»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #1
»
Untold
| Critical Analysis #1 |
|
Untold |
|
|
newbieauthor12 Junior Member
since 2000-07-30
Posts 14 |
Untold Love There is a girl I know Her hair is as beautiful as a sunrise Her eyes deep as an ocean She is everything I could ever want Everything I could hope to be part of Yet I say nothing I do nothing And every day I become more scared Scared that I will never hear her voice again That I will never get to tell her what she means to me So why Why do I continue to avoid her beauty Why do I deny myself a chance at the one thing that could make me whole Well whatever the answer may be I hope I find it For unless I do soon My darkest fears could come true Before I can tell her |
||
| © Copyright 2000 newbieauthor12 - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hello Newbie, I have to be honest with you, a lot of this came off really cliched and lacked descriptions. "There is a girl I know Her hair is as beautiful as a sunrise Her eyes deep as an ocean She is everything I could ever want Everything I could hope to be part of" This stanza really tells us nothing of this girl you love and only really tells the reader that you love this girl because she has good hair and great eyes. I hope that didn't come off as mean sounding because it isn't meant to be that way. "beautiful as a sunrise", what does a sunrise look like to you? Why is it beautiful? "Deep as an ocean", which ocean? What do you see in her eyes to provoke such thoughts of depth? Is telling someone there eyes are as deep as an ocean really a great compliment? Try to add to your descriptions and tell the reader what makes this girl so stunningly beautiful. Make the reader fall in love with her too. "Yet I say nothing I do nothing And every day I become more scared Scared that I will never hear her voice again That I will never get to tell her what she means to me" Again, pretty standard cliched stuff here. Dive into your thoughts and tell us more about how you feel, describe how you feel with more flair then just, "scared". For example, here's what I would do, now I'm not saying this is better or this is the way you should do things, I'm just trying to give an example of adding character to a thought and giving it more life: "Yet I say nothing, do nothing, like a scarecrow condemned to converse with crows silently And every day I fear that I will never hear her voice again that she will no longer let me quietly love her and imply with frightened eyes before she turns away, "I will never speak of what you mean to me" May not be great but its just for example purposes. "So why Why do I continue to avoid her beauty Why do I deny myself a chance at the one thing that could make me whole Well whatever the answer may be I hope I find it For unless I do soon My darkest fears could come true Before I can tell her" The last two stanzas also ring of cliches. You speak of her beauty again but you haven't shown us it. You speak of fears but you don't discuss what they might be but instead say "I don't know". Neither does the reader so you must use the words to draw us in. Try adding more of yourself to the poem and less of what you've heard before. Anyways I hope none of this came off as harsh, it's not meant to sound that way. Thanks for the read and welcome to Critical Analysis. Trevor |
||
|
kelli Junior Member
since 2000-07-31
Posts 10washington |
I personally liked your poem. I thought that it was written beautifully. |
||
|
Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi newbie, Let me add my "welcome to CA." Sometimes comments are not as positive as we might want. But that is the purpose of this forum, to get honest opinions and advice rather than gratuitous praise. That's how most of us learn to write better. I don't have anything to add right now, but welcome and I hope to see much more from you. Thanks, Pete |
||
|
warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Welcome to CA, Newbie, My impression of the poem was a bit more positive than some (I'm a hopeless romantic). For a first post, it was fairly good. However, I do agree with Trevor about adding depth. The poem is about someone you love, but are unable to tell her your feelings, and you are afraid you will lose her if you don't tell her. To make this original, from within you, explore WHY you think you are unable to express your feelings. Afraid of rejection, something in the past, feel unworthy? Just examples of emotions that could be examined, and added to the poem to provide depth. In describing your girlfriend, you could either say why the features you mention mean so much to you, and avoid sounding shallow. You could add, or replace those with, features of her personality, things she does that make you love her. Like I said, nice job for a first time...yet it could be so much better if you would add some depth. Look forward to more... Kris the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare |
||
|
newbieauthor12 Junior Member
since 2000-07-30
Posts 14 |
Actually i was trying to be shallow. I have no idea who she is i know nothing of her and the only thing i have to base her personality on are her looks. This is really about getting worked up about someone before you ever even know them |
||
|
Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Well, I suspect that writing a meaningful as well as shallow poem probably borders on impossible. I mean, you certainly can write a good poem about a shallow person or attitude but the poem itself still requires some depth. Otherwise, it cannot be very important. Now it may be true that nothing any of us has to say carries much real importance in the overall scheme of things. If we expect to impress our peers with our writings enough so that they are moved then there usually has to be some substance in those writings. So, I think the above comments are still applicable. You still need to add some depth or richness to make this work. Of course, this is JMHO, for what it's worth. Thanks, Pete |
||
|
jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Newbie: If you want the "shallowness" to come across better in this poem, I think it is important to more clearly indicate the irony or sarcasm of your overstated exaltations of this girl. "Hair as beautiful as a sunrise ... eyes as deep as an ocean ..." are certainly overstatements (technically speaking, "hyperbole"). If you succeed communicate your "shallowness" in this poem, I think the overstatements would work better for you. Just an opinion. Now the question that is REALLY important: What did she think of the poem? You DID show it to her, right?  Welcome to CA. Jim [This message has been edited by jbouder (edited 08-01-2000).] |
||
|
newbieauthor12 Junior Member
since 2000-07-30
Posts 14 |
Yeah she liked it. |
||
|
m3jay Junior Member
since 2000-06-14
Posts 12 |
ive got to agree with trevor. |
||
|
newbieauthor12 Junior Member
since 2000-07-30
Posts 14 |
was that one really needed |
||
|
Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
lol..it certainly didn't add much to the debate did it newbie !?.. but this is CA and everyone is allowed to express an opinion of the poem however briefly and superflously  .....for what it's worth I agree with most of what Trev said as well, and as Trevor is a damn fine poet and critic it's probably good advice he gives you ..... having said that I think you have started out well and i'm sure you wouldn't have posted in CA unless you'd wanted to hear what people REALLY thought about your work ....people in this forum want to help you improve so please don't be discouraged if you get what appear to be negative comments sometimes. Just keep writing and listening to the constructive negative comments...lol oh yes ..and most important of all ...read more poetry !! best wishes and good luck philip |
||
|
allan Senior Member
since 2000-04-09
Posts 620On the road |
Hi Newbie, You are pretty damn brave starting out in this forum! Why not join us crazy bunch of spirits over at The Corner Pub? You'll be most welcome! |
||
|
newbieauthor12 Junior Member
since 2000-07-30
Posts 14 |
I wasn't saying trevors comments were awfully negative, i was just trying to get across that unless a comment adds to a discussion it is not necesary. |
||
|
Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
I know you weren't .lol...and i was agreeing with you and welcoming you ... and probably in retrospect posting another superfluous comment ..which this one might be as well ..!!anyway ..what the heck .."welcome again"! p |
||
|
newbieauthor12 Junior Member
since 2000-07-30
Posts 14 |
Just making sure. Thanks man glad to be here |
||
|
Kirsty24 Junior Member
since 2000-03-24
Posts 40Australia |
Hi and Welcome to CA. I must say that you are brave starting out in CA (Though I did it as well). I did like your poem, though I do have to agree with Trevor, it lacked description, but I am sure that you are sick of hearing that. Kepp up the good work and again - Welcome |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
