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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
i wonder if i thought hard enough you could hear me. i laid in bed all night thinking if i left my arm out for you, you might kiss my hand. today the memory of you hid behind my eyes and coated all i saw with a golden glow. it brought tears around the rims of my sight yet i knew, in truth no tears would come. these times, all times, when there's nothing no drinking, no laughing- just silence, you descend on my thoughts, and there they are: savannah, pouring all my change into a payphone; christmas eve, and the way your face looked in the lights, only blue lights.... i wonder if there is anything i could ever do because the way it was seems so distant, and if you want to know what happened to change me, i do too. |
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| © Copyright 2000 roxane - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Roxanne, Glad to hear your voice again. Hope everything is going well. Hope you can stay for awhile. I enjoyed this poem. The first too stanzas strike me as a little too common although it brought tears around the rims of my sight is interesting. I had a strong image here but have to admit that the next line dampened it a bit. You have tears but you don't? I suppose it depends on your definition of tear. The rest of the poem was very good. these times, all times, when there's nothing no drinking, no laughing- just silence, you descend on my thoughts, and there they are: savannah, pouring all my change into a payphone; christmas eve, and the way your face looked in the lights, only blue lights.... --Strong quick images in a confident voice. I don't know but it seems you are growing more confident in your voice. Is that true? i wonder if there is anything i could ever do because the way it was seems so distant, --I think the tone accurately reflects this distance. and if you want to know what happened to change me, i do too. --Great way to end this poem. I'd love to hear this read out loud. Not explaining or even trying to explain the change, to my mind, actually shows the complexity of the feeling. I like that. Thanks, Brad |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I'm exercising my authority to pop this one to the top again. I'd like other people to read it. Oh by the way, everybody has this authority. If you feel a poem has not been looked at by enough people, pop it to the top again. Preferable something not written by yourself of course.  Brad |
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kris_aka_warmhrt Junior Member
since 2000-07-25
Posts 15 |
Rox, Hi...Since this was already quite thoroughly critiqued, I will just say that I thought it was dripping with emotion...longing, a need for reassurance. You always do well with that, though. Being able to express your emtions well is a very, very good thing. Enjoyed, Rox, Kris |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
hi roxane! wow, there is some really strong emotion here. but i have to agree with brad, it comes out in the third stanza. i think the first two are a little weaker simply because its a kind of thought/feeling that everyone is always talking about, and therefore feels somehow common and boring (not that im saying it is when it happens to you, mind). maybe if you dealt entirely with specific experience, the first stanza would be more powerful. the sorrow's in the details, or so it seems. good luck luv Elyse |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
I guess I'm going to be a little different here (nothing really new about that). I enjoyed the whole poem but I particularly liked the first stanza. I think it is an excellent introduction. It doesn't have quite the imagery of the rest but it just seems so real. Well, I seem to be rambling here. But Thanks for the read. And thanks Brad, for popping it back up. Pete |
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Forrest Cain Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306Chas.,W.V. USA |
This was a nice read and it strikes me as sad, that our capacity for emotional pain diminishs, proportionate to the number of times we've been wounded. forrest |
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pegasus111 Member Elite
since 2000-07-27
Posts 2219ocala, fl, usa |
very strong emotionally. I know exactly what you mean when you talk about tears that are there but, won't come. looking forward to more. the woods are lovely, dark, and deep, but I have promises to keep, and many miles to go before I sleep...Frost |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Better late than never, right Roxanne? I am going to have to disagree with Brad about the first and second stanzas. Sure, I suppose it could be argued that the first stanza seemed a little common. On the other hand (in this case) I think it was a fitting tool to rope the reader in. You moved from the general to the particular ... you created a moment when just about anyone can identify with the depression of lying in bed alone when "alone" is the last thing they want to be. You step up the particular language in the second stanza but, while Line 4 of the second stanza may dampen the effect of Line 3 on the reader, for me it brought me back the common experience. As Brad pointed out, the rest of the poem is very well worded. I think you bridged the gap between the general and the particular with great timing here, Roxane. Excellent work. Jim |
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