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Black Bowl of Blithe
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Black Bowl of Blithe |
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wordancer Senior Member
since 2000-07-30
Posts 809VA 
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Ah, my friend, You drink deeply from the bowl of life. Swallow quickly with joyful abandon— All your years of careless strife. Give in not, To all the thoughts and cares. Open your eyes and see the night— Is your happiness really there? Look astutely, Into the ebony vessel of blithe. Buried deep is the taste of bitter rime— See that carefree joy is a myth. Know not where, Ends the dark wall that you gaily trespass. Heed the voice that whispers time— “What you drink first, is not the last.” Black is nothing, A pass through humanity’s shaded lees. Darkness underneath all the pleasure— Drink only the joy you can see. Partake slowly, From the finite bowl of life. Sink not into the void’s slow measure— Spinning infinity of mindless flight. The vessel cracks, Crashes on the unforgiving floor. Thousands of shards slowly drift— Dark night slams the close door. Friend, be far-sighted, Look at what you so carelessly sip. Do you desire the darkness— Of the black bowl of blithe? [This message has been edited by Lady Noggins (edited 07-31-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 Beverly A. Tift - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hi Lady Noggins, "Dark, darkness, void, spinning, crashing, black" all help give this poem a somber mood however a lot of it ended up feeling repetative. I think there is a lot more depth to what you are saying then you have presented. Also a lot of times it seemed you had to force the ryhmes in order to fit the format thereby letting the format dictate and not the theme nor thoughts or words. Well that's just my opinion, thanks for the read, Trevor |
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Marq Member
since 1999-10-18
Posts 222 |
Rhyming poetry is difficult, and I can read precious little without wincing. This is above average -- especially considering its length. |
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Tim Gouldthorp Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 170 |
Lady Noggins, I thought of Nietchze's ideas about love of life/fate and the sublimation of reality. Of course this poem probably has nothing to do with that, but I think its a good sign the poem can trigger off other connotations. I liked the image of the bowl of blithe, I like the way you deal with the subject matter. I would however agree with Trevor about the repetition, and I'm not overly enamoured with 'Give in not' when 'Don't Give In' would work. Anyway good work, particularly for a first post. -Tim |
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wordancer Senior Member
since 2000-07-30
Posts 809VA |
Trevor/Marq, Thanks for tackling this wee beastie of mine. This is the first time I have been able to get anyone to constructively challenge this one. Been at a standstill on it and needed a nudge to get back to work on it. Its been several months since I did this and now I think it time to try and hammered it into a more finished form. Trevor, can you tell me where you feel the awkwardness is for you? I know where I had problems with it but I want to see if it the same areas that I perceived and any other suggestions you might have would be greatly appreciated. As I hardly ever work in strict rhyme, I do struggle with it when I attempt to do it. I'm also now willing to give up the repetition and start working on the depth that I also feel is there Marq, I do agree with you about the difficultly of rhyming poetry and I do experience the same wincing feeling myself when I read bad ones and my really old ones from a couple of life times ago. LOL The rhyme, length, general mood was directly influenced by the reread of the Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam, this spring. Now I'm ready to slice and dice this and hopefully reconstruct it into something better. To this end I'm looking for all the input that I can get on this. Thanks for your time and consideration Lady Nogs |
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wordancer Senior Member
since 2000-07-30
Posts 809VA |
Hello Tim, I see you posted while I was working on my response to Trevor and Marq. Thanks for your input it will definitely be considered as when I start working on this again. Any other thoughts you might have about this would be most appreciated as I push up my sleeves (soon...LOL) to get to work on this. Thanks Lady Nogs |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Lady Noggins, And welcome to CA. I see you have already received some excellent advice so I won't try to add anything now. But I did enjoy the concept and will just echo most of the above comments. Thanks, Pete |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hi Lady, "Trevor, can you tell me where you feel the awkwardness is for you? I know where I had problems with it but I want to see if it the same areas that I perceived and any other suggestions you might have would be greatly appreciated." Okay-dokey here I go: "Ah, my friend, You drink deeply from the bowl of life" Consider losing the "ah, my friend". Sounds a little too much like the old gypsy woman sitting by the campfire saying, "Gather round, I have a story for you.".  Sorry if that sounded rude, not meant to be, just I couldn't think of any other way to put it."To all the thoughts and cares. Open your eyes and see the night— Is your happiness really there?" The meter seems off in this rhyme causing it to sound forced. "Look astutely, Into the ebony vessel of blithe. Buried deep is the taste of bitter rime— See that carefree joy is a myth." One thing I've always disliked in writing, and this is just a personal preference, is when the author tells the reader to do something, ie. "Look astutely". It almost comes off as preachy. "Know not where, Ends the dark wall that you gaily trespass. Heed the voice that whispers time— “What you drink first, is not the last.”" I didn't understand what was being said with this stanza. Also the line lengths are inconsistent throughout the poem thereby throwing off a lot of the rhymes. And the "dark" theme showing something forbidden or dangerous or bad,etc. is in my opinion, and overused technique. "Black is nothing, A pass through humanity’s shaded lees. Darkness underneath all the pleasure— Drink only the joy you can see." Again, darkness and black, they are extremely vague words. "Partake slowly, From the finite bowl of life. Sink not into the void’s slow measure— Spinning infinity of mindless flight" The rhyme seemed forced here. "The vessel cracks, Crashes on the unforgiving floor. Thousands of shards slowly drift— Dark night slams the close door." Seems like you just reversed the last two words in order to keep the rhyme. Either that or you left out the d at the end of close. Also the whole "dark" thingy as a description. "Friend, be far-sighted, Look at what you so carelessly sip. Do you desire the darkness— Of the black bowl of blithe?" ..and the old gypsy woman returns in the last stanza  J/K. I guess I wouldn't have as much trouble with the darkness or black thing if you were to give the reader more insight to what it is. You never really give the reader any meat to feed on but instead use black and darkness to carry off the descriptions of something dangerous.Personally, and quite a few will disagree with me, I think you should let the idea dictate the format and not vice versa. If rhyme makes it's way from out of an idea then so be it, if not then so be that too. I just hate to see rhymes being shoved into place instead of flowing. Well all this is just my opinion and well damn it, you did ask for it . Thanks,Trevor |
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wordancer Senior Member
since 2000-07-30
Posts 809VA |
My goodness trevor, of course I did know what I was asking for, and thanks for giving it to me.  You gave me a lot to consider and sift through, some of the areas you pointed out I was aware of, some are new. It is that I knew I hit a block with this one and I did need someone to shake things up a bit to help me refocus my mind. This will work out well! All will be taken in consideration . . . even the opinions that I don’t agreed with right now, because I know these thoughts will lead to others. Hopefully I will be able to work on this soon and I will post the results. Thanks very much for your time and consideration. Lady Nogs |
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