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Grandson
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Grandson |
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gidget7 Member
since 2000-08-12
Posts 52Arkansas, USA |
This is my very first real poem I ever wrote.I wrote it several years ago,and I have no idea why I have hung on to it.I do however know that I wrote it to honor my fathers first grandson,who died at the age of 2 years in a house fire.Robbie, God bless you,and I will see you soon. A new cry is heard by an old mans ears So beautiful,it brings joyous tears. Our first grandson...so warm and sweet. With tiny little hands,and precious little feet. The babys face reminds him,of his own son's When his life,had just begun. this small child brings back so many memories. And to think..he would not be here,were it not for me. I created my son,who in turn has created him. A new generation starts all over again. He will carry on our name with such pride. How could something so small,make you feel so big inside ? |
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| © Copyright 2000 Kimberley Clayton - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
This is an interesting piece. I liked it. I wonder, however, if you might drop the rhyme to create a softer (and perhaps more endearing) effect. Just a suggestion, Brad |
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Janie Member
since 2000-08-13
Posts 158 |
Gidget, The joy and reflection of a new addition to a family. How joyous! What a tragedy, bless his little life. Though, no doubt, he's in good hands now. I think you've captured the idea well. There's a few punctuation errors like lack of apostrophes. Also, you begin as if this is a narrative told by a third person, then you change to indicate it's told by a "2nd person" when you say "Our first grandson" and then you continue the narrative by saying "the baby's face reminds him" but then you change to first person when you say "were it not for me". Maybe I'm misunderstanding your view, but I might suggest you decide on who is telling the story and stick with that view instead of changing so much within the piece. Also, since this is a poem, not prose, I think you could eliminate some words but still get the same context and intent. For instance, "is heard" could be just "heard" and "it brings", just "brings" Here's a possible revision to the first few lines: A new cry, heard, by an old man's ears So beautiful, brings joyous tears. First grandson...so warm and sweet. With tiny hands and precious feet. The face resembles his own son's When his life had just begun. As you mention, this is the first poem you ever wrote, written several years ago. It's a good first poem. Sincerely, Janie |
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