in cupped
hands, suspended it seems -
forever.

And stinging soles dance
their exigency,
reminding me that they
need to be hypnotized too -

to be, to be
at the beach.

note- 'Coonowrin' is the Aboriginal name of a coastal mountain in Queensland, Australia.                            

© Copyright 2000 Seoulman - All Rights Reserved
jbouder
Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash
1 posted 2000-08-21 08:41 PM


Seoulman:

Believe it or not, I've been trying to steal enough time to comment on this poem for a few days.  I apologize for the delay.

I found the poem very enjoyable (I'll get into why a little later).

I would suggest a little bit of rewording to clear up what I see as a tense problem and an end-stop (at "youth") that I think was a little too abrupt.  The tense problem is easy enough to solve ... "conveyed" instead of "convey".

It may help move the stanza about the gulls from the third position to the second and rework the punctuation to make the first three stanzas one sentence.  I think this would add a romanticized sound to your romanticized descriptions and better set the reader up for what I liked so much about the poem ... stanza 4.  You've taken us to the threshhold of paradise only to slap us back into reality with the hot sand.  A clever (and well worded) turn.

Nice work.

Jim




[This message has been edited by jbouder (edited 08-21-2000).]

Seoulman
Junior Member
since 2000-05-24
Posts 41

2 posted 2000-08-21 09:40 PM


Thanks Jim for your most helpful comments. In respect to the 'youth' ending, my original poem went like this

"windswept fingers gouged
wickedly my youth
to parting waves"

What do you think?
Anyway, again thanks!

jbouder
Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash
3 posted 2000-08-21 09:51 PM


I like the original stanza but would like to see how it plugs into the poem.  Let me know if/when you rework a few things ... I enjoyed the poem.
ggrn3
Member
since 2000-08-17
Posts 433
Nahunta Georgia U.S.
4 posted 2000-08-21 10:40 PM


Seoulman
                  Great peom.
  Your first stanza was a great opening even though I did not know what Coonowrin was.  After I had read the poem and you clarified this for me, I got a very vivid picture of your poem.
  In your first stanza, I see adolecent walking to the beach through the dunes,and it's very hot outside. I believe that you could convey this youthfulness with a well placed "at" after "wickedly" and a "tender" just before "youth." I can picture the heat with your line, "Coonowrin never looked so good..." as if you were wishing for the coolness of the mountain.
  The second stanza somehow shows exuberance to me. It seems to me that your eyes appear to show you are excited with your line "to be, to be."  Those "to be's" just seem to jump out at me as if they were shouted.
The third stanza shows to me that you have stopped to look and admire the gulls in flight over the water.  It appears that you get lost in this admiration with your line "freeride in cupped hands, suspended it seems...forever"
  I loved your final stanza as it shows the need to be awaken out of your daze.  It gives me a feeling of urgency and kinda shoots me back to the first stanza and the Coonowrin and thoughts of being cool.
  I would not change a thing in those last three stanzas.

Garfield

Brad
Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea
5 posted 2000-08-26 07:41 PM


I've had a chance to let this one sit for awhile so I think I can give a slightly different angle this time around:

Coonowrin never looked so good
on four feet dunes

--this part's strong. Your first line combines a fairly common phrase with an uncommon noun. This should tantalize the reader rather than turn off. Well done.

as windswept fingers
gouged wickedly my youth.

--'wickedly' stands out for me as unnecessary. Either expand and show why or how 'windswept fingers' will wickedly do something - in which case the word is not necessary - or state the image without the anthropomorphism. What does wind have against you personally anyway?


Sun parched eyes convey feeling -

--I like this and I like the ambiguity in feeling.

to be, to be
at the beach.

--too sing, songey. You've changed voices here but I'm at a loss to understand why.


Gulls freeride in cupped
hands, suspended it seems -
forever.

--again, powerful - I think maybe a little expansion on the gull scene would add to the effect though.

And stinging soles dance
their exigency,
reminding me that they
need to be hypnotized too -

-- I like this even if the first line, except for the pun, borders dangerously close to common phrasing.

to be, to be
at the beach.

--I don't think this is strong enough to end the poem. Maybe drop both repetitions and end with 'too'. I think it conveys a starker image that way.

Just an opinion,
Brad

Forrest Cain
Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306
Chas.,W.V. USA
6 posted 2000-08-26 08:11 PM


I enjoyed the imagery in this poem and found
it to be an entertaining and fun to read.

forrest

ladysixstring
Member
since 2000-07-27
Posts 374

7 posted 2000-08-27 07:10 PM


Hello Seoulman,

Well, I typed out a very long opinion of your poem but instead of "submit" I hit "clear".  Damn! Damn! Damn!

I'll see if I can remember what I said...

I agree with Brad on the "gouged wickedly".  It struck me as odd.

"Gulls freeride in cupped, hands, suspended it seems - forever."  Absolutely beautiful if I have the correct image in mind.  I'm really not sure due to the other discriptions being so harsh and this one seemingly tranquil.

"Sun parched eyes"  Do we have eyes thirsting for or longing to see the sun -or- do we have eyes miserably dry from the sun.  I hear dry eyes here, again unsure.

Overall, It seems we have a breathtaking scene involving gulls but hardly worth viewing due to the dry eyes, hot feet and a wind storm with a personal vedette against young beach goers.

I think I need a little more to draw an opinion on.  I'm not sure I came to the correct conclusion.  I think you've got something great going here but it needs a little more "opinion" in it.
< !signature-->

-jaimie

Website: www.ladysixstring.com


[This message has been edited by ladysixstring (edited 08-27-2000).]

Seoulman
Junior Member
since 2000-05-24
Posts 41

8 posted 2000-08-28 08:54 PM


Thank you everyone for helping me on the road to becoming atleast a half decent poet!
Trevor
Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700
Canada
9 posted 2000-08-29 02:25 AM


Hello Seoulman,

"Coonowrin never looked so good
on four feet dunes
as windswept fingers
gouged wickedly my youth. "

Really liked the opening two lines, it conveys not only an image but also a feeling towards them. I thought perhaps a good idea might be to expand on the last line.

"Sun parched eyes convey feeling -
to be, to be
at the beach."

I did really like this stanza too much except for "eyes convey feeling". Sun parched seemed overused and the repetition didn't work in my opinion.

"Gulls freeride in cupped
hands, suspended it seems -
forever."

Loved this part except for the use of "forever"....perhaps consider expanding a tiny bit more on the visual of their suspension.

"And stinging soles dance
their exigency,
reminding me that they
need to be hypnotized too -"

I really liked this stanza a lot. Very light and well written adding another texture to this poem.

"to be, to be
at the beach."

Seemed a little too flat as an ending...almost gave it an incomplete feeling. What i really liked about the poem is that I knew you were talking about the beach because of the sand and gulls references even before the footnote and also that you subtly conveyed the feeling of it being a place you wanted to be at.

Thanks for the read,

Trevor

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