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Exotic Dreams
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Exotic Dreams |
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pegasus111 Member Elite
since 2000-07-27
Posts 2219ocala, fl, usa 
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The blessed relief of sleep washed over me drawing me down deeply into her waiting arms and I dreamed a dream of exotic nectar and I consumed it as a man lost in the heat of the desert and it was you sweet, honeyed nectar for my parched lips my hungry soul a sweet nectar that flows over me covers me with the sticky syrup of your love it sooths my skin protects me from the burning heat of despair shelters me from the fire of deceit shields me from the flames of indifference and I am healed again in your love |
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| © Copyright 2000 pegasus111 - All Rights Reserved | |||
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the romantic fanatic Junior Member
since 2000-08-05
Posts 26Spokane, WA U.S.A. |
Very cool. I like the imagery invoked here! |
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pegasus111 Member Elite
since 2000-07-27
Posts 2219ocala, fl, usa |
Thank you romantic fanatic...for the read and the compliment. the woods are lovely, dark, and deep, but I have promises to keep, and many miles to go before I sleep...Frost |
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m3jay Junior Member
since 2000-06-14
Posts 12 |
i liked it a lot. you have a great imagination. i also think you like things with a sweet taste! good job, m3jay |
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pegasus111 Member Elite
since 2000-07-27
Posts 2219ocala, fl, usa |
fantasy love is always sweet...yes?...  the woods are lovely, dark, and deep, but I have promises to keep, and many miles to go before I sleep...Frost |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi pegasus, I thought your beginning was very good. The blessed relief of sleep washed over me drawing me down deeply into her waiting arms and I dreamed a dream of exotic nectar and I consumed it as a man lost in the heat of the desert and it was you To this point I was really drawn in. But after that point, it seemed to become a little repetitive and superfluous. It may be just the repeated use of nectar though because as I study the individual lines, they really seem pretty good. Or maybe they just seem a little disjointed. Sorry I can't seem to write what I think here  but I hope you understand my meaning.Good concept and some very good images though. Thanks for the read. Pete (Never express yourself more clearly than you can think -- Niels Bohr) |
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pegasus111 Member Elite
since 2000-07-27
Posts 2219ocala, fl, usa |
Pete..thanks for the comment..I tend to agree with you about the second use of the word nectar("a sweet nectar"), could probably be removed entirely without sacrificing the integrity of the poem..The first repeat, however is unavoidable in my opinion. the woods are lovely, dark, and deep, but I have promises to keep, and many miles to go before I sleep...Frost |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
I think I would completely remove the line with the 3rd occurrence of nectar and I still think I would reword the second occurrence. Use some other wording instead. I think when you write of love, thirst and nectar you expose yourself to comparison with "Song To Celia", I quote a couple of lines, The thirst that from the soul doth rise Doth ask a drink divine, But might I of Jove’s nectar sup, I would not change for thine. And this is a truly difficult poem to compete with  Anyway, this is JMHO, but I really did enjoy your poem. Thanks, Pete |
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pegasus111 Member Elite
since 2000-07-27
Posts 2219ocala, fl, usa |
But, Pete...you already told me you don't like thine, doth, etc...lol the woods are lovely, dark, and deep, but I have promises to keep, and many miles to go before I sleep...Frost |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Well, if I said that (which I don't remember) then I lied Pete |
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pegasus111 Member Elite
since 2000-07-27
Posts 2219ocala, fl, usa |
just joking Pete..btw..would you take another look at Honor and tell me what you think of the revision? I value your opinion the woods are lovely, dark, and deep, but I have promises to keep, and many miles to go before I sleep...Frost |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
I think this poem is well-written, full of imagery, and oh, so romantic. Very nicely done. I do, however agree with Pete's view of the repeated use of nectar. I think if you replaced the second and third "nectar" with two apropos similes, it would only serve to improve a good piece of work. Kris the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare |
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pegasus111 Member Elite
since 2000-07-27
Posts 2219ocala, fl, usa |
I have since replaced the second nectar with the word manna, eliminated the line "a sweet nectar" and changed the next line to "it flows over me. Thanks for the help everyone. the woods are lovely, dark, and deep, but I have promises to keep, and many miles to go before I sleep...Frost |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
The strength of this poem is the middle section. I'd think about dropping the beginning and the end (far too general and overdone for my taste) and expand that whole part about the slippery sticky stuff. I think there's a lot of potential with that image. Just an opinion, Brad |
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