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Critical Analysis #1
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No Other Woman (Edited with additional stanza)
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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No Other Woman (Edited with additional stanza) |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563
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I know the meter is kind of choppy...could use some help. No other woman could ever care as much as I, Do for you the warm and loving things I do, Who'll build you up when you are down, yet cannot cry? Who'll find the pieces when you fall apart, and don't know why, When the night sky fills with stars, who will wish on them with you, No other woman could ever care as much as I. No other woman could show you the tenderness I do, And make you laugh without reserve from way down deep inside, The joys of life and love I've found, I share them all with you, I ask you, when you leave, do you have a clue, Who will satisfy your ev'ry need, and love you for your mind? No other woman could show you the tenderness I do. No other woman could love you as much as I, You are the one, all I would ever want or need, I could hold you in my arms ev'ry night till the sunrise, And wake each hour to gently touch your lips with mine, You can't just go...in my thoughts you'll forever be, No other woman could love you as much as I. No other woman feels the aching heart I do, The tears and lonliness fill my days and nights, I wonder what it is I could have done for you, No other man would ever make me feel so blue, Though I know it was never wrongs or rights, No other woman feels the aching heart I do. Kris < !signature--> the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare [This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 08-11-2000).] |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Kris, Well IMHO you have a slightly rough jewel here. Made me immediately think of my wife. Not that she wrote or said anything like it but, as I see myself, it absolutely fits her perfectly. Thanks for the insight. Yes the meter stumbles a bit but I think some of that is just fine with your uneven lines and somewhat random rhyme scheme. There are a few places where it does seem a little awkward. Mostly I would just remove a few words (something I believe I learned from you BTW) to smooth it but slightly. If I may be so bold, here is my quick suggestion: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . No other woman could ever care as much as I, Or do for you the warm and loving things I do, Who'll build you up when you are down, yet cannot cry? Who'll find the pieces when you fall apart, and don't know why, When night sky fills with stars, who'll wish on them with you, No other woman could ever care as much as I. No other woman could bring to you the tenderness I do, Make you laugh without reserve from way down deep inside, The joys of life and love I've found, I always gave to you, I ask you, when I'm left behind, what will you do? Who will satisfy your ev'ry need, and love you for your mind. No other woman could bring to you the tenderness I do. No other woman could ever love you as much as I, You are the one, all that I would ever need or want, And I could hold you in my arms each night till sunrise, I'd wake each hour to gently touch your lips to mine, You can't just go, my thoughts you will forever haunt, No other woman could ever love you as much as I. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Well, I can't say that this improves it any but these are my ideas. The first and last lines of the last stanza are still a little off but I really like the wording so was reluctant to offer any changes there. Thanks for the read and the insight, Pete |
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Jamie Member Elite
since 2000-06-26
Posts 3168Blue Heaven |
Perhaps change the wording so that it is more economical? say something like.... No other woman cares for you as do I, Giving the warm and loving things I do, Who always builds you up, yet cannot cry? Who picks up your pieces, not asking why When stars fill the night, who will wish with you? No other woman cares for you as do I.. |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Pete, Ahhh, you sweet guy.  You worked it all out for me. I think it still needs some other work, though...word choices, and perhaps the rhyme scheme.I used a bit of an unconventional one...a,b,a,a,b,a. Thank you, Pete...can always count on you. Kris P.S. What insight?????? Prometheus, Thanks for your suggestion...it does help. I'm going to have to work on this some more, and come back with a re-write, hopefully better. Thanks again, Kris < !signature--> the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare [This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 08-10-2000).] |
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Alle'cram Senior Member
since 2000-02-28
Posts 1816Texas |
Not only did I enjoy all the poetry, but the meter lesson as well. The write, rewrite and what do you think, all sounded great to me. So, a meter is the one-two, one-two? Probably not a good way to ask the question, so trying again... is a meter a set rhythem? if so, what is the rhythem? marcy |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Marcy, This link is to the Passion's learning center. You should be able to find all that you would like to know there. Have fun! http://netpoets.com/learning/index.htm Kris the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Kris, I seem to be talking to other people on this thread. I don't know why. Just in the mood I guess. Okay, this is an example of one way to create movement in a poem. Do you see how the repetition in each stanza is, in one sense, not a repetition but an enhancement of the theme. When I read the first and last lines of each stanza, the repeated lines take on a different meaning after I read the intervening section. Repetition can be a powerful device in poetry precisely because it's not repetitive. Unfortunately, I also think that Kris gets caught up with the rhyme and loses a certain specificity - the details. I want to read a poem that shows 'a realness' to the setting -something that the woman has done that couldn't be done by another woman. The only way to create that is to avoid generalization and get right down to the dirty details. Just an opinion, Brad |
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Kirsty24 Junior Member
since 2000-03-24
Posts 40Australia |
Wow... You really made me think about how I feel about my fiance. I know that no other woman could love him close to how I do. Thanks and keep up the good work |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Brad, I don't know if I should write a reply to you or have the others do it since you were addressing them.  I know this lacks the descriptiveness that would be possible if there was no rhyme or structure, but I sacrificed that to have the rhyme...by the time I was done, I thought to myself that this could be a song, and I actually have it put to music (in my head). I thank you for stopping in and reading, and for telling the others what you thought about this. Kirsty, It did make somebody think! Glad you enjoyed. thanks so much for reading and for your comments. Kris the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare |
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