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What Do You Fear? (revised)
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What Do You Fear? (revised) |
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mysticharm Member
since 2000-06-08
Posts 189Canada 
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I tried doing it on a count of 8(my accent LOL) What Do You Fear? Do you harbor thoughts of violence...? Dark shadows lurking within your mind... Scrambled images that scare you silent... Frightening nightmares of horrid crimes... Are you repulsed by your own reflection...? Does it reveal what you fear most...? Embedded seeds of untethered evil... Each undone act a haunting ghost... Do you embrace the raging fury...? Does your heart race with each detail...? Terrified of colliding with your incubus... Will you win or will the demon prevail...? debbie Think of saying "I Love You" as always being overdue. Love is a gift, not an obligation. unknown |
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| © Copyright 2000 Debbie McLellan - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
k debbie ..this isn't quite there yet .. i'm not givin' up lol .. but i MUST stress that your poems are perfectly good without strict metrical patterns .. all this is a purely acedemic exercise really ... for starters this is a recent thread in Q & A which is pretty interesting and relevant and features the all-knowing Nan, the unparalleled Doreen P and of course the Mistress of Free Verse her most regal self, Severn, ...  ... it's worth a read:/pip/Forum13/HTML/000421.html back soon p |
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mysticharm Member
since 2000-06-08
Posts 189Canada |
I'm using this poem as an exercise to learn how to do the meter. I'll check out the other poems but it would still help me greatly if you could tell me where I've made my mistakes. I'm not giving up either LOL thanks philip  debbie |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
I'm going to ...I'm going to ... gimme half a chance ... LOL... i'm trying to run a business empire here at the same time as conduct a conversation with you ... btw ... "Bonjour" ..although i guess its nearly lunchtime there .. back shortly .. unless Elyse gets her act together first ..lol p |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Debbie, It's obvious that you are serious about mastering this thing called meter. Well, like Philip, I have to produce some actual work for a while but I too will come back later and pitch in my 2 cents worth. Later, Pete |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
On second thoughts if your still there .. tell me .. do you hear the rhythm of your first line: DO-you/HAR-bour/THOUGHTS-of/VI-lence DUM-da/DUM-da/DUM-da/DUM-da do you hear that? p [This message has been edited by Poertree (edited 07-13-2000).] |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
When you can clearly hear the rhythm of that first line, move on to the second: "Dark shadows lurking within your mind" now if you try and replicate that DUM-da pattern you should find it very hard .. in fact can you tell me which syllables in that line it is most natural to stress??? p (btw it occurs to me that if you have a French accent and French language inflexions that might very well be interfering with your ability to "hear" these patterns in English... lol... maybe we are trying to achieve the impossible here ..lol) |
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mysticharm Member
since 2000-06-08
Posts 189Canada |
I got the eight count but not with the emphasis on the same parts of the words as you did... ...I used the "Trochee" DUM da but obviously missed something along the way LOL ...the first and second line I did like this DO/YOU/HAR bor/THOUGHTS/OF/VI O lence DARK/SHA dows/LURK ing/WITH in/YOUR/MIND don't give up on me yet debbie [This message has been edited by mysticharm (edited 07-13-2000).] |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
ok right now .. the problems (on meter) in the second line can easily be ironed out by simply rewriting it as: "Darkness lurks within your mind" DARK-ness/LURKS-with/IN-your/MIND still predominantly DUM-da rhythm ...do you see? p |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
damn this is impossible ..lol maybe i need ICQ ...lol write for me where you put the stress then please on both the first and second lines...use upper and lower case like i did... (maybe its the word "violence" which can be three syllables?) p |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
"...the second line I did like this DARK/SHA dows/LURK ing/WITH in/YOUR/MIND" YAY ... pretty good debbie .. more or less as i read it .. although not sure about "within your" .. but it doesn't matter, the point is can you see you've lost the da-DUM rhythm?? what about the first line ..how do you read that? p |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
so.......: taking the whole first stanza, this would produce a more regular meter: "Do you harbor thoughts of violence...? Darkness lurks within your mind... Scrambled images that scare you ... Fright'ning nightmares, horrid crimes.." PARFAIT mon cherie!! (or whatever).. p |
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mysticharm Member
since 2000-06-08
Posts 189Canada |
DO/YOU/HAR bor/THOUGHTS/OF/VI O lence when I look at this its DUM DUM DUM da I have no sense of beat in my head do I lol |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
"DO/YOU/HAR bor/THOUGHTS/OF/VI O lence" if you really do it like that i'm passing the baton to Elyse and Pete ... !!! lol and anyway i have to go home ..lol i think that you think you are stressing 4 syllables in a row but you can't be... c'mon brad we need that audio you mentioned months back !!!! p |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
"I'm using this poem as an exercise to learn how to do the meter. I'll check out the other poems but it would still help me greatly if you could tell me where I've made my mistakes. I'm not giving up either LOL" debbie they weren't poems so much as a discussion on meter, free and blank verse .. if you haven't read it please go look .. 'tis interesting .... i think i'll call a halt right now ..lol p |
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mysticharm Member
since 2000-06-08
Posts 189Canada |
thanks philip I have to be at work myself in an hour, I'll have another go at it when I'm done merci debbie |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
