»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #1
»
December 1992
| Critical Analysis #1 |
|
December 1992 |
|
|
jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
I will corrupt you, he teased. With a sardonic laugh inside my head, I thought, I wish you could. For if you could corrupt me, I could believe that I yet held Some fragment of pride, Some scrap of self-respect, Some small pocket of purity in heart or soul, Untouched, unexposed, shielded From the countless probing eyes, hands and worse Of countless bodies I have lain under all too willingly, Begging for the groaning, gasping escape I have come to crave more than any other drug. If I could have one simple prayer granted, I would pray that I still had something left to corrupt. But prayers, I have learned, are for fools, And I need another hit. I will corrupt you, he teased. Mmmm, I hope so, I replied, Grinning a wicked grin. |
||
| © Copyright 1999 jenni - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Well, you asked for it. Actually, I enjoyed this poem especially the beginning and the end. The repetition works well here and you have a very playful style that I thought kept the middle part going. The middle part almost moves into self indulgence and wallowing but you bring it back well with the ending. Suggestions: Why not break it up into tercet stanzas? I think you might be able to create even more tension here by creating a pause after every third line. But as you've probably already guessed from the above, it's the middle part that needs some reworking (just my opinion). You've set up a potentially great scene and then seem to get bogged down with past affairs that you don't tell us anything about. I think your stuck in explaining your feelings too much but not telling the reader enough to get involved. Yeah, too much and too little. I would drop the 'prayer lines' -- I don't they help, too much of a tangent. How about setting the same exact idea but with concrete images of past 'hits' and maybe just one liners of actual thoughts. In other words don't tell us what you're thinking, show us. If it worked (I don't know if it would) it would create the sensation of memory images in your brain, the tension of indecision in the current situation, and still express your dilemma of 'purity'. Pet peeves: almost never like words like 'purity' 'heart' 'soul' in a poem. Too abstract for me to feel anything. And what's wrong with being a nymphomaniac? Just my opinion, Brad |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||