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Critical Analysis #1
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question perception
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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question perception |
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lost hamlet New Member
since 2000-08-15
Posts 5 |
Sonic flowers with bursts of lust Transformed my vision from clear to Unavoidable charcoal dust, Left in the wind to blow through out And landing on indigo innocence released by child’s fate. Jade rain landing by the purple ocean shores, Caught in her black heartened sweet poisoned kissed adore, Locked in on the cure, with out keys I drift below doors. Awkward and tainted, bottled for freshness. Left myself in the sun to dry, High noon heats the bleach that stains The imperfection hard water spotted rain, Point the blame correctly to cause The right amount of pain in accurate imagination. Tomorrow will eventually be yesterday’s Sure dream of white picket fences drenched With model simplicity, I still see the gleam In the sparkle of the presence in honesty’s life… Confused by insane imperfection beauty haunting, Try to sit back and absorb delicate drop thoughts |
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| © Copyright 2000 lost hamlet - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Janie Member
since 2000-08-13
Posts 158 |
Lot's of great imagery! You painted many word pictures but of what they are I'm really not sure. Appears you have quite a bit of symbolism that only you know what this is really about? Just one thing, regarding this line: In the sparkle of the presence in honesty’s life… Should this perhaps be: Of the sparkle in the presence of honesty's life... ??? |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
hi hamlet! welcome to passions.  youve got some interesting images and ideas here, but, erm, this is incredibly disjointed. they rhyme is seemingly completely haphazard, and i cant really connect these lines into a thought or progression of any kind really. i think that if you stand back and ask yourself, "what do i really want to say" you'll have an easier time being clearer and more precise. keep writing! luv Elyse [This message has been edited by Elyse (edited 08-16-2000).] |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Welcome to CA! I would argue that your diction is interesting rather than the images themselves but would definitely agree that this is disjointed. Much great poetry is the product of the tension between syntax (the sentence) and the line. Particularly, "Caught in her black heartened sweet poisoned kissed adore" You've set up so many adjectives before the awkwardly placed adore that the poem loses anything resembling tempo or movement. Remember, poems are read through time and should be written to reflect that. Still, I think this has a lot of potential and hope you decide to rewrite. Just an opinion, Brad |
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