goodness gracious! it seems our little philip got a little post-happy there lemme see what i can add... ...the first and second line I did like this DO/YOU/HAR bor/THOUGHTS/OF/VI O lence DARK/SHA dows/LURK ing/WITH in/YOUR/MIND ok, you're verrry close on the second line. the way i make it out is DARK SHA dows LUR KING with IN your MIND. now, its probably wrong to have both parts of lurking be stressed, but the way i say it, both syllables are equal. (help?) also, i put my emphasis on the last part of "within" (which, you could easily change to just "in" if it helps) and i cant even explain why "your" is unstressed and "mind" is. on the first line, i make it like this DO you HAR bor THOUGHTS of VI o LENCE just as a general rule, "of" is rarely a stressed word. in poetry and otherwise. and the "o" in violence is unstressed, you can tell because some people (like those that speak with an english accent) skip that syllable entirely, saying "vi'lence". so there's that. for the first four syllabes, try saying just those four. at first, it may seem like both syllables in front of "harbor" are stressed. but try to notice how "you" drops off a little before "HAR" can you hear it? i know its hard. here's a bit o' practice. read this, and then ill put the breakdown of how the meter is, and try to see if you can hear it as i wrote. now, this is Emily Dickinson, and i find her very hard to read because i hate all those flippin hyphens...but that's my problem. philip already gave you a wonderful example of only iambs, lets see if you can handle this slightly more difficult structure. (you can do it! )"47" Heart! We will forget him! You and I -- tonight! You may forget the warmth he gave -- I will foret the light! When you have done, pray tell me That I may straight begin! Haste! lest while you're lagging I rememer him! ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ HEART! we WILL for GET him! YOU and I --to NIGHT! you MAY for GET the WARMTH he GAVE I will for GET the LIGHT! WHEN you HAVE done, pray TELL me that I may STRAIGHT be GIN HASTE! lest WHILE you're LAG ging I re MEM ber HIM! ok? i must admit, i am no longer quite sure about the rhythm after the comma on the first line of the second stanza, but that's my best guess. hope this helps ya, luv Elyse [This message has been edited by Elyse (edited 07-13-2000).] |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Good example Elyse. But it looks like you missed line 1 of the second stanza. I think it should be, when YOU have DONE, pray TELL me Debbie, This just has to be very hard for a French speaker. As has already been said, English appears to follow essentially NO rules, or logic either for that matter. As a derivative of Anglo-Saxon, it tends to stress the first syllable in most cases. But we have adopted so many words from French, Spanish and Italian that it is very difficult to know which is which. Also, many native words begin with "small syllables", which are more-or-less prefixes rather than part of the base word. Some examples are be, de, re, con, pro, in, ex, and many more. These are rarely, if ever, stressed. PIP has an excellent writer, named Munda, who doesn't come into CA often but can be found in other forums. Her native language is Dutch but she writes exceptionally well in English. Now I think Dutch is closer to English than French is, as regards syllable stress. You might do well to contact her via email adn ask how she taught herself to write in a foreign language. Well, what ever you do, don't give up. I'm sure we will all continue to help to the best of our abilities Pete |
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Lighthousebob Member Elite
since 2000-06-14
Posts 4725California |
Just to let you know that I read your response to my poem, I will attempt to reply using your poem post.... Let me also say as one novice to an other that I appreciate your asking questions, because it helps me to learn as well. Though I don't understand meter, I will try the 8 syllable thing excluding the word vi-o-lence which makes no sense... What Do I Fear? (using your poem) Do I har-bor thoughts of vi-o-lence...? Dark sha-dows lurk-ing in my mind...? Im-ag-es that scare me sil-ent...? Fright-ful night-mares of hor-rid crimes...? Am I re-pulsed by re-flec-tion...? Of rev-e-la-tions I fear most...? Em-bed-ded seeds of gross e-vil...? Un-done acts of a haunt-ing ghost...? Do I em-brace rag-ing fur-ry...? Does my heart race with each de-tail...? Have I slept with my in-cu-bus...? Will my de-mon drag me to hell...? "In my soul there shines no rain-bow, If eyes have no tears of re-gret..." I guess the things that I fear most Are the things which I can't for-get. Thanks for the quote.... Bob <>< |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
yeah, i see your point pete. you're right. also, debbie, please be aware that the word "i" is meant to be stressed at all times in this poem, it might be hard to tell considering the word is normally capitolized. good luck with this. luv Elyse |
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mysticharm Member
since 2000-06-08
Posts 189Canada |
~smiles softly~ thanks guys, everyone is being so helpful ...Pete I will see about getting in touch with the woman who is Dutch, Munda, although I do hesitate writing anyone at their personal email but appreciate the info I won't give up, I'm too hard headed....Elyse you have been so helpful and I always value your opinion, I will take all the helpful info everyone has given me and see if any remains forged in my head ...Bob, "The soul would have no rainbow, if the eyes had no tears of regrets" is to beautiful to change into something as negative as "In my soul there shines no rain-bow, If eyes have no tears of re-gret... I guess the things that I fear most Are the things which I can't for-get." "Change is what happens when the pain of holding on becomes greater then the fear of letting go." I don't want my poem being misinterpretated as something only in one person, we all face this demon, it's how we do it that counts. I admit the count seems to fall into place but again that would depend on where I'm putting my emphasis lol thanks bobI WILL get this right eventually, I just hope, until I do, I don't wear everyone's patience short  merci debbie debbie Think of saying "I Love You" as always being overdue. Love is a gift, not an obligation. unknown |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Debbie, I wouldn't worry about contacting Munda. If you look in the Poetry Workshop, she has posted a response to a poem by Sudhir Iyer. Find her response and click on the little "envelope icon" right above it to get her email address and send a message. That's what those little things are there for. If she didn't want to receive email her address would not be available Besides, she really is a sweetheart and I'm sure would want to help.Pete |
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