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Critical Analysis #1
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Outside Looking In (rewrite)
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Outside Looking In (rewrite) |
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Alle'cram Senior Member
since 2000-02-28
Posts 1816Texas |
Different form: Standing outside the chain link fence he watched the kids at play. He wanted to enter and join the game yet by his bike he did stay. He bounced his ball a thousand times at home he honed his skill. Each day stopping at the fence desperately wanting in. Straight home after school one day, he met a kid down the street. Each stopped their bikes and talked awhile a friend he was glad to meet. The next time he passed by the park he heard his name being called, "why don't you come and join us, there is enough room for us all". He often is reminded, when he stood outside the fence, as others stand there in his stead now desperately wanting in. It only takes one little act to extend a helping hand. Giving hope to someone else, On the Outside Looking In. --------------------------------------- Standing outside the chainlink fence he watched the children at play Wanting to enter and join the game, he remained crutched against his bike He bounced his ball a thousand times At home he honed his skill Each day stopping by the fence desperately wanting in Remaining outside always looking in Going straight home after school one day he met a kid down the street They stopped and talked for awhile each saddled to a bicycle seat The next time he paused by the fence he heard his name being called "why don't you come and play with us, there is room for us all", said the boy from down the street. As time passed and kids come and went a few remained outside the fence This served as a reminder to him when he was outside looking in.... As he matured in age and skill and as the kids come and went if he saw one remaining there outside the chain link fence a helping hand he would extend so that all might enter in [This message has been edited by Alle'cram (edited 08-11-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 Alle'cram - All Rights Reserved | |||
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Hi, Nice sentiment, good life lesson expressed well, although I feel that in the format you have chosen, much would be added if you put in rhyme and meter. It seems to be kind of right there in the middle between freeverse and structured verse, leaning more towards the latter. I think a traditional poetry format would fit it perfectly. Nice work, Kris the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare |
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Alle'cram Senior Member
since 2000-02-28
Posts 1816Texas |
Kris, thank you. Take a verse (or anyone), rework it, giving me a example of what you you would do. Thanks a lot for your candor. Appreciated, as I am learning. Marcy |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
One of the things in poetry that so many people forget is the element of surprise. Unfortunately, this doesn't deliver. There are many ways to create this element - twist endings, tension from the start, misdirection, style shifts or whatever but, as a result, didactic poetry becomes extremely difficult to do. No one's going to argue that the sentiment is nice but that is exactly my point - I like the poems where the moral sentiments are ambiguous (in any of a number of different ways) or, if not, comic. Sorry, just an opinion, Brad |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Marcy: Since Brad saw fit to go on his Berserker Ogre tirade, I am finding that I have little to add in the way of critiques tonight.  Along the same lines as what Brad mentioned, the value of "the punch" in a poem is priceless. It is often the unexpected emotive movement in a poem (whether comic or sentimental) that makes a poem memorable to the reader. I do like the positive message of the poem and you seem to have a natural ear for rhythm in your writing. The meter (set rhythm) is a little inconsistent but it is apparent to me that you pay close attention to the sound of your poetry. Thanks for the read. Jim |
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Alle'cram Senior Member
since 2000-02-28
Posts 1816Texas |
Hi, Thanks, both of you and I agree with your critique. After rewriting and reading it, I hated to deliver....but, how else to learn. Thanks to both of you, mostly for your honesty. Marcy |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Marcy, I think you did a wonderful job with the re-write. The only thing I might do would be to eliminate the extra line in the fourth stanza...it's not needed. I tend to have a different view than the two highly esteemed moderators who also replied. I think that there are different categories of poetry, and not all have to have an element of surprise, or a punch, as J.B. put it. Certain poems, especially free verse, seem to be more effective when those elements are used, but this type of poetry is what I call, the "fable" form. You did a very nice job with it. Hope I was of help, Kris the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare |
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Alle'cram Senior Member
since 2000-02-28
Posts 1816Texas |
Thanks Kris, As bad as I hated to move this "back" to the top, wanted to acknowledge your toooo kind reply. Thanks, Marcy |
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